


Yet Another Harry Potter Movie Parody: Film 7

by iheartmwpp



Series: Yet Another Harry Potter Movie Parody [7]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Humor, I Swear A Lot, Parody, References To Things No One Knows, Screenplay/Script Format, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-17
Updated: 2013-10-17
Packaged: 2017-12-29 17:23:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 62,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1008061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iheartmwpp/pseuds/iheartmwpp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because all the cool kids are doing it. Contains happiness at being the most faithful adaptation thus far, the main three really coming into their own as actors, and why are only the good guys dying when they're supposed to, that's not fair.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Teh WELL THIS IS SAD

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, The Animation Show, Pirates of the Caribbean, Code MENT, or Smodcast.

~We're introduced to the usual WB logo close-up thingy, and it's rusting and collapsing upon itself. Given how much these movies make for that company, this is not an accurate metaphor. Also really loud annoying ringing that is really loud and annoying.~

Audience: THERE IS A GIANT EYEBALL! AND IT IS LOOKING AT US!

iheartmwpp: Am I the only one who thought that this was a really weird way to start a movie?

Scrimgeour: So yeah, these times are fucked up, and we basically have no idea what we're doing.

Audience: …Why can't any of our governments just come out and say that?

Scrimgeour: Okay, can you back the camera up a bit, it's a little too close—Ah, that's better.

Pirates of the Caribbean fans: He looks weird without his tentacles.

Scrimgeour: But hey, at least we're attempting to do something instead of just pretending the problem doesn't exist. We may be arresting all the wrong people, though the Death Eaters did take the time to bust Shunpike out of Azkaban as well so for all we know we could've been arresting all the right people and doing our jobs correctly, we don't know, but at least we're making some attempt, give us credit for that if nothing else.

iheartmwpp: His mouth is weird.

Scrimgeour: All and all, this is a pretty rousing speech that could actually make people believe in our government and insists that it remains strong and will fight back no matter what. This is assuming that we don't die and get taken over, of course, but what are the odds of that happening?

Camera: *gets a shot of him from the back with everyone in the press taking pictures and crap…Apparently the press and the Minister were the only people in the entire Ministry that day, the atrium's bloomingdeserted*

~When we saw the trailers, we thought that was Sirius. And we were confused.~

Filmmakers: See? See? We're totally showing Voldemort's effect on the Muggle World! All we need is one nameless white Muggle family shown to be already dead in the Prophet, the audience can just assume from there!

Hermione: DAMN IT! MUST! LEARN! TO! READ!

Hermione's nameless mother: Hermione! Tea's ready! Come down and talk to us for once, we get that at your age you want to spend more time with your friends than your parents, but we only met Harry and Ron the one time and I doubt they even know what our names are! You're always over Ron's house, and while we get from what you've told us that Harry's place may not be ideal, you could invite them over here on occasion, you know! And damn it, you're spending time with us this summer, you got that young lady?

Hermione: *sigh* Yes, Mum, I'll be down in a second!

~Her room was rather nice, actually. Kind of expected more bookshelves, but whatever.~

Uncle Vernon: Yeah, that's right, we're back in the films again! Rejoice, however, for this shall be the last time! HUZZAH! Now get a move on, Dudley, so we can finally get the fuck out.

Dudley: Why?

Uncle Vernon: Because it's not safe for us to be here anymore.

Dudley: Why?

Uncle Vernon: Because a bunch of Potter's fellow freaks want to kill us.

Dudley: Why?

Uncle Vernon: Probably just because we have the misfortune of being related to him.

Dudley: Why?

Uncle Vernon: …Your mother had a sister she never talked about, and she fornicated with some useless bastard and it produced that freak of a cousin of yours.

Dudley: Why?

Uncle Vernon: Because that's what can sometimes happen when a man and a woman have sex.

Dudley: Why?

Uncle Vernon: …I really have no idea, it's kind of one of the mysteries of the universe that science still has yet to explain.

Dudley: Why?

Uncle Vernon: I expect they're too busy trying to make a new version of an iPhone or Kindle or whatever the fuck instead of working on the far less important stuff like cancer research.

Dudley: Why?

Uncle Vernon: Because no one knows how to prioritize in countries like ours anymore.

Dudley: Why?

Uncle Vernon: This is the age of instant gratification and we all feel that we deserve the latest technologies and desire more free time in which to enjoy said newest technologies instead of focusing on what's actually important like friends, family, the betterment of mankind, or finding cures for diseases that are still ravaging us and no one gives a proper damn about them unless they or someone they love actually has it.

Dudley: Why?

Uncle Vernon: Okay, just shut the fuck up already.

Dudley: Why?

Uncle Vernon: Because I said so.

Dudley: Why?

Uncle Vernon: SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!

Harry: *looks out window* You never said no to him before, he's not going to listen to you now.

Aunt Petunia: Wow, we got rid of all the furniture too? That was quick. Probably just needed the space for the Seven Potters scene.

Harry: *comes down the stairs* Aren't you gone yet?

Aunt Petunia: I have lived in this house for twenty years.

Harry: That's nice. I don't care.

Aunt Petunia: And now, in a single night, my entire world has been uprooted.

Harry: Yeah, I have to deal with that on practically a monthly basis, get used to it.

Aunt Petunia: I don't wanna go.

Harry: Well, if you want to stay here and get tortured and die a slow and painful death, then go ahead. I've tried to get you to leave, but if you choose to stay I can't force you. Well, I probably could, but I kind of have other things to worry about. Like people who I actually care about, and who give a damn about me in return.

Aunt Petunia: I know what they'll do if we stay, it doesn't mean I can't bitch about how unfair it is.

Harry: Fair enough.

Aunt Petunia: And now the thing that I might've said in the book if I had had the balls: You didn't just lose a mother that might in Godric's Hollow, you know. I lost a sister.

Audience: …Which is why you decided you'd keep her only son locked in a cupboard for ten years, you fucking bitch. You have not gained our sympathy in the slightest.

Uncle Vernon: I'm starting the car!

Aunt Petunia: Get the fuck out the way. *bashes Harry into a wall as she goes outside*

Harry: Good riddance to bad rubbish. Though it does make sense that I would actually hear that my parents lived in Godric's Hollow, since in the books I kind of just pull the name out of my ass.

~Well that was a weird tangent with Vernon and Dudley earlier. Let's see how Ron's doing.~

Movie watchers: Wait, wasn't the Burrow burned down last film?

Book readers: YA RLY, that's just complete proof that that scene was completely fucking pointless.

Ron: I'm standing outside and staring at the field of long grass or whatever this is, presumably wondering if I'll ever see my home again despite that we already basically moved once already. Really, this would make so much more sense if Film Six took place in the old forested area and now is the first time you see us in this new location.

Molly: Ron! Tell your father that it's time for another of many deleted scenes!

Ron: Okay, let me just stare at the grass for a bit longer…And done. *goes to see his father; yeah, I'm just cramming these scenes in here whenever, I don't really know where they properly go, they were taken out so it wouldn't disrupt the flow of the film's rather gorgeous and well done opening anyway*

Arthur: I'm fixing a radio with a screwdriver. This really adds to the whimsy and wonder of our world.

Ron: What are you doing?

Arthur: They're for the Order. With so many on the run, it keeps them connected with the rest of us. Not that we're really able to get any of them to the people already on the run, but we can do what we can for those who are left.

Man who is decidedly not Lee/River: It's so cute how they're implying that Potterwatch will exist in this version when it won't at all.

Ron: *takes screwdriver and sets it aside* Come on, Dad, Mum's got dinner ready.

Arthur: YAY FOOD. *instantly runs out*

Ron: And people wonder where I get it from…Hey, that one looks like the one I'll have later in the movie. It would probably make sense if I took it during this scene, but I don't think I will. This scene'll be cut anyway, what's the point?

Man who is decidedly not Lee/River: Mr. Westenberg and his wife had, on numerous occasions, provided shelter for a crapload of static that makes most of what I say become completely incomprehensible. As such, I'm borderline useless.

Book readers: Yeah, if it's not Potterwatch, we really don't care anyway.

~And now for the only part of the movie that emotionally affected my parents who also love Harry Potter but who aren't as emotionally attached to all the characters like most of us are.~

Hermione's nameless father: I suppose we're talking about vacationing in Australia this summer?

Hermione's nameless mother: Or something. It's probably where Hermione got the idea.

Hermione: You know, I really should've explained the situation to them, and then obliviated them after when they refused to allow their daughter to be in such a dangerous situation and insisted that I flee the country with them. Then I could at least have the benefit of having a slightly less guilty conscience for doing what I'm about to do, taking comfort in the fact that they wouldn't cooperate and that I had no other choice. Instead, I'll use the power and privilege at my disposal to decide what is right for them. What a good role model this makes me. Oh right, forgeticus.

Tom Knight & Heather Bleasdale, Hermione's parents in Film Two: *are replaced with Ian Kelly and Michelle Fairley. YAY RECASTING EVERYONE!*

Book readers: Wait, why would the pictures disappear, wouldn't the memories just be in their heads, or did Hermione take care of that too? And wouldn't they be suspicious as to why they have random pictures of blank walls?

Filmmakers: SHUT UP AND WATCH THE INTENSE SADNESS.

Book readers: Yeah, we'd probably be intensely sad if we knew who these people were. As it is, it's only mildly sad. Also it kind of seems like she just erased their memories and left, the Death Eaters could still totally kill them and stuff.

~Apparently the Grangers liked taking pictures of the sides of their bed. Seriously, how are they supposed to rationalize that? And what if the neighbors ask where Hermione is right before they leave, if they leave, did Hermione modify their memories as well?~

Aunt Petunia: I AM DISCONTENT.

Audience: Wow, that much of the neighborhood was just greenscreen? Weird…

Uncle Vernon: So we're really never gonna see you again, are we, boy?

Harry: Yeppers!

Uncle Vernon: YAYZ! *does a happy dance*

Harry: I know, right?

Dudley: I don't get it.

Harry: What else is new.

Dudley: Isn't he coming with us?

Uncle Vernon: Who?

Dudley: Harry.

Uncle Vernon: …Who?

Dudley: *eyeroll* Boy.

Uncle Vernon. Oh. Hell no.

Dudley: Why not?

Uncle Vernon: 'Cause he hates us as much as we hate him, don't you, boy?

Harry: Damn straight. I'd like to spend the rest of my life with people who don't think I'm a waste of space, if that's all right with you.

Uncle Vernon: Works for me. Come on, Dudley, we're outta here.

Dudley: …No.

Uncle Vernon: What do you mean—WHAT ARE YOU DOING.

Dudley: Stepping over the chain thing and walking on the grass.

Uncle Vernon: YOU BASTARD! I DIDN'T RAISE YOU TO BEHAVE LIKE THAT! I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS!

Dudley: Whatever. *offers his hand to Harry*

Harry: … *cautiously accepts it*

Dudley: I don't think you're a waste of space.

Book readers: Hee hee, he said it!

Movie watchers: …You guys are weird.

Harry: …Thanks. That means a lot to me.

Dudley: Cool.

Harry: …

Dudley: …

Harry: …Can you let go of my hand now? It's getting severely awkward, not to mention homoerotic, and we really don't need those types of fics, if you don't mind.

Dudley: O-Oh. Right. Yeah. I'll just…I'll just go now…

Harry: Yeah…

Dudley: *looks back and sort of…wiggles his finger a bit? Um…huh?*

Harry: See you, Big D.

Dudley: Oh, in case you were wondering—

Harry: I know, you really don't have to tell me again. Also you're gonna trip.

Dudley: Crap, too late. *falls on his face*

Harry: LOL.

Uncle Vernon: …What the fuck just happened?

Book readers: As much as we would've kinda liked this scene kept in…This is just too awkward.

Uncle Vernon: …So yeah, leaving now. *gets in car*

Harry: I'm just going to watch you drive away, probably worrying about what's gonna happen to me and my friends in this war we're about to fight in rather than people in a sort of Wizarding Witness Protection Program who I never really liked anyway.

~We get one shot of Ron, two of Harry, and three of Hermione. Shocker.~

Hermione: And now I walk out in the open for the trailer shot. Um, should I, a Muggle-born with a well-known connection to Harry Freakin' Potter, be wandering around like this when Death Eaters could easily target me at any moment? Shouldn't I immediately Apparate somewhere safe as soon as I left the house? Or were we that desperate to have some kind of weird architecture that everyone thought was Malfoy Manor at first in the trailer for part one?

~Oh hai title card. Once again, a distinct lack of Hedwig's theme—What's that? Film Five was the last time it would be accompanied by that music? Well poopie.~

Review or your parents or guardians will only have pictures of blank walls for no reason.


	2. Teh WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE PEACOCKS

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, Kickassia, Escaflowne Abridged, or Alan Rickman.

~Now to a certain character that most people find infinitely more interesting than the trio.~

Title card: *FINALLY shows up* 'Ello, 'ello! I'm feeling rather badass with this soundtrack backing me up!

Gray clouds: *dissolve to reveal Malfoy Manor, which appears to have a massive forest in the background. Which, admittedly, looks like an awesome place to hang out*

Black smoke surrounding some random guy "Apparating" along: *apparently did not in fact crash into the very sharp-looking title card on their way over* WHEEEEEEEEEEEE THIS IS TAKING A WHILE WHEEEEEEEEEEE. *sticks the landing*

Book readers: What the fuck is this shit?! You go through all the trouble of making two movies and yet you don't include absolutely every single detail?! WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE PEACOCKS. THEY ARE SO ESSENTIAL TO THE PLOT.

Snape: *appears out of the black smoke that should actually be white since he is a good guy and the smoke is supposed to clearly define who's on what side since there can be no shades of gray in anything ever* Damn it! A closed gate, my one weakness! *waves wand, giving himself the ability to phase through solid matter* That's better…Camera, get the hell out of my way.

Camera: But…But you're Alan Rickman!

Snape: *rolls his eyes and goes into the main entrance hall thing…which seems kind of barren and lifeless, with just one fireplace and a stairway leading to the Evil League of Evil, though I suppose that's the point* Do wereally have to linger on me climbing stairs and shit?

Camera: Sorry, I'm just a tad confused. Your hair is supposed to be all greasy and nasty, not long, flowing, and beautiful.

Snape: Would you kindly piss off now, as I have, in fact, arrived at my destination.

Camera: Call me! *cuts over to the Evil Long Table of Evil*

Book readers: THE FIREPLACE IS SUPPOSED TO BE BEHIND VOLDEMORT, NOT OFF TO THE SIDE OF THE TABLE LIKE THAT! ALREADY YOU FAIL AT EVERYTHING.

Yaxley: And then I tore out his throat.

Dolohov: No kidding.

Bellatrix: We're gonna annihilate them, aren't we? We're gonna annihilate them!

Rowle: Yes, Bellatrix, but save your energy. You're gonna need it for all the pointless torturing we're gonna be doing.

Bellatrix: *squeals in delight*

Charity Burbage: I'm in a considerable amount of pain. JSYK.

iheartmwpp: Tee hee, Peter's head's in the corner. No idea why I find that amusing.

Snape: …Well this is gonna suck.

Voldemort: Severus! You know, Yaxley actually got here before you, meaning you're a touch on the late side. But hey, whatever, considering that you killed my second-worst enemy for me, it's cool. Sit down, sorry it's not directly by my side, but you were late. First come, first serve.

Snape: M'kay. *sits down*

Voldemort: So what did you find out?

Snape: This appears to be a slightly backward leap in time, possibly coinciding with Weasley and Granger's events at the beginning of the film. However, it cannot possibly have happened before Potter's little sideshow, or else he will not change his clothes for some reason until Saturday next. My guess is that they just completely fucked up the timeline for the beginning of the movie, by all rights this scene should've been first anyway.

Dolohov: I glare at you!

Snape: Oh you're just jealous that my hair is longer, curlier, and all around gorgeous.

Dolohov: Damn straight! Oh, and that you're basically the Dark Lord's favorite. I'm jealous of that too.

Snape: Oh right, now that I've caught you, I must say congrats on killing that blasted werewolf next movie.

Dolohov: Fuckin' A, bro. *high fives Snape*

Yaxley: Not to get back on track or anything, but can we get back on track? The information you just presented isn't what I've heard.

Starkids: Sorry, not buying it. Yaxley will always be a young, hunched-over black man with an eye-patch to us.

Yaxley: So anyway, I don't know if Dawlish is on our side or just staggeringly incompetent, but in any case he let slip that the Potter boy won't be moved until the end of the month, the day before his birthday. They have this huge surprise party they're planning at the Ministry and everything—

Snape: Untrue, sir. The Order doesn't want the Auror Office to have anything to do with Harry Potter anymore, apart from the couple Aurors and ex-Aurors who're usually with him these days anyway.

Yaxley: This is my "Grr" face.

Snape: The people who are in charge of the protection of Harry Potter think we've infiltrated the Ministry.

Avery: Oh God, they're smarter than they seem. We really shouldn't be underestimating them lest their quick-thinking actually gets the better of us.

Everyone else: *bursts into hysterical laughter*

Thicknesse: I seem like I'm practically zoned out in this shot.

Wormtail: My hand's still silver.

Dolohov: Oi! I get to kill that half-breed scum!

Wormtail: I know, I know, I'll be dead by then anyway except I won't which is so fucking stupid, if they could spare me and Grindelwald why not spare a couple of good guys?

Voldemort: What do you think, Pius? Do you think that we've taken over the Ministry?

Thicknesse: Oh, I was staring at Nagini this whole time, okay, I thought I was falling asleep there for a minute. Anyway, er, it's really hard to sort out the truth from the lies, and it's really all subjective to what you believe anyway. Of course, only what we believe to be true is in fact correct, but there are those who won't see it that way. Too many differences of opinion make it hard to run this joint.

Voldemort: Ain't that the truth. It's about time we got a politician who knows what he's talking about. You'll make an excellent figurehead, Pius.

Thicknesse: Welp, so much for being placed under the Imperius Curse. At least in the book I could've had an excuse. Here I'm just as fucked as the rest of you who survive will be.

Rookwood: You don't survive.

Thicknesse: Might've in the book, not sure if Weatherby killed me or not.

Rookwood: Ah.

Voldemort: So. Severus. Do you know where Harry Potter will be taken?

Snape: To a random safe house. I'm afraid we'll never be able to figure out where he'll be placed.

Movie watchers: The Burrow, right?

Book readers: Yeah, these guys are kind of dumb like that.

Snape: And once he gets there he'll be impossible to get him anyway, so we better aim for getting him before he reaches there.

Bellatrix: *raises hand* Ooooh, ooooh, pick me, pick me! I want to kill him, please, my Lord, I wanna kill him! Pweeeease?

Ollivander: Owie.

Voldemort: Damn it, Wormtail, I told you to shut him the hell up during meetings!

Wormtail: Oh bugger. Sorry, my Lord, I'll get right on that.

Burbage: This still hurts.

Voldemort: Merlin's bright magenta feathered boa. He can master the Animagus transformation at fifteen-ish, he can manage avada kedavra, and he can even perform a ceremony to bring me fully back to life, but he can't pull off a simple Silencing Charm. Sometimes I worry about that man. Anyway, no, Bellatrix, I wanna kill Harry Potter.

Bellatrix: *whimpers like a kicked puppy*

Voldemort: Tell you what, you just focus on your niece, all right?

Bellatrix: OKAY! I CAN TOTALLY DO THAT!

Voldemort: Moving on, for those of you who were there at the end of the fourth movie with me, you'll know that mine and Potter's wands can't really work against each other. They have the same core, you see—well, different feathers, but you know what I mean, same bird. And now I seem to be under the assumption that twins are unable to kill each other, but anyone who knows basic Roman mythology knows that my metaphor kinda falls flat. And I'm sure there are other examples that I just can't think of right now. *sets wand down on table*

iheartmwpp: …In the book, he criticized James for putting his wand down. He pretty much just left himself completely defenseless, he's really lucky that they're all too loyal/terrified to go against him, even though they should know this.

Voldemort: Long story short, can I borrow one of your wands so I can kill him and reign supreme over the known universe? Please? Come on, you know you'd be honored to symbolically castrate yourself for me!

Bellatrix: I'm actually quite surprised I didn't offer my own wand, considering that I keep saying that I'd do anything for him. I still have my trusty silver knife, I can still torture people.

Lucius: The fact that I have five o'clock shadow means that I've fallen from grace, and in doing so apparently lost the ability to shave so I could keep up appearances as much as possible, but that'd be silly.

Voldemort: Oh yeah! Hey Lucius, can I borrow yours?

Lucius: …My Lord? *in a pathetic whisper*

Voldemort: *mimics him* Wand. Now. *holds out his hand*

Lucius: …If I weren't so worried about what he'd do to my family, I really should just stab this in his eye. Oh, and if I was a Gryffindor. But I'm not, and Wormtail shows that that doesn't always help anyway. *unsheathes his wand and holds it out, trembling, to Voldemort*

Voldemort: How do wizards somehow psychically know what kind of wood a wand is made of? Though I could've just used Legilimency to figure out it was elm, I suppose.

Lucius: Please don't break off the snake head, please don't break off the snake head, please don't break off the snake head, please don't break off the snake head—

Voldemort: *breaks off the snake head*

Lucius: Aaawww, you did that thing I told you not to do! *starts sobbing*

Voldemort: Shut up and tell me the core.

Lucius: D-D-Dragon heartstring.

Voldemort: *mimics him again, throwing down the snake head in disgust*

Snape: HA HA!

Voldemort: What about the length? Is it bendy, is it pliant, what kind of adjectives did Ollivander add when he gave it to you?

Lucius: Iunno.

Voldemort: Damn it, Pottermore isn't releasing this shit fast enough.

Lucius: Tell me about it, you'd think I would've gotten my own private blurb by now, but you'd be wrong. Hell, it looks like they're saving Lockhart for the last section of chapters of Book Two to be released, or has iheart just been going through it wrong?

Voldemort: Bugger if I know. *clicks his tongue and waves it so Professor Burbage floats forward*

Burbage: Did I mention how uncomfortable this position is?

Voldemort: I'm going to assume that none of you took her class, and by all rights you shouldn't have anyway, so I'll introduce you. This is Miss Charity Burbage.

Nagini: Hara hetta…Kono juutan wa honto ni raku de ii…

Voldemort: She taught Muggle Studies at Hogwarts. I have no idea if she's actually a Mudblood or not, so I don't really know if everything she's saying is accurate, but there you go.

Death Eaters: LAWL.

Voldemort: It is Miss Burbage's belief that Muggles are not so different from us, just because they're also classified as Homo sapien, have the exact same biological structure, eat similar foods, have a concept of cognitive thinking, and prefer to do their business in toilets if indoor plumbing is available in their area. *shakes head slowly* Just because when we mate with them we have the ability to produce offspring who also share our biological structure doesn't mean we should. I mean…ew.

Bellatrix and a few others: *guffaw and have a lovely chortle fest*

Snape: *noticeably, doesn't*

Voldemort: To her, mixing together the blood of a person who can make feathers float with one who can't is not an abomination.

Book readers: Way to basically admit that you yourself are an abomination.

Voldemort: In conclusion, she's wrong, that's icky, and we're gonna kill everyone who thinks like her.

Burbage: Severus! Come on, I'm someone that no one has ever seen before, not even the readers! You're not going to let the first death this book be me, are you? I mean, someone who no one has ever connected with shouldn't get such a dramatic death scene, should they? It should be someone the readers know so that they'll be filled with righteous anger right at the start of the book or film, shouldn't it?

Snape: …

Burbage: We're friends! You can't let me die like this before I even get any status as a minor character! No one knows who I am!

Snape: …

Voldemort: I grow weary of this tiresome babble. Avada kedavra.

Burbage: I NEVER SAW AUSTRALIA! *dies*

Draco: You know that place right in the middle of you that usually feels good because you're awesome and your life rules? Well, instead of that, there's this sort of a great big nothing.

Snape: …Poopie.

Draco: …Yes. We get it. I'm disturbed by this. The camera really didn't have to come back to me.

Burbage's corpse: Wah-face.

Voldemort: Nagini, dinner.

Audience: …What's with the distinct lack of Parseltongue? Or can we all randomly understand it now?

iheartmwpp: See, here it's as terrifying as JKR probably meant it to be. In the book, the chapter is basically the Death Eaters gossiping about recent marriages in the Order. A great deal of fangirls, myself included, didn't register too much of the beginning as they were too busy squeeing with joy. I got Book Seven at a midnight release party thing, and my dad only let me read one chapter before I went to bed, something about not wanting me to be screaming and crying all night or something and keeping my folks awake. I fell asleep with a huge smile on my face, already plotting out a fanfic scenario where Draco would, indeed, babysit the cubs. Aaaand of course the other half of the fangirls would have been screaming in rage. *eyeroll* Plus, Charity didn't get mentioned or even named until this chapter, you can't really expect us to instantly care about someone who was almost forgotten about for the entire chapter, especially considering what happens to EVERYONE ELSE.

Nagini: *takes a long-ass time to slither down the table, finally nomming the camera in a part that probably would've looked really cool in 3D if you're into that sort of thing, which I confess I'm not unless it's How To Train Your Dragon or something. Also it's the shot that was used in every promo ever and is the first thing you see on the Blu-Ray menu, so it got really old really fast anyway*

~Okay, we got that out of the way, can we get back to the main characters—actually, screw that, we know what happens, let's follow Snape around, I wanna see what happened at Hogwarts.~

Review or Wormtail'll have to come down and fail to perform a Silencing Charm on your ass.


	3. Teh JESUS CHRIST THIS IS LONG

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, The Dark Knight, Code MENT, Monty Python's Flying Circus, Doctor Who, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, The Wickerman remake, Serenity, The Room, Anchorman, Dragonball Z Abridged: Bardock Special, The Lord of the Rings, or bowtruckles.

~Tee hee, the slo-mo fall still makes me giggle.~

Harry: Well that was pointless. Anyway, back to looking into what remains of Sirius's mirror—Oh hai Dumbledore's eyeball, whatcha doin' in there?

Movie watchers: …What the fuck is that?

Book readers: You've got to be fucking kidding me. THEY NEVER EXPLAIN THE MIRROR SHARD. Unless there'll be an explanation in the second half…

Filmmakers: *hysterical laughter*

Book readers: *eyetwitch*

Movie watchers: *eternal confusion*

Harry: …Well that was weird.

Hedwig: Last chance to pay attention to me, asshole!

Harry: Nah, I'm gonna just shove it into my rucksack. Also I'm gonna grab this notebook…What the hell's up with the second page? Was I really that concentrated on figuring out what RAB meant? 'Cause it seems more like the props department just got desperate and had to do something to fill up the page. Looks like a wasted effort if you ask me. Also I can't draw for shite, apparently.

iheartmwpp: It is a pretty cool notebook, though. I wants it.

Harry: Let me just grab this fake locket, giving the audience time to get a good look at the Daily Prophet.

Elphias Doge: I'm old and grumpy enough to have played Aberforth. Or Albus, evidently, judging by how pissed off Gambon always made him.

Harry: Presumably I just shoved all these things into my rucksack as well. I'm sure all these things will have a huge impact on the movie later on, I'm especially looking forward to when I use the notebook again. *ties up rucksack, grabs Hedwig, and goes downstairs* Now to just wait until everyone else shows up. At least I'm not talking to Hedwig about how rubbish the Dursleys were to me and how nostalgic the fucking doormat makes me feel for the sake of background information everyone should know by now, that would just be retarded. And out of character, really, I highly doubt Sirius would've waxed poetic about Grimmauld Place before he left for what he thought was for good and I constantly compared his hatred for that place with my hatred for this place so I honestly don't know what I was doing in the book version. *opens cupboard* D'aaaaaw, I'm so short I can still fit in this thing! Hey look, some props from the first film are still here, I can't believe they kept them! I can't believe Petunia kept them, for that matter. *fiddles with Dudley's old sparkly unicorn doll* You can't tell, but I'm flashing back to a dream I once had involving a flying motorbike.

Flying motorbike: *is heard outside*

Harry: …That was creepy. *closes cupboard, opens front door, and gets glomped by Hagrid*

Hagrid: Hello, Harry!

Harry: All right!

Hagrid: …I never asked how yeh were.

Harry: …Shut up.

Ron: My turn! *glomps Harry*

Harry: Whut up, brah?

Hermione: My hair's in a ponytail. *pecks Harry on the cheek*

Harry: This isn't the book where that's new, you've always done that in these films.

Hagrid: You're looking fit!

Harry: Stop being creepy!

Mad-Eye: *there is no way I can top this line* Yeah, he's absolutely gorgeous. What's say we get under cover before someone murders him?

Harry: …Nice to see you too…

Arthur: Aaand we got Kingsley, the twins, and…some random, short, bald guy trailing along for some reason…

Mad-Eye: *drops a bag in the middle of the room as he and Arthur take a look around*

Harry: Kingsley? What are you doing here? I thought you were looking after the Prime Minister.

Kingsley: I know, wouldn't it suck if he died while I was protecting you tonight? Come on guys, hurry it up, I got to get back to my post before anyone realizes I'm not actually there!

Bill: Hello, Harry! Bill Weasley, Ron's eldest brother, you may have heard of me.

Harry: …Not really, I heard more about Charlie in the films, sorry.

Bill: It's fine, you probably know me better as the one who got together with Fleur offscreen.

Fleur: Yep, I'm here too.

Fred: And now Bill's hideous.

George: Wish you could've met him when he was the handsome, cool eldest brother.

Bill: Yeah, you're probably wondering where I got these from.

Harry: Eh, I never asked Remus where he got his, and I'm sick of people staring at mine, so I try to extend the same courtesy to others.

Bill: Well that's awfully nice of you, but I'll tell you anyway. It was a werewolf called Greyback who did it, not that you'll ever know who that is since the movie watchers only got a split second of a picture of his wanted poster in Film Six, they never directly specified who he is. I'd like to repay the favor one day, but the last we hear of him is that he eats Lavender's face off, Trelawney smashes a crystal ball over his head, and then Ron and Neville hex him or something, we never really know if he dies or goes to Azkaban or what. And he's kind of majorly important when you think about it, if he hadn't bitten Remus then the other three wouldn't've become Animagi so Pettigrew never would've got away and Sirius wouldn't have been able to keep his sanity in Azkaban much less escape it and this is such a long tangent I don't even know.

Fleur: Makes sense to me—Hey wait, where did my French accent go? Anyway, scars are hot, I don't care.

Bill: Oh and we're getting married next scene.

Harry: Brilliant!

Remus: Yo!

Harry: Oh, hey!

Remus: This pertains to Bill: apparently us werewolves do enjoy raw meat, it's never really talked about apart from Bill. He is a special case, though, not that we'd mention that. Also I'm really quite sexist since I automatically assume Fleur will do all the cooking for her man.

Tonks: My husband, the joker.

Remus: WHY SO SIRIUS-AH!

Harry: That was the lamest thing I think I've ever heard. Plus, of course he's a joker, he's a bleedin' Marauder, inn't he?

George: Do we ever find that out?

Fred: Hell if I know.

Harry: Wait, you two got married?!

Tonks: Apparently!

Harry: Awesome!

Tonks: I know, right? *does a happy dance*

Remus: *is decidedly not depressed about this, meaning they cut most of The Chapter That Shall Not Be Mentioned, which is fucking awesometastic*

Harry: …And I wasn't invited to the wedding. Fine, I see how it is.

Remus: Oh come off it, we're gonna make you godfather of our child, get over yourself.

Tonks: Speaking of, Remus and I are totally preg—

Mad-Eye: TIMING!

Book readers: GO DIE IN A HOLE!

Mad-Eye: In a minute, first we have to get a move on. Over ninety takes won't shoot themselves, you know!

Actors: Huh boy.

iheartmwpp: Actually, if Tonks was in fact pregnant at this point—which she might have been even in the book, the narrative mentions that Remus "sounded almost angry at Tonks" once she finally showed up with Ron—then why'd she come along at all? If she was, I figured she'd want to protect her kid from the ambush that they already suspected might, and did, happen.

Mad-Eye: So, Potter, you won't be seventeen for another few days, which means you still have the Trace on you.

Harry: I was raised by Muggles, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Mad-Eye: Basically it detects if you do underage magic.

iheartmwpp: Oh hai plot hole. Dumbledore said in Book 6 that if a wizard does magic, its detected in the surrounding area, which is why Dobby's magic was blamed on Harry. If so, why wasn't Harry blamed for all the magic the Order used when they went to go get him in the beginning of Book Five? And, of course, now JKR completely contradicts herself when she comes up with the Trace, which is said to detect underage magic and making what Dumbledore said entirely pointless, as is Harry getting blamed for what Dobby did back in Book Two. Hooray for giant gaping plot holes and lack of continuity!

Mad-Eye: And if you sneeze, the Ministry would know who wipes your nose.

Harry: …One would hope it was me.

Mad-Eye: So we have to escort you in the only way that the Ministry can't detect.

Harry: So we'll be taking cars? No one ever pays attention to what Muggles are doing. Take a couple of cars, get lost in traffic for a few hours, eventually head to our destination, it could work.

Mad-Eye: Yeah, well, we're not that smart, so we'll be using brooms, thestrals, and flying motorbikes. IT'S FOOLPROOF. No gaping plot holes at all.

Harry: But—

Mad-Eye: At all!

Harry: …Kay…

Mad-Eye: And we'll go in pairs, in a bunch of different directions, so when we do get ambushed, they won't know which one they should be going after.

Harry: I have a bad feeling about this…

Mad-Eye: *pulls out hip flask* I believe you're familiar with this particular brew.

Harry: Okay, first off, how do we not know you're Barty Crouch Jr. again, considering we have no idea what happened to him after the end of Film Four? You basically have no way of proving otherwise. Second, hell no!

Hermione: Told you he'd be all for it.

Harry: If you think for one second that I'm going to let anyone else risk their lives for me—

Ron: Because no one's ever done that before, you never complained then!

Harry: You're not helping! I don't want an additional thirteen Siriuses and Dumbledores on my hands, if you don't mind! Besides, if you look like me—

Mad-Eye: Then they'll just incapacitate them. Voldemort wants to kill you personally.

Harry: Then he'll torture them and use them as hostages. Hostages that I will willingly give myself up for. Except for that bald guy in the back, I have no idea who that is, I care too much about all of you! I can't let that happen! This plan is stupid!

Fred: Well, none of us really want to turn into you anyway.

George: Yeah, imagine if something went wrong, and we ended up a scrawny, specky git forever.

Mad-Eye: Everyone here's of age, Potter. They can all kick your ass easily and you'd be powerless to stop them, and they've all agreed to do this.

Mundungus: I haven't!

Mad-Eye: It was your idea!

Mundungus: Doesn't mean I wanted to participate! Oh, I'm Mundungus Fletcher, Mr. Potter. I have a shrine dedicated to you in my closet.

Harry: …

Remus and Kingsley: Our expressions clearly say "What the hell is he doing here?"

Mad-Eye: What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Mundungus: What?

Mad-Eye: What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Mundungus: *shrugs*

Mad-Eye: Dung!

Mundungus: I don't get it.

iheartmwpp: Okay, I don't care if it was Dung's planted idea, they shouldn't have used him. Mad-Eye must have known what he would have done if they were gonna get attacked, which they were.

Mad-Eye: And for some reason we're making Granger get the hair instead of having you do it yourself.

Hermione: *rips off Harry's scalp*

Harry: OH GOD WHY.

Ron: Such a lovely, sweet-tempered girl.

iheartmwpp: Apparently Emma pulled a bit too hard in one of the takes.

Mad-Eye: And now I'm ordering you to put the scalp into the flask thing, even though that much should be obvious.

Hermione: *shoves Harry's bloody scalp into the tiny flask*

Mad-Eye: I look entirely too cheerful about this.

Polyjuice Potion: *should be shaken, not stirred*

Mad-Eye: For those of you who haven't taken Polyjuice before, fair warning: It tastes like goblin piss.

George: Have lots of experiences with that, do you, Mad-Eye?

Mad-Eye: LOOK, IT WAS A VERY TRAUMATIZING EXPERIENCE AND I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, OKAY. *breaks down sobbing*

Fred: Nice going, Georgie.

Nearly everyone else: Yeah, way to go, jackass.

Hermione: You know, you two really do go too far sometimes.

George: …I was just trying to diffuse the tension—

Remus: Yeah well you made it worse.

Bill: I hope you're proud of yourself.

George: … *sniff* Sorry, Mad-Eye.

Mad-Eye: Just drink the shit.

George: M'kay. Bleargh. *shrinks about three feet*

Fred: Also bleargh. *also shrinks about three feet*

Mundungus: I think I'm the only one who actually grew some. Also also bleargh.

Tonks: Yep, you're gruesome all right.

Kingsley: *high-fives her*

Harry: This has got to be the most fucked up…

Remus: The situation or the pun?

Harry: Yes.

Fleur: I instantly regret doing this. Also also also bleargh.

Ron: Yeah we're not doing that anymore.

Hermione: I look fucking weird with Harry's face on my body…That did not come out right.

Mad-Eye: *is moving around the room to give the camera something to focus on so that they can change the rest of the way off-screen*

Harry: …I look fantastic in Fleur's outfit!

Harry/Fred and Harry/George…Head and…fuck it, Garry again: Wow, we're identical!

Harry/Mundungus…Harry/Dung…Hung—No! Dairy!: Nothing fits right anymore, I think we should've changed before taking the potion.

Harry/Fleur…Fairy…Flair, yeah, Flair: I am so intensely uncomfortable, women's underpants were not made with male parts in mind.

Harry/Ron…Ron/Harry…Rory! Boo yah!: Meh.

Harry/Hermione…Okay, fine, Harmony, fuck my life: Wow, Dan's got my patented Worried FaceTM down perfectly. Also I second Fleur's statement.

Mad-Eye: Here, have a bag of clothes.

Harry: …How do you know my size and stuff?

Mad-Eye: We took your measurements while you were asleep.

Harry: OH GOD WHY AM I WORKING WITH YOU PEOPLE.

Remus: Anyone outside?

Tonks: Doesn't look like it.

Kingsley: Though they could be using magic to avoid detection, but that's just silly.

Garry: This outfit is lame.

Mad-Eye: You're lame!

Head: …More red? Really? I've been in Gryffindor so long I can no longer stand this stuff, couldn't you pick anything different?

Mad-Eye: Shut up and strip.

Dairy: Sweet.

Everyone who's been Polyjuiced: *surreptitiously and yet obviously look and feel down their underpants while changing*

Harry: Classy, guys, thanks so much.

Mad-Eye: You strip too.

Harry: …All of you are way too fucking creepy and I desperately need an adult.

Arthur: Yeah well, you're in a room full of adults, all of whom have already seen a naked man on account of most of us being men, so this is nothing new for any of us.

Rory: *whips his head around to stare at Harmony* You too?

Harmony: *whispers* Third movie.

Rory: Oh yeah.

Remus: It's a good thing I don't have any super special awesome hearing abilities…OR DO I.

Tonks: Do you?

Remus: I do not.

Tonks: Okay.

Flair: Bill, look away, I'm hideous. And, quite frankly, I know I don't really have breasts anymore, but it's still really weird for me to be taking my bra off in front of a room full of mostly men who are all staring at us. Here, hold my bra, would you?

Bill: …So the girls won't be wearing bras once they change back, then. Interesting…

Rory: I knew Ginny was lying about that tattoo. YAY SUBTLE NODS TO THE ORIGINAL SOURCE MATERIAL. And by subtle nods I mean exact quotes.

Tonks: We really should've brought Ginny with us, she would've loved this.

Harry: Tonks!

Tonks: *laughs* I'm just teasing!

Harmony: Harry, your eyesight really is awful.

Harry: …Hence the glasses, you dumb fuck.

Mad-Eye: So each of you is assigned a protector, except for Delacour who's just gonna cling to her fiancé. Dung, I'm assigned to you so you don't chicken out on us. Hopefully this won't result in my death.

Dairy: Yeah, you're really holding the Idiot Ball on this one.

Mad-Eye: As for Harry—

Half the people in the room: Yo.

Mad-Eye: *eyeroll* The real one!

Harry: Yo.

Mad-Eye: You're riding with Hagrid.

Harry: Oh, cool.

Kingsley: Ha, you can see me in the mirror.

Hagrid: I brought yeh here sixteen years ago, on Sirius's old motorbike an' everything, when you were no bigger than a bowtruckle.

Harry: That's nice, can I zip up my fly now?

Movie watchers: …The fuck's a bowtruckle?

Book readers: It was in Book Five as well as Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.

Movie watchers: …Uh…huh…

Hagrid: It only seems right tha' I should be the one ter finally take yeh away from this pile o' shit.

Mad-Eye: Yeah, yeah, that's all lovely and flower-scented, but there's kind of a fucking war going on here, let's save the sentimental crap for those who survive once it's over, kay?

Filmmakers: Mad-Eye Moody. Killer of moods.

~Merlin's inflamed pancreas, that was a shitload of tangents.~

Harry: *releases Hedwig*

Hopeful girl in the theater: Oh, thank you!

Fellow book readers: *chuckle in understanding, but for those who stuck around MuggleNet too long…*

Mad-Eye: And apparently most of you are already ready…Where the fuck is Dung and why aren't I with him right now.

Harry: I look ridiculous in this side car thing.

Book readers: Did Sirius actually have a sidecar or was that one of Hagrid and Arthur's additions?

Mad-Eye: Head for the Burrows. Absolutely every one of you.

Book readers: WTF, it's not plural! Also, why not be smart like you were in the book and use Portkeys to throw the Death Eaters off your trail?

Mad-Eye: On the count of THREE!

Muggle neighbors: *looking outside* …The hell…?

Hagrid: Hold tight, Harry! *starts up motorbike*

Harry: HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

Rory: *looks back at Harry* Don't worry, mate, we got this.

Harry: We're all gonna die.

Flair: I know you'll protect me, my love! *huggles*

Bill: …Okay, sweetie, this is getting too gushy even for me. Stop it.

Mad-Eye: THREE!

Everyone: WHEEEEEEEE!

Mad-Eye: *ducks* Watch it, Hagrid, you almost hit me!

Hagrid: Sorry, Mad-Eye!

Mad-Eye: Eh, it's okay—Damn it, Bill! *ducks again*

Bill: LOL.

Harry: Do the la la la la la la la la lalala lalala—HOLY CRAP.

Mad-Eye: For a guy with a bum leg, I sure got up here fast. Now then…Seriously, where the fuck is Dung. *flies off*

Audience: Way to blatantly foreshadow his death by focusing on him like that.

Harry: And it's gonna thunder and lightning and junk. Perfect.

Death Eaters: This ain't lightning.

Order of the Phoenix: Oh bugger.

Death Eaters: …There are like five thousand of us compared to you fourteen, that's a bit weird, we thought we only slightly out-numbered you.

Order of the Phoenix: Oh we are so fucked.

Death Eaters: Seriously, look at our numbers, how the flying fuck were Moody, some bird, and one of the Weasleys' ears the only casualties?!

Arthur: I appear to be vaguely badass.

Harry: I wanna help—Damn it, can't get a clear shot.

Hagrid: Yeah, I say we fly in a completely different direction so we can avoid all this shit.

Harry: No, Hagrid! We have to go back and help them, I can't take this!

Hagrid: I can' do tha', Harry! Apparently Mad-Eye's the official leader o' the Order now tha' Dumbledore's dead, since I'm takin' orders from him now! An' yeh know I don' disobey orders from people I trust!

Harry: But they're gonna kill them! We have to help them! *pulls out wand*

Hagrid: *pulls him back* Don'. He'll kill yeh like a small dog. Let yer anger be like a monkey in a piñata, hidin' with the candy, hopin' the children don' break through with the sticks.

Harry: …Wut.

Hagrid: I HAZ A FLAMETHROWER! *punches button and they zoom forward*

Harry: Huh. Action movie chase scene in traffic. Didn't know we could pull that off. Also pretty sure this isn't strictly canon.

Hagrid: It ain't, but since most o' this movie involves bein' out in the woods, we need ter hold the audience's attention somehow. Hang on! *slams down into the middle of a highway*

Random Muggles: …Did a motorbike just drop out of the sky?

Death Eaters: We're following you!

Random Muggles: …This'll all get blamed on the usual flimsy "something in the water supply" excuse, won't it. Because holy shit.

Harry: *sends random nonverbal hex at Death Eater #864*

Death Eater #864: OW MY KNEES. GOD THIS BURNS.

Nicolas Cage: HOW'D IT GET BURNED, HOW'D IT GET BURNED!

Death Eater #863: Fucking hate trailer thingies. *hexes car pulling a trailer thingy*

Muggle family still in car: WE NEVER SAW WALES. *explode*

Harry: …Well shit.

Hagrid: Don' think we'd be able ter fly over that in time, so let's jus' go around it. *goes around it*

Harry: WE'RE IN THE WRONG LANE!

Bus: HI GUYS!

Hagrid: I FUCKIN' HATE TRAFFIC!

Death Eaters: *hex random cars in their way causing them to explode*

MOAR random Muggle families: WOULD YOU STOP KILLING US ALREADY.

Death Eaters: …No, don't think we will, thanks. Believe us, if we weren't specifically hunting Potter right now, we'd just be sending curses at you people at random and watch you die horribly while we sat back and ate popcorn. But why show any ramifications on the Muggle world when we can just focus on the three main characters and no one else.

Muggles: These accidents are going to cause such major traffic jams…

Hagrid: *swerves to avoid oncoming traffic* An' now we're gonna ride on the ceiling of this random tunnel. *rides on the ceiling of this random tunnel*

Harry: I'm pretty sure that this clip of me running on the bus was used in absolutely every trailer EVER. Save something exciting for the actual movie!

Hagrid: *back on the ground again* Tha' was fun, let's do it again!

Harry: Hm, let me think about—no.

Death Eater #952: WHEEEEEE! *stuns Hagrid*

Book readers: So stunners bounce off Hagrid in Book Five, yet here it only takes one to take him out. THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

Harry: *pushes Hagrid aside and gains control* And I spontaneously know how to fly my godfather's motorbike for some reason. *starts flying effortlessly*

Death Eater #952: *tries to stun Harry*

Hedwig: Does Hedwig have to choke a bitch? DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH MY MAN!

Book readers: *audible gasp, start motioning frantically for her to get the fuck out*

Hedwig: BITCH I CUT YOU! *makes a swipe at Death Eater #952*

Death Eater #952: Oh hell no, I am not getting my ass handed to me by a fucking bird! *does a nonverbal Killing Curse. Because that's totally possible*

Hedwig: I'm a leaf on the wind. Watch how I—

Nearly everyone's childhood: *gets Avada Kedavra'd*

Hopeful girl in the theater, along with quite a few other people: NO!

Rory: That's unfortunate

iheartmwpp: …Least he didn't have to blow her up in this version…

iheartmwpp's father person: Tastes like chicken.

iheartmwpp: FUCK. YOU.

Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooo… *gasps for air* —OOOOOOOOOOO!

Death Eater #952: Bored now. *leaves*

Harry: …Okay… Seriously, the guy deals the harshest blow to me in the movie thus far — hell, I think I'm way more torn up about Hedwig than I will be about Mad-Eye—and he just leaves? What reason could hepossibly have for OOOOWWWW OOWWW OWWW FOREHEAD OWWWW oh that's why. Okay, not the best time to lose focus while flying through a bunch of electrical wires and shit…Where am I even going, I haven't the slightest clue where the Burrow is in relation to my current position.

Voldemort: I CAN FLY! WOOOOOOOT! THIS IS IN NO WAY DIFFERENT FROM WHAT THE DEATH EATERS AND EVEN ORDER MEMBERS HAVE BEEN DOING SINCE THE FIFTH FILM! Seriously, just have them fly around like that for this scene, why even use brooms?

Harry: Iunno, but would you quit shouting? I'm trying to lose consciousness on a precarious flying instrument I don't know how to control in order to get to a location that I'm not entirely sure where it's supposed to be.

Voldemort: That's cool. I kill you now.

Harry's wand: Yeah how 'bout no. *gold light*

Lucius's wand: *green light*

Harry: Priori incantatem AGAIN?! What the hell, people, what the hell.

Book readers: 'Least this time it's vaguely canon.

Lucius's wand: I'LL MISS YOU, SNAKEY! *asplodes*

Voldemort: …Oh fuck.

Harry: *slams on the flamethrower thingy again in order to GTFO*

Voldemort: NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

This scream: *will be heard three times in the trailer for Film Eight despite never once making an appearance in the actual next movie*

Electric wire thingies: *fall down, taking the wires with them and causing a visible blackout that Harry flies over*

iheartmwpp: Ooooooh, they're not gonna have power for a while. *winces in sympathy*

Hagrid: I LIVE!

Harry: Yes, yes, the entire fandom is incredibly thankful, now could you kindly figure out how to LAND THIS FUCKING THING ALREADY?!

Hagrid: Oh, yeah, right.

Harry: …Did we just enter a giant bubble?

Hagrid: Yep.

Harry: …Kay then…

Molly: Why am I washing the dishes without magic?

Audience: Okay, if Molly was so worried about her husband and sons, why didn't she go with them instead? She's proven to be a fully capable witch later in the year, and she definitely would have been better than Dung! Oh, right, forgot she's kind of old fashioned. And by old fashioned we mean sexist.

Motorbike: *splashes directly into that stupid water area thing surrounding the Burrow since last film, taking an absurd amount of time to finally come to a stop*

Harry: And now I'm completely sopping wet. Brilliant.

Hagrid: This is a good look fer me.

Molly: Harry!

Ginny: Hagrid!

Harry: Oh, thanks, love, I appreciate that.

Ginny: What do you expect, you dumped me—

Harry: That didn't happen in this version!

Ginny: …Oh. Well in that case—

Molly: That doesn't matter right now, where are the others?!

Harry: …No one else is back yet?

Hagrid: They knew exactly wha' we were doin' from the start, Molly. We didn' stand a chance. Which is exactly why we made it through safely.

Molly: Well, since I care about Harry more than any of my own children—

Ginny: I'm standing right here, you know.

Molly: *notices nothing* —then I guess I can deal with it if it's just him who survived.

Harry: Well that makes one of us.

Hagrid: The Death Eaters were waitin' fer us.

Molly: Really? I had no idea that their knowing what we were doing would've lead to an ambush.

Harry: *walks up to Ginny* …You're like a foot taller than me now.

Ginny: Ron, Tonks, Dad, and Fred should've been back already.

Remus and Garry: 'Sup.

Ginny: Yay, I have at least one brother left!

Harry: What about Percy and Charlie?

Ginny: Who?

Remus: So George is kind of bleeding profusely. Little help?

Harry: HOLY SHIT MUFFINS. *helps Remus carry Garry, who morphs back into George*

Ginny: I'll just stand here and watch, showing no concern whatsoever that my brother appears to be bleeding to death!

Harry: I knew there was a reason I fell in love with you, you're just so caring!

Molly: And now to actually act appropriately. Ahem. OH NO MY BABY BOY THIS IS TERRIBLE!

Harry and Remus: *dump George unceremoniously onto the couch*

George: Ow.

Remus: *tackles Harry into a wall and points his wand at his face*

Ginny: Whoa, what the fuck?

Remus: STFU.

iheartmwpp: There was a screenshot of Remus tackling Harry that was released before the movie came out, and it had me TOTALLY GEEKING OUT BECAUSE I COULD SEE THE RING, WHICH MEANT THE FILM WAS ACKNOWLEDGING THAT HE WAS A MARRIED-FACE. WHICH IS AWESOME. I need serious help.

Remus: What creature sat in the corner the first time Harry Potter visited my office in Hogwarts.

Harry: This question is useless, though, Snape stopped by to drop off your potion, remember?

Remus: BITCH ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION!

Harry: OKAY, OKAY, GRINDYLOW! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!

Movie watchers: …Did we miss a scene?

Harry: …You gonna let me go or what?

Remus: …Fine. *lets him go* We've been betrayed. A-fucking-gain. I am SO sick of that happening! Everybody betray me. I fed up with this world! So yeah, had to make sure you weren't under Polyjuice or something, sorry about that, little one. Also my hair is quite messy.

Harry: …Good for you…?

LOUD NOISES!: *are heard*

Remus, Harry, and Hagrid: *run outside*

Remus: And now my hair's much neater, weird.

Harry: Ohhh, that's why, okay.

Hermione: I LIVE!

Harry: OH THANK MERLIN.

Remus: Wait! *points his wand at Kingsley*

Kingsley: *points his wand at Remus* The last words Albus Dumbledore spoke to the pair of us.

Remus: Harry is the best hope we have. Trust him.

Harry: Yep. We're gonna die. A lot.

Remus: And apparently there's no need to ask Kingsley a follow-up question.

Harry: Why, were you gonna tackle him too?

Remus: Oh get over yourself.

Kingsley: So what gave you away, since I somehow know that Voldemort chased after you.

Harry: They changed the scene so that Hedwig died in an act of stupidity, like a true Gryffindor. *sniffs* I'm so proud! *cries*

Kingsley: Well that clears that up—OH GOD I'M BLIND.

Bill and Fleur: WHEEEEEEE!

Tenebrus: *shudders* Never again…

Tonks: We're back too.

Rory: Even though we all took the potion at the same time, mine has yet to wear off. THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

Remus: Yay. My wife's back. Hooray.

Hermione: It's taking me a second to realize which one's the real Harry, despite him talking about Hedwig and the fact that I knew that Ron was paired up with Tonks…Are there any fanfics involving that pairing, I wonder. Oh who cares. GLOMP! *glomps Rory as he morphs back into Ron*

Tonks: Apparently I'm just standing around watching them hug.

Harry: Likewise.

Ron: Heh, thanks…I can now barely see you through these things.

Tonks: Now I get to hug my husband. *eyeroll…and glomp*

Remus: HUGGLES!

Harry: And now I'm just gonna stare at both the hugging couples that are in no way iheart's favorite pairings.

Tonks: Still, he definitely deserves that. Brilliant, he was. Apparently he saved my life.

Remus: Thanks man, I owe you big time.

Ron: Eh, it was nothing.

Hermione: I AM DISBELIEF.

Ron: Always the tone of surprise. And yes, fans will now have me saying this all the bloody time. And somehow it never gets old.

Hermione: That's nice, dear. *takes off glasses*

Harry: That's it, not caring anymore, hugging best friends now, you can't stop me.

Hermione: …We were never doing anything to stop you.

Ron: Yeah, you could've come over at any time, you know.

Harry: Whatever. Oh, George lost an ear.

Ron: Wow, thanks for not telling me in the film, asshole.

Arthur and Fred: YAY WE'RE BACK TOO.

Arthur: We the last ones back? Where's George…Remus, why is your neck covered in blood?

Remus: I am so sorry—

Fred: Oh hell no!

Arthur: You are shitting me.

iheartmwpp: So Fred immediately ran forward…How did Arthur manage to enter the Burrow before him?

Molly: He's either asleep, unconscious, or dead, not sure which.

Fred: Oh, my twin brother's been injured. Think I'll just take my time getting over to him instead of rushing to his side, it's not like he might bleed to death in the meantime.

Arthur: You do that, I'll just stand here as if I don't care much that my fifth son has almost been killed or anything.

Ron: Wow, and here I thought I was the unfavorite. Actually, I think I'll take a leaf out of Dad's book and just stand around as well.

Harry: I AM IN THE MIDST OF THE MOST LOVING FAMILY ENVIRONMENT IMAGINABLE.

Fred: I apparently can tell that he's awake. So how're you feeling, Georgie?

George: Saint-like.

Fred: …Da fuck?

George: Saint-like! I'm holey. I'm holey, Fred, geddit? *points to what should be a gaping hole but isn't*

Fred: …It's not really a hole so much as they just tore some stuff off the pinna. You'll probably have some scarring that's almost impossible to notice next film unless you pause it and stare at it for a bit, but it's not exactly torn clean off like in the book.

Remus: Oh yeah. Snape did that. BTW.

Fred: Everyone's just so informative tonight, aren't they?

George: Reckon I'm still better looking than you.

Fred: Way to steal a line I should've used earlier.

George: I try.

Fleur: So we've been here the whole time, but no one really cares.

Domhnall Gleeson: I'm announcing my own father's death, this is a bit odd.

Harry: …Please tell me you're joking and that he's just resting in the blood of his enemies.

Bill: Nope! Dung saw Voldemort and scampered. Somehow this means that Mad-Eye automatically died, not that he got hit in the face by The-Guy-Who-Really-Hasn't-Done-All-That-Much-Killing-Since-He-Got-Back himself or anyone else, so let's just blame Dung.

Harry: Well fuck me, then.

Remus: Oh great. *sits down heavily* Kingsley, who's taking over-ish this time, you or me?

Kingsley: Well you did fight in the last war and I don't think I did, but…Iunno. Arthur, you want a shot?

Arthur: Not particularly.

Kingsley: Me neither.

Remus: Me neither!

Kingsley: Well this is just fan-tucking-fastic.

George: …Can I get, like, a Band-Aid or something?

Hagrid: I'm comically large!

Harry: That's nice, I want to kill myself to get rid of this guilt. Again.

~…So George is fine then? He was kinda just lying there…~

Ron: I don't appear to be actually asleep…OR AM I.

Harry: Hey, look, a nightmare. I'm sure everyone is surprised.

Mad-Eye: Head for the Burrows. Absolutely every one of you.

Book readers: WTF, it's not plural! Also, why not be smart like you were in the book and use portkeys to throw the Death Eaters off your trail?

Audience: Great. More flashbacks, since we enjoyed those so much in Film Five.

Harry: I'm traumatized and blind. What fun!

Ring: Baggins…Baggins…

Dumbledore: Huh, maybe I should've just given you a portkey so you could avoid the press and try and come to terms with Sirius's death for a little bit, but why do that when I can just drag you through the Ministry for everyone to see and wonder what happened?

Riddle: By the way, there are still a shitload of Horcruxes. Just in case you forgot.

Harry: *picks up fake Horcrux* WOW this is tacky, hope the real one's prettier.

Cameras: We're still really bright for no reason.

Slughorn: It's probably a bad idea to rip the soul into more than two pieces. People will notice shit's up if you're visibly losing important body parts and tell you to lighten up on the plastic surgery a bit. Actually, it's kind of a bad idea to rip the soul at all, so maybe we should just forget about this whole conversation, m'kay? M'kay.

Dumbledore: Huh, the gaping hole in this book looks way bigger than in Film Two. Odd, that.

Harry: ENOUGH WITH THE DAMN CAMERAS ALREADY!

Audience: WHY IS THE WIZARDING PRESS DRESSED LIKE A BUNCH OF MUGGLES.

Harry: I have an ear. Unlike George.

McGonagall: BOOM.

Dumbledore: It probably isn't a very good idea for me to put my arm around you like this considering the recent revelation about my sexuality and the disturbing abundance of slashfic writers surrounding this fandom, but considering that I've been ignoring you all year and you've just lost one of your vast number of easily replaceable father figures, I figured that I'd offer you this small semblance of comfort.

Voldemort: Meanwhile, back at the plot, I really need some shoes, running through the sewer like this and getting my feet covered in poo doesn't make my character all that menacing really. I think I'll make up for it by torturing this old guy, he lied to me anyway.

John Hurt: I'm still in the movies!

Harry: Huh. You'd think that all these revelations plus the fact that I'm seeing into Voldemort's mind again would make me thrash about insanely and yell out, thus waking Ron up, or that I would at least sit straight up with an alarmed look on my face, but instead I think I'll slowly open my eyes and just stare at the ceiling for a bit. At least I'm doing a decent job of looking like I'm holding back tears due to the fact that I just lost Hedwig and am still mourning Dumbledore and Sirius. Oh and Mad-Eye. He was cool too. *grabs wand*

Book readers: We expected some sort of alarm to be placed on the door to signify if anyone's entering or leaving, the Order should've expected Harry to do something stupid like this.

Harry: *shuts the door behind him* I have no idea where I'm gonna go, but I'm heading off anyway. It's better this way, if I die alone then I won't have to feel guilty about dragging any of them with me.

Ron: *comes out the front door*

Harry: I'm not turning around, I don't care—

Ron: Yeah, get back here, I think you're nearly at the edge of the bubble.

Harry: *turns around* Nobody else is going to die. Not for me.

EVERYONE EVER: *is laughing hysterically before curling up in a corner and crying for days*

Ron: What, you think Mad-Eye died for you?

Harry: Yep. I was the one he was protecting.

Ron: You think George took that curse for you?

Harry: Same reason, yeah.

Ron: Okay, first of all, Snape was trying to curse some Death Eater that was trying to curse Lupin, ensuring that he'd live till the climax, but he failed at life and that's why George was cursed. Pity The Prince's Tale never covers that in this version. Also, just because you're the Chosen One doesn't mean the world revolves around you, these guys were big boys who made their own damn decisions, if you ask me it's their own faults. And the faults of Voldemort and his Death Eaters and shit. And yeah, my words run together a little bit here, but I'm out of breath from running after you and, quite frankly, people mess up all the time in real life, it adds more realism to this scene. So nyah.

Harry: …Let's run away together.

Ron: …Has Steve Kloves switched from Harry/Hermione to Harry/Ron, what gives? And we're not going anywhere without Hermione, as I state the obvious that you seem to have forgotten that we would've been dead in Book One without her help…Don't tell her I said that.

Harry: Why not? It'd be a great boost to her self-esteem, not only to hear us say it but to hear you say it, it would totally get you further with your relationship. I mean, we really never give her enough credit for saving our asses on practically a monthly basis. Neither does anyone else, really, remember our second year? We got Special Awards for Services to the School and a ridonculous amount of House Points even though Hermione did most of the work! Somehow being petrified at a critical moment means you get no credit, evidently according to Dumbledore, so we really have to verbally reassure her of how awesome she is in thanks, it's the least we can do, really.

Ron: Uh-huh, sure, fine, but the point is, not only do we need to wait till you're seventeen so we can work without the Ministry's interference, but most importantly, my oldest brother's getting hitched, I can't miss that!

Harry: Look, I've never met your eldest brother in this version and I barely know Fleur, so I couldn't care less, no matter what I might tell your sister what I think is tomorrow morning. I have to start moving on with the plot, I know we've got two movies to drag the whole thing out but if we just sit around and do absolutely nothing for the first half the audience will get bored and not care! And the longer we don't do anything, the more Voldemort's gonna start fucking shit up for everyone, I just want to get this over with so I can try and live a normal life.

Ron: Now, don't be hasty—

Harry: *glares* Hasty?! Our friends are out there! They need our help! They cannot fight this war on their own!

Ron: Look, if you just walk out there like that, he'll kill you to death. We need to wait until we can actually make a move and not instantly get killed. Okay?

Harry: …

Ron: …

Harry: …Fine. *drops rucksack in…a symbolic gesture to show he's staying? To show that the fight bled out of him and now he's just exhausted? I don't get it*

Ron: *picks up rucksack for him…to show he'll always be there to help him out? To show that he's Harry's willing servant who follows his orders even if Harry didn't actually give them? To show how grateful he is that Harry's chosen to stay? I still don't get it*

Harry: Hang on, still staring off into the direction I really want to be going in right now…Okay done, let's go back.

Ron: Thank you! *eyeroll* Anyway, do you think The-Guy-We're-Gonna-Spend-The-Rest-Of-The-Franchise-Trying-To-Destroy knows when we actually destroy bits of his own soul?

Harry: That's actually a really good question that I didn't ask Dumbledore in this version, so I couldn't have told you his theory that Voldemort mutilated his soul to the point that he can't even feel the other pieces anymore.

Ron: Pity. Oh, and here's some exposition on the ones that are destroyed so far…and the others we have to work on finding. If only we had a Hufflepuff on our team. They could be anywhere. If I had a Horcrux, I would drop it in the bottom of the ocean. Or I would put it in a pyramid with King Tut and all of his troops. Or I would blast it into space with a monkey who knew nothing about Horcruxes.

Harry: My silence as we go into the house indicates that I have no fucking clue where to begin either. Which should kind of give you a fucking hint.

Ron: Hey, a lot of stuff had been building up when I hit that point, shut up till we start shouting at each other.

~WOW that part's gonna be a bitch to write.~

Review or you will be forced to spend weeks in the same empty, salmon-colored room watching dudes fail to take bras off of themselves.


	4. Teh PEOPLE ARE DYING! LET'S RAISE THE ROOF!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Fullmetal Alchemist, Kingdom Hearts, Wild Target, The Hobbit, Indiana Jones, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, or the script of the movie.

~I have no idea where this scene goes and I don't feel like checking the script again, so let's just randomly insert it here.~

Yaxley: *bangs the door open and walks around the empty house aimlessly, showing off his cute little Edward Elric braid*

Audience: … *head tilt* Okay…?

Yaxley: THIS IS TO SHOW THAT THE GRANGERS ACTUALLY WENT TO FUCKING AUSTRALIA.

Audience: Oohhhh, okay.

~We now return you to the part of the movie that isn't entirely pointless—Oh wait, it's the Ginny-dress-thing. Never mind, you're on your own.~

Harry: Yay an embroidered thingy, since Bill and Fleur are the ones getting married and we never quite covered that. Still kinda think it should've been Remus and Tonks in the film to let us bond with them for a little more so the movie watchers would actually be motivated to give a shit before they were killed off—hey, a newspaper! This could only be full of good things.

Rita Skeeter: I haz a new book coming out!

Harry: Oh great.

Michael Gambon: CAMEO!

Gambon haters: Oh for fuck's sake.

Dumbledore: *closes door, which slams*

Book readers: …Since when do photographs produce sound? That's…That's just stupid, JKR has told us again and again that photographs are different than portraits! You'll be telling us that the people in them can talk next!

Elphias Doge: Apparently there's a lack of death for once—well, either that or they're covering it up, which would be a surprise to no one, since my eulogy is being reprinted for some reason.

Harry: I hate this font, I can barely read it.

Ginny: Mind giving me a hand? I'd ask Hermione but I wanted to tease you.

Harry: *stares at Ginny's bare back*

Audience: …FOR FANSERVICE!

Ginny: A strand of hair keeps moving over my shoulder and back to the rest of my hair, just ignore it.

Harry: Done and done. *zips up her dress* Wait, why would witches' dresses have zippers? I are confuzzled. Then again I'm not wearing dress robes either, so whatever.

Ginny: It seems a bit silly, doesn't it, us having a wedding like this when we should probably start going underground and prepare ourselves to try and survive all this and get ready to fight and everything else that's associated with, y'know, war.

Harry: Yeah, I guess we needed one more nice and happy scene before shit really starts to go down, you know?

Ginny: Considering we never broke up in this version, Imma start snogging you now.

Harry: Okay, but only if it lacks any semblance of chemistry.

George: I'm sneaky. Like a ninja.

Harry and Ginny: OUR LOVE HAS BLINDED US TO THE FACT THAT YOU ARE NOW IN OUR PRESENCE.

George: Imma stick my toothbrush in my ear…and apparently have a cup of coffee or tea or something immediately afterward, that can't taste very good after minty toothpaste.

Ginny: Oh bugger, my brothers will never stop teasing me about this now.

Harry: Shit.

George: Morning. *smirks and winks*

Ginny: Fuck this, I'm leaving.

Harry: Later, then. *looks awkwardly at His Holeyness*

George: It amuses me that she is taller than you.

Harry: Shove it. *leaves*

~Wouldn't it be better to make it a secret wedding, what with all the obvious plots to MURDER EVERYONE THERE?!~

Arthur: ALL TOGETHER NOW, AND DON'T FUCK IT UP OR IMMA SHOVE ARTICHOKES DOWN YOUR LIVERS.

His children: …You make no sense. *start lifting the tent with magic*

Ron: I'm of age now, this is so fucking awesome.

Molly: Apparently I couldn't be bothered and just had the men of the house take care of everything for me.

Fleur and Hermione: Indeed.

Audience: LOL Hagrid's still got the umbrella.

Arthur: How's it look over there?

Fred: It looks like that scene last film was completely fucking pointless, the Burrow looks fine.

Arthur: Yeah, yeah, we've been through that enough, shut up.

Scrimgeour: I have arrived and shit.

iheartmwpp: When I first saw the trailers, I decidedly thought that was someone else. I was like, "WTF, when did Snape go to the Burrow? Um, anger? Um, confusion?"

George: Bloody hell. What's the Minister of Magic doing here? Apart from this being the current location of the Boy Who No One Will Leave Alone Until All Of This Is Over And Probably Not Even Then, of course.

Fred: What the hell, I'm the one who's dying next film, give me some more damn lines!

~Seems odd that most everyone is already dressed and ready for the wedding, yet Hermione hadn't even started getting dressed or doing her hair or anything yet.~

Harry: …The hell were we just doing?

Hermione: Let's just ignore it and focus on trying not to laugh considering Bill Nighy and Rupert Grint starred in a quite humorous British comedy together. With Bilbo Baggins as a fucking badass.

Harry: …Martin Freeman is a fucking badass. As is Bilbo, for that matter.

Scrimgeour: I'm still standing here awkwardly, you know.

Harry: Oh, right. The fuck are you doing here.

Scrimgeour: I think we both know the answer to that question, Mr. Potter.

Harry: …No, I really don't.

~And then they sat down…OMINOUSLY.~

Scrimgeour: COWER IN FEAR AS I PLACE SOMETHING ON THE TABLE.

Confused Trio of Is Confused: OMIGOD THIS IS TERRIFYING.

Scringeour: …

Impatient Trio of Get On With It: …

Scrimgeour: …

Harry: JUST EXPLAIN ALREADY.

Scrimgeour: *takes out piece of paper, then uses Film Three wandless magic to have it open up and hover before him* It's Dumbledore's will. And stuff.

Wide-Eyed Trio of Worried And Bewildered Expressions: Whoa.

Scrimgeour: "In the event of my death, Gryffindor wins the House Cup."

Ron and Hermione: AWESOME! *high fives*

Harry: Wait, is that just meant for this year? Or last year, maybe, I don't even know if we had a closing feast with which to celebrate any of the Houses winning. Or did he mean that Gryffindor wins for the rest of Hogwarts's days, making the point system entirely useless?

Scrimgeour: *ignoring, keeps reading with a thoroughly confused expression* "Hogwarts goes to Harry Potter, my chocolate factory goes to Charlie, and…Toon Town goes to the toons…?"

Harry: He was a bit weird, just keep going, see if there's anything that actually matters.

Scrimgeour: Righty-ho, then. "First, to Ronald Bilius Weasley—"

iheartmwpp's father person: *gigglesnort* Bilius?

iheartmwpp: He was one of Ron's uncles, mentioned in Book Three and this book for that matter, do keep up.

Scrimgeour: "…I leave my Deluminator, which fans might remember from the very first scene of the very first movie. It's all coming together, bitches." *opens pouch thing* "And now I'm repeating that weird Kingdom Hearts bullshit I spouted back in Film Three. Deal with it."

Ron: *takes Deluminator out of its cloth thing* Dumbledore acknowledged the fact that I exist?

Scrimgeour: Apparently.

Ron: Weird. So…What is it, anyway?

Scrimgeour: Bugger if I know.

Ron: *clicks it, the lights from the oil lamps go into it, clicks it again and the lights go back* …Well that effect looked slightly better than in the first film.

Scrimgeour: No shit, this is about nine years later, after all.

Ron: Good point.

Scrimgeour: "To Hermione Jane That Was Changed to Jean Because JKR Forgot When She Gave Umbridge The Same Middle Name And Who Wants That Granger, I leave a book of children's fairy tales since I know, being raised by Muggles, she won't know any of them and will kill herself if she doesn't read absolutely every single book by every wizard ever written ever. Also it might help to further the plot even if she blatantly disregards the facts that are staring her right in the face, as per usual."

Book readers: Hers is thicker than ours, are we missing a few of the tales?

Ron: Oh yeah, I heard those all the time when I was a kid. The Wizard and the Hopping Pot, Babbity Rabbity and her Cackling Stump.

Harry, Hermione, and iheartmwpp's father person: *stare at Ron incredulously*

Ron and iheartmwpp: Come on! Babbity Rabbity! No? Well you suck.

Scrimgeour: "To Harry James Potter, I leave the Snitch he caught in his first Quidditch match. The outcome of me doing this will in no way break everyone's hearts or create a scene that, if you do not at least sniffle a little bit, you have no soul."

Harry: …You're shitting me.

Scrimgeour: I almost appear to be hamming it up more than Lockhart.

Harry: Not possible.

Hermione: Um…

Harry: *takes Snitch*

Hermione: …Never mind then.

Scrimgeour: Seriously. What the hell, I totally expected something.

Harry: That can't really be it, though.

Scrimgeour: True dat, yo. Dumbledore left you something else, as you are of course the clear favorite. And somehow you get the Sword of Godric Gryffindor. If that's not favoritism, I don't know what is.

Harry: And yet we don't figure out that we can use it as a weapon to destroy our prey until halfway through this first half. How much does that suck. So let's have it.

Scrimgeour: Well you can't, it belongs in a museum. Or at least to the school, but in any case it wasn't Dumbledore's to give to you. So nyah.

Hermione's eyebrows: …Noooo, it belongs to Harry.

Audience: AH! THE EYEBROWS ARE BACK! RUN AWAY!

iheartmwpp: No, I'm not doing another bloody count, she actually manages to control them loads better in this movie as a whole. Either that or her acting has improved so much that I just don't notice them as much, one of the two.

Hermione: It was a Deus Ex Machina/plot device from Film Two, and since it's making its reappearance here that means it'll be important to us in the near future, so we really need it right about now. *see? Already she got them back under control*

Scrimgeour: The sword may present itself to any worthy Gryffindor, or even perhaps any person just showing a pair of balls at a particular point in time when those who deserve help need help. That doesn't exactly mean that it then becomes that wizard's property. Except perhaps in the case of Neville Longbottom.

Harry: Seconded.

Scrimgeour: But even if we were in agreement on this issue, it wouldn't do any good since no one knows where the sword is at this point.

Blank Expression Trio of Daaaah: …Well shit.

Scrimgeour: So I'm pretty sure you're trying to do something that'll actually be beneficial in our fight against He-Who-Will-End-Up-Killing-Me-Very-Shortly, but you can't fight this war on your own. He's too strong, he's got a shitload of followers, and you need all the help you can get.

Book readers: …Huh. That was actually a decent attempt to offer assistance. Well done, sir.

Harry: Indeed, I completely agree with you. Hey, you know what would help? If you'd consider giving us the sword if you ever found it so we'd have an edge against him.

Scrimgeour: No. Piss off.

Harry: In which case you fail at life.

~Whoa, that's a pretty bigass tent they got there. I especially like the large target painted on the side, very lovely indeed.~

Remus: Apparently I'm helping out with guard duty. Not that we really need it, of course, it's not like there's any chance of this massive gathering of anti-Voldemort supporters being attacked or anything.

Harry: Okay, I know I'm not much of a party person, but what the hell am I doing all the way back here?

Snitch: I AM FOLLOWING YOU.

Harry: …Why.

Snitch: I DON'T KNOW.

Harry: Awesome. *catches it*

Remus: I am staring at you whilst you are playing with the Snitch.

Harry: Please don't mistake me for my father.

Remus: No, no, I'm just having flashbacks.

Harry: Oh, okay then.

Remus: I WILL NOW REJOIN THE PARTY. Hurry up, you.

Harry: I'm getting there, I'm getting there.

Newlywed Weasleys: *dancing adorably together* THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER. Also why is this not on the soundtrack, it could do with some cheerful tunes.

Harry: *smiling at them* I bet I would also look fantastic in Fleur's wedding dress.

Champagne glasses: *are automatically refilling themselves*

Practically every single person I know: *really wishes that was real*

Maxime: CAMEO!

Hagrid: How the hell are yeh?

EVERYONE EVER: THERE IS NO END TO THE EPICNESS THAT IS THE FAMILY LOVEGOOD.

Hermione: It's actually fine for my hair to look absolutely perfect, it's a fucking party, right after a wedding and everything.

Ron: If only I was wearing some form of dress robe, I could hide this massive boner I have right now.

iheartmwpp: I am now going to present a section the original script to you, in its mostly original format. You are going to let it sink in and draw your own conclusions.

Nearby, Tonks, hand to her belly, leans forward and  
WHISPERS something to Mrs. Weasley, who reacts with happy  
surprise. Harry studies Tonks's belly…

LUPIN (O. S.)  
We want you to be the godfather.

Harry turns, sees Lupin standing behind, staring at Tonks  
with affection. As his eyes shift to Harry, Harry  
sputters:

HARRY  
You mean - But that's brilliant -  
I… don't know what to say.

LUPIN  
Say yes.

Lupin grins, claps Harry on the shoulder and hikes off  
into the darkness, joining the WIZARDS STANDING GUARD in  
the garden's deepest shadows. Harry looks back to Tonks,  
then notices a slight, TUFTY-HAIRED WIZARD (ELPHIAS DOGE)  
sitting alone at a table just beyond her.

iheartmwpp: Yep. That happened. It was in the script. I even found a production photo to go with it, of David Thewlis with his hand on Dan's shoulder, leaning down as though to tell him something, and both of them were dressed for the wedding and were looking off-camera at something. Or someone. Like that pregnant woman that we didn't officially know was pregnant and there would be no other way for Harry to find out because of that one time Moody cut her off when she was announcing the news, which was fine for teh smart, but Harry is teh dumb when it comes to this kind of crap and everyone knows it. It needs to be spelled out for the main character, to his face, so he knows what the shit is going on so he doesn't spontaneously gain knowledge later and make the filmmakers look incompetent. *goes off to punch something*

Elphias: They need to serve stronger stuff at these things.

Harry: I wonder where Ginny is right now—MUST SAY HELLO TO RANDOM OLD PERSON.

Luna: 'Sup.

Harry: Oh my God, YOU'RE SHORTER THAN ME!

Luna: Camera angle.

Harry: Balls.

Xenophilius: LOOK A BUTTERFLY!

Harry: …Never thought that kind of thing actually happened…

Luna: Oh bugger, you were gonna do something plot-related and I'm just wasting film, aren't I.

Harry: Eh, this has been split up into two movies, we can afford to waste time to stretch them a bit. Besides, everyone loves you, I can think of no one who sees you as a waste of film.

Luna: Why thank you. Check out this gaping wound. *shows Harry finger that's just barely hanging on by a thread of skin* Those gnomes are pretty vicious. Wouldn't it've been nice to see them onscreen?

Xenophilius: Now, now, Luna, we can't have any of that logical talk around here, people will start to look at you funny. *kisses the top of her head*

Luna: *doesn't pull away in embarrassment like most sixteen-year-olds would*

Xenophilius: Haaaaaaai. We're actually pretty close neighbors with the Weasleys, which is why Ron had no idea who Luna was in Book/Film Five.

Harry: That makes sense. *shakes his hand*

Xenophilius: *leans in waaaay too damn close*

Harry: Oh great, another creepy pedophilic character invading my personal bubble.

Xenophilius: So yeah, unlike that tabloid of a newspaper that is the Daily Prophet, we who reject the system always support those who speak the truth. We liked Dumbledore a hell of a lot, and…well, I suppose you'll have to do in his absence.

Sign of the Title of the Movie: LOOK AT ME. DOODLE ME ON EVERY WRITABLE SURFACE YOU OWN FROM NOW UNTIL THE END OF TIME.

Harry: …Okay then!

Luna: Come, Daddy. Harry doesn't want to talk to us right now. He's just too polite to say so. *…What? You try topping that line!*

Xenophilius: Harry Potter.

Harry: Yeah?

Xenophilius: Oh, sorry, nothing, I'm just creepily whispering your name under my breath like I always do.

Harry: …Comforting!

Xenophilius: Yes, I thought so. *finally walks away*

Harry: … *shudders violently and walks over to another creepy old guy*

Elphias: *pressing champagne glass to forehead* Why did I even come here, I barely even know these people, I hate that just because I'm a member of the Order I have to attend every single little function…

iheartmwpp: Wha—Someone with a George Washington wig just walked by! *checks calendar* Damn it, still not the end of October yet…And even then I'm not getting it till Christmas anyway, why am I bothering to check…

Harry: Hey, old guy who wrote that obituary in the Daily Prophet and who is so important that we showed the article and your picture twice and who will never be heard of again after this scene!

Elphias: Mr. Potter! Aren't you supposed to be in disguise?

Harry: YEP!

Elphias: Awesome, awesome, please sit down.

Harry: So I'm basically milking you for background information about my dead headmaster, something I never once bothered to do for my dead parents or my dead godfather.

Elphias: Indeed, I was Albus's oldest friend. His brother Aberforth certainly never did him any favors, let me tell you.

Harry: Well I knew he had a brother in the books, since Dumbledore mentioned him when we were trying to talk some sense back into Hagrid during my fourth year, but in the films I am sadly ignorant.

Elphias: Yes, well, Albus was always rather private, even as a boy. Preferred to go off somewhere and read, that sort of thing. There was this kid from Durmstrang he hung out with from time to time, but I don't think that friendship lasted very long, really.

Muriel: Hello, everyone! I'm your stereotypical old gossip bitch! You know, one of those people who has to know absolutely everything about everyone and never minds my own business? Wow, I must have so little going on in my own life if I'm this desperate to stick my nose into everyone else's! If only wizards had reality television…

Movie watchers: …Who the fuck is she?

Book readers: No one important, don't worry about it. *paying far more attention to what's happening in the background than to this annoying bitchface* OMAGOD TONKS TOTALLY HAS A HAND ON HER STOMACH WHEN SHE AND REMUS ARE TALKING TO MOLLY.

Muriel: So yeah, Rita Skeeter is awesome and I love reading her trash and take everything she writes as gospel. She just wrote eight hundred pages about Dumbledore, only about fifty of which are probably completely accurate, the rest is bullshitting at its finest.

Elphias: I am looking at you in vague dislike.

Harry: My expression is rather anxious.

Muriel: Rita got to interview someone, probably under the influence of Veritaserum, which is most likely illegal but since everyone wants to find out about the godlike being actually being human she's probably not going to be punished for it. And since all old people evidently know each other, we totally know who done it, don't we, Elphias?

Elphias: Even though Rita specifically said that she used Veritaserum, I'm going to say that it's still the victim's fault. She should've known better than to be forcibly fed drugs like that and have her words twisted until the whole situation spirals out of her control. What a charming person I am.

Muriel: This is my pouty face.

Fred: I am talking with someone who isn't Angelina in the background. Don't you wish you were at my table instead?

Ginny: Sod him, I'm at the table right next to Aunty Muriel, and yet the boyfriend who did not in fact dump me for my protection would rather talk to a shriveled old harpy than to me. Lovely bloke, isn't he.

Harry: I am confused as to the nature of this conversation.

Muriel: Bathilda Bagshot, I say…OMINOUSLY, even though it was all over the Prophet, which if you bothered to read it we wouldn't've had to have half of this conversation.

Harry: …Who?

Muriel: Merlin's mutated pig carcasses, boy, how could you not know about magical historians when most Muggles don't even know most Muggle historians?!

Audience: I WANNA HEAR WHAT THE LUPINS ARE TALKING ABOUT.

Harry: You really expect me to know that? This version of Hogwarts doesn't even have a History of Magic class, and if it did Hermione's the only one who bothered to pay attention anyway!

Muriel: She wrote your goddamn textbook, boy, did you even read it?!

Harry: Yes, because I'm supposed to memorize the name of the author as well as all the tripe inside the book that I forgot the instant the exams were over.

Muriel: Well anyway, Bathilda was really close to the Dumbledores and stuff.

Elphias: EPIC POUTING MANEUVER.

Muriel: And in order to gather information, real or otherwise, I suppose it probably made sense for Rita Skeeter to stop by Godric's Hollow to extort any kind of information she could using any method available to her.

Harry: Your namedropping of Godric's Hollow is the real reason that we're having this conversation, isn't it.

Muriel: And Dumbledore lived there too.

Harry: …Wait, Dumbledore lived at Godric's Hollow?

Muriel: The family moved there after his father killed those three Muggles who may or may not have gang raped Dumbledore's sister.

Harry: Jesus this series is dark.

Muriel: Honestly, my boy, are you sure you really knew the man who sent you to live with your abusive relatives, threw you into a trophy case, and did whatever he could to send you into mortal peril every chance he got?

Harry: …Your hat sucks.

Patronus: WHEEEEEEEEEE!

Harry: Oh perfect timing, I'd do anything to end this conversa…That doesn't look good…

Patronus: *goes through the tent and lands in the center of the dance floor*

Book readers: …But that's just a floating misty bluish ball thing, what happened to the lynx? For that matter, what happened to dress robes, most of them are wearing fancy Muggle suits or something, there's nothing remotely wizard-like about most of these guys' outfits.

Kingsley's Patronus: Please don't question why my Patronus is producing weird screaming running dying faces and things, just know that Scrimgeour just died, the Ministry's been taken over, and they're probably going to slaughter you all at any minute.

Harry: …Well this blows.

Molly: The hell is this thing on my head—Oh that's my hair, okay. The hell is wrong with my hair.

Kingsley's Patronus: …They're still gonna come, you might want to flee in panicked hordes right about now. *fades*

Hermione: Well this was fun. We should probably go now.

Fleur: Must cuddle with new husband in fear instead of Apparating for our lives.

Elphias: The way I'm one of the first to leave and give a cryptic message that it was nice to meet the main character would probably insinuate that I'm the villain in any other piece of media. *Disapparates*

Death Eater: Hey look, a convenient torch-like area thing to light on fire! *lights up whatever those ball shapes made from rolled up pieces of fabric on the tent poles were supposed to be*

Molly: As the marrying off of my first baby is destroyed…Ah well, got six more to go through, maybe one of them'll actually go according to plan…

Random guy: And I just got Stunned. Ow.

Death Eater: Nope, that was green and you are dead.

Random guy: Oh. Well crap.

Hermione: Gotta grab the guys and get out, gotta grab the guys and get out…

Tonks: I am totally kicking all kinds of ass in the background.

Ron: Get out of my way, I need to get to the woman of my dreams! *clings to Hermione*

Harry: THE WOMAN OF MY DREAMS IS IN DANGER. I MUST GO AND HELP HER, FOR SHE IS ONLY A WOMAN AND THEREFORE CANNOT POSSIBLY LOOK AFTER HERSELF.

Remus: *grabs him* Harry, look, Bill's fighting right next to her, she'll be fine!

Harry: But—

Remus: But nothing! You have to get out of here!

Harry: I can't—

Remus: GO! *shoves him toward Ron and Hermione*

Hermione: 'Bout damn time, let's ditch this place.

Ron: But…But I never got to say good-bye—

Hermione: Tough. *Disapparates with them in tow*

~And that's the last we'll see of most of the supporting cast for some time. Which suuuucks.~

Review or you'll have to put up with Muriel for an entire party.


	5. Teh IS EVERYONE IN THIS BOOK/MOVIE A FUCKING DUMBASS?!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Mary Poppins, Star Wars, Skyrim, Smodcast, or Film Brain.

~Wouldn't it be hysterical if they all got killed by that bus?~

Apparating Trio of We Really Need To Learn How To Aim: *Apparate in the middle of a road*

Bus: RAMMING SPEED!

Disoriented Trio of Oh Balls: *quickly moves out of the way*

Random Londoners strolling by on the sidewalk: It's a good thing we're so absorbed by our own lives that we don't notice the three random teenagers suddenly appearing in the middle of the street like that.

Light-up billboards or whatever: This movie has been sponsored by Samsung.

Hermione: …Okay, then. Come on, guys, we've got to move. It's a good thing we're just dressed like Muggles going out to a fancy party or opera or something and not wearing robes of any kind, we might've stood out or something.

Giant bear mascot: I am advertizing some kind of sightseeing tour that leaves in fifteen minutes. I'm sure this kind of thing happens all the time in big cities.

Ron: Muggles are weird…

Hermione: Just keep moving, avoid eye contact with the crazies…

Random people: WE ARE MOVING.

Ron: Where the fuck are we and what's with all the flashing lights, I'm getting a headache.

Hermione: We're in Shaftesbury Avenue, which is actually Piccadilly Circus, and this is like the second time in the history of ever that it's closed down so we can make our thirty second shot or whatever. I used to come to the theatre here with Mum and Dad. *looks up* Oh look, there's Mum and Dad going to the theatre.

Harry: Hey yeah, do we even know about what you did to your parents in this version?

Hermione: Bugger if I know.

Ron: Ooooh, two for five pounds! What's the exchange rate?

Harry: Focus, mate.

Ron: Aww, I want a stupid t-shirt!

Harry: No. No stupid t-shirt for you.

Ron: Damn it.

~And then they go into a dark alley in the middle of a crowded city. Nothing bad ever stereotypically happens in places like that.~

Hermione: We need to change.

Ron: You don't have to, you should stay the same wonderful person you've always been.

Hermione: Honestly, Ron, flattery will get you…everywhere. *winks at him and holds out that bloody beaded bag of hers* Help me with this, would you? *sticks her entire arm into the bag and pulls out a jumper for Ron. Insert obligatory Mary Poppins reference here*

Ron: …Dafuq.

Hermione: Undetectable Extension Charm.

Ron: No, I figured it'd be something like that, I'm just wondering why I'm so surprised since I usually take things in stride and it's usually Harry who stares around stupidly at the consistently magical things around him.

Harry: Fuck you, man.

Ron: Shut up, I'm trying to compliment the woman I love. You're amazing, you are.

Hermione: *smirks* Always the tone of surprise.

Harry: Oh get a Chamber of Secrets, you two.

Thudding noise: *is heard*

Hermione: …Shit. Books fell over.

Ron: Well that was predictable.

AllSolsDay: What was up with that, did they all change in front of each other or something? Wouldn't Ron be, like, ten shades of red?

~Why didn't they stick to random Muggle areas like this, Hermione and Harry would've been fine and Ron would've gotten a crash course in Muggle Studies, while avoiding people who wouldn't be caught dead in Muggle areas!~

Tea…thing…: I AM STEAMING.

Harry: So…We kind of left a lot of people behind to die horribly…

Ron: Don't even think about it. As worried as I am about my family, you're still the primary target. If we go back now, they'll take you and slaughter the rest of us. If we stay away, they might be tortured for information but there's still an extremely slim chance they'll be let go.

Harry: Right, that doesn't make me feel guilty at all.

Ron: I'm there for you, mate.

Hermione: What he said.

Waitress: I am coming up to you without bothering to pause my iPod or turn the music down in any way, and am only talking in one-word sentences. I AM THE MOST PROFESSIONAL PERSON IN THE WORLD AND CLEARLY LOVE MY JOB. Also we totally had MP3 players like this in 1997; even if it’s a CD player, NO ONE had earbuds like these, what the balls.

Hermione: …I guess I'll have a cappuccino then?

Waitress: Cool. The boyfriend?

Ron: …I don't even know what language that was in, but I'll have what she's having.

Harry: Yeah, same, whatever. *glancing around* Wow, it's really lucky we're the only ones in here, you'd think dining establishments would be crowded as fuck around nowish.

Waitress: M'kay. *walks off*

Audience: *glancing around desperately* Awww, we can't see the poster advertising Equus! No fair!

Ron: So where do we go from here? Do we keep hanging around random Muggle places so we're less likely to be caught, or do we insist on hanging around obviously magical locations like the Leaky Cauldron and stuff?

Hermione: Yeah, probably not a good idea to hang around obviously public magical places like that. If Voldemort really has taken over the Ministry then we're all kind of boned. Everyone who survived the wedding'll go into hiding as best they can, probably overusing the Fidelius Charm like whoa, though as that doesn't exist in this version then I guess we're all even more fucked.

Harry: Aaaaand in the rush to save our lives I left all my shit except presumably my wand at the Burrow. We might need the Cloak if not the Map…and I probably shouldn't've written all that speculation about the Horcruxes in an easily accessible notebook.

Hermione: Yes, that was exceedingly stupid of you. Thankfully I went into your and Ron's room without your permission and stole all your clothes and underwear and things, you can thank me later.

"Workers": Don't mind us, we're just wearing eerily convincing Muggle workman clothes. Gee, it's almost as if we wear Muggle clothing like this all the time!

Hermione: *looks up at the "workers" when they walk in, apparently not recognizing them from the wanted posters even though she memorizes everything that ever happens around her ever*

Harry: *fiddling with bag* I don't know whether to feel violated by this extraordinary breech of privacy or whether to be grateful to you for thinking ahead like that.

Hermione: I've conveniently had all the essentials packed for days. Except for food of course, that's not at all vital to maintaining our current existence or making us work better.

Harry: …Hang on a tick…

Dolohov: OBSERVE HOW I AM OBVIOUSLY DRAWING MY WAND AND NOT BEING SNEAKY ABOUT IT WHATSOEVER.

Ron: These jeans are really tight, I don't think they fit me anymore…You did that deliberately, didn't you. *smirks*

Hermione: *giggles and blushes*

Harry: DUCK! *gets down*

Ron and Hermione: WHERE?

Harry: I MEANT GET DOWN!

Ron and Hermione: Ohhh. *get down*

Dolohov and Rowle: Zap.

Tables: *cry out in terror and were suddenly silenced*

Ron: OW, just hit my head on the wall, oww…

Harry: *gets back up* Stupefy!

Rowle: Damn it, that actually canonically knocked me out, what the fuck…

Dolohov: *ducks behind the counter*

Waitress: *singing to herself while listening to cranked-up iPod* Huzrah nu, kul do od/Wah aan bok lingrah vod/Ahrk fin tey, baziik fun/Do fin gein…

Dolohov: Expulso!

Harry: Shit! *gets back down* Why are all these spells generically blowing things up?!

Hermione: This is the top of my head. FEAR IT.

Dolohov: OH GOD I AM SO AFEARED. *ducks behind counter again—Wait…Bananas? Carrots? Vegetables?! WHAT KIND OF FICTITIOUS DIMENSION IS THIS DINER LOCATED IN*

Ron: Why do I feel like I'm in some king of third person shooter game?

EA Games: Hmmm…

Ron: W-Wait, don't, forget I said anything—

EA Games: WE'RE GONNA MAKE THE NEXT TWO GAMES REVOLVE ENTIRELY AROUND MAKING THEM THIRD PERSON SHOOTERS WITH NO EXPLORATION OR DEVIATION! THE KIDS LOVE THAT KIND OF CRAP!

Hardly anyone: *buys the game, except maybe to review it or for the sake of owning everything with the Harry Potter name on it or something*

Dolohov: I AM NOW STANDING.

Ron: I THROW A NONVERBAL SPELL AT YOU, SIR!

Hermione: I WILL THROW A NONVERBAL SPELL AT THE SAME TIME!

Food: *explodes*

Dolohov: HOW THE FUCK DID THEY MISS. Not that I'm complaining, but…

Ron: Then why did you just complain?

Dolohov: SHUT UP! NONVERBAL SPELL AT THE GIRL.

Hermione: VERBAL SPELL AT YO FACE, BITCH! Petrificus totalus!

Dolohov: Huh, didn't know spells worked through glass, even if they do make the glass explode. *collapses*

Harry: Nice shootin'.

Waitress: *still singing as she comes back in* Nuz aan sul, fent alok/Fod fin vul—WHAT THE FUCK. Jesus, no more epic Skyrim soundtrack on full blast during working hours…

Hermione: Kindly get the fuck out.

Waitress: Fuck, working hours, what am I talking about, I am so fired… *runs away*

Harry: Well that went well. You two, lock the door and get the lights.

Ron and Hermione: DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. *do it anyway*

Ron: *clicks Deluminator*

Deluminator: I shall consume all the light on this pitiful planet. Except for the light on the counter, that can stay for some reason.

Hermione: Were the incantations for lowering curtains and things ever actually taught at Hogwarts, I wonder? Or is it just something you can kind of do once you come of age? *lowers blinds*

Harry: *kicks blond balding one* Can't believe the Stunning Spell actually worked like it was supposed to…Anyway, this one's name's Rowle. Don't ask me how I know that, but he may or may not have been on the Astronomy Tower the night Snape killed Dumbledore along with the Carrows, I don't know, it seemed kind of iffy about how many people besides Bellatrix and Greyback were actually there.

Ron: *glowering down at Dolohov* This is Dolohov. I recognize him from the wanted posters. As the guy who killed my uncles Gideon and Fabian, and as the guy who nearly slashed up Hermione in Book Five.

Hermione: Oh yeah, that guy.

Ron: Also he kills Lupin later.

Marauder fans: END HIM. NOW.

Dolohov: Please don't kill me.

Ron: We should kill this guy.

Dolohov: Son of a fuck nut.

Harry: If we kill them, they'll know we were here.

Ron: …As opposed to leaving them here unconscious like this, with the café destroyed?

Hermione: Ron, we're supposed to be the good guys! We can't stoop to their level!

Ron: Yes, but there's a nobility in stooping to their level!

Hermione: Wha…No there isn't!

Ron: Suppose he's the one who did Mad-Eye, even though it was totally The-Guy-Whose-Name-I'm-Not-Gonna-Say-Anymore-Since-That's-How-They-Track-People-From-Here-On-Out.

Harry: …Did Mad-Eye? Merlin's exploding blisters, there have got to be lemons that exist solely based on you saying that.

Ron: Not to mention that by killing them, we can prevent them from horribly murdering and torturing other people. Like Lupin, for example.

Marauder fans: WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! FINISH HIM OFF!

Harry: It's better if we wipe their memories instead. Hell, we should probably wipe their memories entirely so they'll forget they were evil or even wizards so they won't have any sort of motivation for killing or torturing anyone we know and love, but instead I just seem to be talking about their memories of them seeing us. So they'll just wake up Stunned and Petrified in the middle of a destroyed café, wonder what the hell happened, and if they manage to get the hexes off them they will then report back to their boss, who will question why they didn't kill you two and grab me, and then everyone will realize exactly what happened. IT'S FUCKING FOOLPROOF!

Ron: Why did we put you in charge. Know that I blame you if we find out Dolohov killed anyone later. Which we do. Have fun explaining this part of the war to your godson.

Harry: *pales* On second thought—

Ron: Too late, you've made your choice. Hermione? *nudges cut near her mouth with his finger*

Hermione: OW! What the fuck?! That stings!

Ron: I was just…You were bleeding, I just wanted to wipe it away a bit.

Hermione: …Oh. Thanks.

Ron: Don't mention it. Now would you mind Obliviating this guy so you can have a traumatic flashback of the time you erased your parents' memories? I'd do it myself, or Harry would, but since neither of us know what we're doing…

Hermione: Anything for you, my lovely!

Dolohov: I've been listening to all of this, and now I am watching this girl point a wand at me with the knowledge that she is going to erase I don't know how much of my memory. Once I forget and if I ever get out of here, the Dark Lord'll end up calling me at some point and I just know I'm in for a round of the Cruciatus for being outwitted by a Mudblood. And here I thought this was a kid's movie, not a fucking horror franchise.

Ron: Oh yeah? Watch Film Two again.

Dolohov: Touché.

Hermione: Forgeticus.

Dolohov: And now I forgot everything—HOLY SHIT BOY WHO LIVED.

Failing Trio of Fail: …Probably should've moved out of his line of vision before doing this…

~The fates of everyone in the United Kingdom rests on the shoulders of these three dumbass kids. Y'all are so fucking screwed.~

Harry: And now for the important plot point that will never be explained unless people watch a certain deleted scene, which to be fair you gotta give them credit for including it at some point unlike the entire plot of Film Three: How is it they knew we were there?

Hermione: Maybe you still have that one thing that was only brought up this year to close a few plot holes only to open up new ones and we'd never heard of it before and never will again?

Ron: Nope, I happen to know that the Trace breaks at seventeen, it's wizarding law, which was never fucked around with or manipulated in any way when it comes to Harry.

Hermione: *stops in her tracks* HOLY FUCK, YOU GUYS, I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING THAT COULD SPELL THE DEATH OF US ALL. THE APOCALYPSE HAS COME, THE WORLD IS ENDING, BURNT TOAST IS THE BEST THING EVER.

Harry and Ron: *panic* HOLY SHIT WHAT IS IT WHAT IS IT WHAT IS IT.

Hermione: WE FORGOT TO CELEBRATE HARRY'S BIRTHDAY.

Harry and Ron: …

Hermione: All that time Ginny and I, as we are females so we must be good at baking, put into making that cake, wasted! THIS IS THE WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN EVER.

Ron: She needs to sort out her priorities.

Harry: …It's okay, I'm used to not celebrating my birthday, we only celebrated Ron's once last year and we never celebrate yours, so I really don't see how this matters. Also fucking Death Eaters trying to murder us and everyone we love.

Hermione: Oh, right, forgot.

Harry: HOW COULD YOU FUCKING FORGET.

Hermione: We need comic relief somewhere in what would otherwise be nothing but tears and misery.

Ron: Right, I'm taking charge. We need to get off the streets and get somewhere safe.

Hermione: Good idea. Got any ideas?

Ron: Possibly…

~Wow, Ron's actually got…lines and good ideas and…a fucking role to play and stuff. I like this movie!~

Grimmauld Place: I NOW EXIST.

Harry: Good thinking, nearly forgot about this place.

Book readers: AND EXACTLY HOW DO YOU PROVE THAT'S SAFE AND THAT NO ONE CAN GET IN WITHOUT ONCE MENTIONING THE FUCKING FIDELIUS CHARM?!

iheartmwpp: Even if they did mention it, they'd have to mention the ass-pull that is everyone suddenly becoming a Secret Keeper once the original dies, even though up till the book came out, JKR insisted that the secret dies with the Secret Keeper in EVERY FAQ EVER. And she never really utilized this anyway, Voldemort would've known about that and insisted that Snape bring a bunch of Death Eaters there to trash the place and make sure that no one ever got in there again, especially if they thought Harry, Ron and Hermione were there! WHICH THEY DID. THE ENTIRE THING MAKES NO SENSE AND IS COMPLETELY CONTRADICTORY TO ESTABLISHED CANON. Oh wait, I'm complaining about the book, this is the film that includes none of this anyway.

Lonely Trio of Solitude: *creep in through the front door*

Ron: *shuts the door behind him*

Lights: *come on*

Harry: …I do not recall the door having that kind of magical power.

Hermione: Well maybe sometimes Order members would come in at odd hours of the night, especially if they were fruitlessly and pointlessly guarding the prophecy, so Sirius installed this little feature so they wouldn't be stumbling around blindly.

Ron: You mean like Tonks would anyway?

McGonagall: BOOM.

Old Dusty: I am on the floor.

Harry: Hey, what's that pile of dust on the floor doing?

Old Dusty: And now I am rising into a swirling column of dust.

Ron: …And what did Sirius install this for?

Hermione: I don't know! Might not've been him this time, considering he's been dead for two films—

Harry: Yes, thank you, Hermione.

Dumbledore: CAMEO!

Harry and Ron: Oh for fuck's sake.

Hermione: I AM A FEMALE AND THEREFORE THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO SHOW FEAR OF ANY KIND BY SHRIEKING.

Old Dusty: Aaand apparently that caused me to break apart and fall back to the floor.

Movie watchers: …What was the point of that?

Book readers: We're not sure either, to be honest, since it never even worked.

Spooked Trio of Should Really Be Choking To Death From All That Dust: …ALL RIGHTY THEN.

Ron: …So…?

Hermione: I blame Mad-Eye. He probably put that there in case Snape felt like popping by in order to steal anything Sirius had of Harry's mother or to actually get Death Eaters in here to ransack the place and look for any scrap of information possible, or else to set up a trap to kidnap anyone who still thought this place was safe.

Ron: …Well then Mad-Eye's an idiot, because that did nothing. It didn't even work on Snape when he did come.

Harry: Also you seem to be under the impression that the Death Eaters actually possess intelligence of any kind.

Hermione: Right, right, my bad, sorry.

LOUD NOISE!: *is heard*

Harry and Ron: …Uh…

Hermione: Homenum revelio.

Nothing: *happens, as it doesn't apply to house-elves*

Hermione: *saying as the camera slowly pans away from them, showing them alone in the hallway* We're alone.

Film Brain: SYMBOLISM!)*&$#)(!WAKAWAKAWAKA!111!

~…This movie's so quiet, I felt as lonely and isolated as they did. This movie's good, what even is that, I'm not used to this.~

Review or all of your diners will sell vegetables.


	6. Teh DOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBYDOBBY

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, Jimmy Neutron, Nullmetal Alchemist, Für Elise, or Dobby.

~And as the screen slowly fades to black—HOLY SHIT BRIGHT LIGHT GAAAH MY EYES MY EYES THE GOGGLES THEY DO NOTHING.~

Ollivander: Look, I have no idea what I'm doing, just leave me alone.

Voldemort: I am having a flashback of that one time Lucius's wand blew up. Which happened like ten minutes ago and I'm sure everyone just forgot about it entirely.

Ollivander: None of this wand shit makes any fucking sense, no one can figure out how to do it.

Voldemort: I am reaching out to strangle you…Why do I always look like I'm about to eat someone's face off, that's that filthy half-breed's job.

Wormtail: I have no idea what I'm doing here, do I stalk the Dark Lord everywhere or something, what the hell?

Voldemort: I be all up in yo face, bitch.

Ollivander: Dude. Toothpaste.

Voldemort: I'm British, I don't know what that is.

Ollivander: Look, I thought a different wand wouldn't cause priori incantatem, but unfortunately it looks like that's how people duel nowadays, especially in Film Five and the second Lego game, so I don't know what to tell you. Also I would like some air, please.

Voldemort: M'kay. *breathes in his face*

Ollivander: That is not what I meant.

Voldemort: EPIC POUTING MANEUVER.

Harry: *opens his eyes* …Dude's seriously starting to get a little weird.

Ron and Hermione's attempt at hand-holding while asleep: *is reminding me of Remus and Tonks in the second half, and now I'm tearing up. Thanks, movie!*

Harry: Huh, wonder where and how Ron got that radio thing…HOLY SHIT LOUD NOISE WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT. *sits up* Huh, this is a cool little area in Grimmauld Place, it's nice that we get to actually see part of the rest of the house, and it definitely makes more sense for a prominent pureblood family that's supposed to be all cultured and shit to have a piano, unlike the Shrieking Shack, I still do not get that at all…I AM NOW GOING UPSTAIRS WITH MY WAND LIT. I'd complain about jump cuts again, but for some reason I don't really feel like it this time around. Probably because the changes from scene to scene aren't as jarring for the most part, since we're not skipping chapters of information with every cut. Or something.

Sirius: I wonder if I actually slept in my old room during Book Five, or if I attempted to sleep somewhere else to avoid the memories.

Harry: Iunno, but do you mind if I go in and have a look around?

Sirius: Sure, sure, just…just don't look under the board in the bottom of my desk drawer…I was going through a weird phase.

Harry: …Sure, I totally won't.

Sirius: Oh balls.

James: *cackles*

Harry: *opens door* Why is the camera all shaky behind me?

Book readers: Oi! Where's the Gryffindor paraphernalia apart from that one flag? And all the Muggle pictures of bikini-clad women? AND THAT ONE SINGLE SOLITARY PHOTOGRAPH OF THE MARAUDERS IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING SERIES?!

iheartmwpp: You gotta admit, though, that dragon mobile thingy is pretty badass. AS IS THE MOTORBIKE THING BY THE BED. THANK YOU FOR FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGING THAT SIRIUS ACTUALLY LIKED MOTORBIKES AND SHIT.

Harry: *is about to open the drawer but picks up a book in confusion* Why did Sirius have a random copy of History of Magic in his room? Is this really the only book he owned? I really can't see him paying much attention to Binns, so why are the filmmakers making him such a fan of the subject? Honestly, it would make way more sense for Hermione to pull her copy out of that bloody beaded bag of hers, she said that she brought a load of books!

Ron: Harry? Hermione, where are you even though I probably know that Hermione at least may or may not still be asleep on that couch thing? I think I might've actually done something useful that Kloves didn't automatically hand to Hermione for once!

Hermione: Huh, it's almost like this room was ransacked for some reason, but I'm sure that'll never be important to anything ever.

Ron: I meant the door to the room, morons, as I indicate it by almost slamming you with it.

Hermione: I love you too. "Regulus Arcturus Black."

Ron: Think he might be RAB?

Book readers: No, that'd be too freaking obvious and anyone would be able to get that—oh wait. -_-

Harry: Well that was easy, hopefully the rest of the year'll be like this.

~Oh great, more plot rehashing.~

Harry: "I know I'll be killed by hordes of zombies long before you read this, but I want you to know that, somehow, I discovered your secret. Whether that specific secret was about Horcruxes is anyone's guess, as my family seemed mostly kind of cool with crap like that aside from my idiot brother and loser cousin but they were burned off the tree so it's like they don't exist anyway. Probably I object to your half-blood existence or something. Instead of doing something reasonable like spreading the rumor amongst your mostly pureblood ranks and sowing unrest and distrust, IMMA WHOOP YOUR ASS, BITCH. And by whoop your ass I mean I'm gonna take this one Horcrux and try and fail to destroy it. Then I will give it to my house-elf, who will also try and fail to destroy it."

Ron: RAB's Sirius's brother?

Harry: …You just pointed that out to us not five seconds ago.

Hermione: And now we have to find out if he really did destroy the real thing so we won't have to. Hopefully that'll be easy as well. Maybe there's someone in the house right as we need the information that'll be able to help us out.

Ron: Oh what are the odds of that happening.

CLATTERING: *is clattering*

Harry: Okay, I've been hearing something like that the entire time we've been back here, and I say we find out what it is.

Hermione: I just pissed myself.

Ron: That's nice for you.

DOOR!: *is a door*

Hermione: OH MY GOD A DOOR.

Harry: Calm the fuck down, I got it. *opens door*

Kreacher: 'Sup.

Harry: Oh joy. *grabs Kreacher and drags him to the front of the kitchen*

Kreacher: Ow, that's Kreacher's ear! Kreacher needs that to listen with!

Harry: You've been spying on us for dear Mistress Narcissa, have you?

Kreacher: Kreacher wishes, but unfortunately Kreacher is now bound to Master Harry now and Master Harry never specifically ordered Kreacher to GTFO so that Kreacher could exploit a loophole.

Book readers: Hey yeah, the films never really point out that Harry owns Kreacher now. Or 12 Grimmauld Place either, for that matter.

Hermione: Aren't you glad SPEW ain't in this version?

EVERYONE EVER: Yes.

Hermione: Still, maybe he does know where the real locket is.

Harry: The hell gave you that idea?

Hermione: Dunno, but he was Regulus's house-elf as well as Sirius's, he might know something.

Harry: Good point, I guess. *grabs fake locket and holds it in front of Kreacher* You seen anything like this before?

Kreacher: Kreacher doesn't wanna talk about it.

Harry: Too bad, bitch, cough up.

Kreacher: Fine, fine, it's Master Regulus's locket. And Kreacher is very displeased by the distinct lack of Master Regulus's backstory. One would think that the filmmakers would actually include some plot-relevant details and not cut anything important out since they now have the time, but Kreacher expected too much from them.

Harry: But there were two of them, weren't there? Do you have any idea where the other one is, we kind of need it.

Kreacher: Kreacher has a weird way of saying things and puts emphasis on weird words in the middle of sentences. Also no.

Hermione: But did you at least see it? Was it in this house considering Regulus probably brought both home at one point?

Kreacher: Kreacher will greatly enjoy pissing on the filthy Mudblood's grave once the Death Eaters are finished with it.

Ron: I wanna bash him with a frying pan.

Hermione: Ron, stop, you really don't look like you're putting much force behind that swing.

Ron: Hey, at least someone tried to use it as a weapon.

Kreacher: Weasley is a blood traitor.

Ron: Yeah? Your point?

Harry: *steps forward, still holding up the locket like he wants Kreacher to jump up and paw at it like a cat* Answer the damn question.

Kreacher: Kreacher's point was that Weasley should be proud of his pureblood heritage and dump that Mudblood—

Harry: No, the question about the locket.

Kreacher: Kreacher looks way more realistic in this film, and a bit more realistic than Dobby. It's probably the small eyes, Kreacher somehow looks more human with them. Also the CG is better and stuff. But yeah, the other locket was in this house. It was teh evulz.

Harry: Wait, Horcruxes are evil?! I never would've guessed! You must explain this concept to me posthaste!

Kreacher: *backs up onto the stairs* Before Master Regulus died horribly in a naked zombie apocalypse he ordered Kreacher to destroy the locket but even house-elf magic couldn't kick that thing's ass so eventually Kreacher gave up. *starts banging his head against the stairs*

Harry: You said it was in this house. Where is it now? Shit, you didn't give it to Narcissa, did you?

Kreacher: No, it was stolen in the night. He took a shitload of things, including the locket, and some sort of mirror, but that's not important right now. Also this happened last year, do keep up.

Harry: You just used a pronoun. That isn't like you, so just tell me who he was.

Kreacher: Uh…Mundungus. *licks lips* Mundungus Fletcher.

Harry: Bring his ass here. Really can't imagine why you didn't do that in the first place.

Kreacher: Master Harry had Kreacher work in the kitchens at Hogwarts, Kreacher didn't know.

Harry: Wha—no I didn't!

Kreacher: Whatever. *Disapparates*

~Hey look, a random patch of British countryside that the Camping Trio of This Is Gonna Suck will probably soon be camping on.~

TRAIN!: *exists*

Neville and Ginny: Again with the dining cars.

Ginny: D'you know what I hate about trains?

Neville: I've no idea.

Ginny: Well just for your sake, I'll explain.

Neville: Hooray.

Ginny: Basically it's like shitting out a hedgehog.

Neville: Yeah, I…Sorry, what?!

Ginny: Sure it's worth the effort, but you end up with a sore ass.

Neville: Um…

Ginny: And it's like, how did it even get up…What? Is it those Death Eaters again?

Neville: Yeah.

Ginny: Ugh, bloody bastards.

Death Eaters: Excuse me while we fly—I mean Apparate around the train.

Imma go with Rodolphus: I dramatically raise my hand at you, sir!

TRAIN!: *shits itself*

Daily Prophet: Vampire Admitted to Casualty after Garlic Bread Overdose.

iheartmwpp: I am not even kidding.

Audience: The hell is that kid sitting next to Seamus…Wait…Nigel?!

Rodolphus: I have no idea who the bald guy behind me is, ignore him.

Bald guy behind him: Yeah, we're hijacking this train. Go ahead and panic.

Cormac: My father will hear about this.

Rodolphus: With all his rather lovely connections at the Ministry, I'm willing to bet he's already heard about this. Isn't it nice to know he cares.

Cormac: … *gulps*

Book readers: Hang on…He was a seventh year last year. Shouldn't he have graduated? What's he still doing there?

iheartmwpp: Leanne and Katie are also on the train, the hell…? I suppose Katie redoing the year makes sense, but no so much Leanne—Wait, where's Luna, she's not meant to be kidnapped till Christmas or whatever.

Neville: *stands up* Bitches, this is my year. You are all so totally fucked.

~…What's the betting the beatings started on the train ride.~

Harry Potter wanted posters: *magically float through the atrium onto a bench*

Daily Prophet: *gets posters manually added to them by some dude*

Harry Potter wanted posters: *are very clearly not moving in the slightest*

Audience: *is heavily confuzzled*

Thicknesse: So I'm your new puppet Minister. Have fun with that. And with this new statue.

Runcorn: I'm just here so you know that Potter turns into me later.

Yaxley: I think I'm the only one that's "officially" a Death Eater.

Umbridge: And I'm back as well!

Millions of theater screens across the world: *are suddenly slashed apart*

Thicknesse: I promise that this temple of tolerance shall once more be made intolerant of everyone but purebloods who are blood purists. Who dress like Muggles.

iheartmwpp: *was an English major who took several art classes, and was therefore trained to read way too much symbolism into everything when it's clearly not there* …I wanna comment on that suggestive-looking symbol of Magic is Might, but I shall refrain. Except for the one I just made.

Scabior: Hello, I'll be taking over for Greyback as the creepy rapey dude of the movie for some reason. *bows*

Reg Cattermole: I am also here to point out who Ron'll end up as.

Thicknesse: Pay no attention to how my right hand twitches when I talk. Starting today, each employee shall submit themselves for a thorough background check. Which, quite frankly, should've happened anyway so we make sure none of you are evil or corrupt, but right now that's exactly what we're looking for. Also purebloods. We like those most of all. But know this: You have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide. We find a trace of Muggle blood in you from nine generations back, you have something to hide. No pressure!

Bleeding guy: *is not looking that good. And is probably going to be sent to Azkaban for who his parents were. THIS WORLD IS AWESOME AND IN NO WAY A REFLECTION OF OURS*

Runcorn: I don't really know why I'm pouting like this.

Umbridge: Eh heh heh heh heh! Eh heh heh heh heh! Eh der der der der der!

iheartmwpp's father person: I just want to nail her head to a table.

~Wow, a couple of shops are still open in Diagon Alley, who knew.~

Random dude: How much for the illegal crap that we're haggling over in the middle of the street where anyone can see us instead of slipping into a dark alleyway of some kind?

Mundungus: Two Galleons. Come on, hurry up already.

Random dude: Fine, here, sheesh.

Some other guy: SNATCHERS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Snatcher: You'd think Thicknesse would've been more specific when he said that every single person in the British Wizarding World would be subjected to evaluation and it's our job to round up those who should be tossed into Azkaban because they exist instead of implying that it would only be those working under him.

Mundungus: Well I have absolutely no idea what my blood status is, but I do have a shitload of illegal goods that I probably don't want them to find out about. *starts to run away, constantly looking over his shoulder and being otherwise incredibly obvious that he has poor intentions*

A man: I am being pushed around by Snatchers, but they don't seem to actually be Snatching me, so life is good.

Harry Potter wanted poster: Hey, I'm actually moving slightly. Good for me.

Other Harry Potter wanted posters: And now you're not. And neither are we. HOORAY!

Mundungus: I am now heading into Diagon Alley—WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT.

~This is getting way too dark, I hate all this crap. Ron, distract me please.~

Ron: M'kay. *fails at playing Für Elise*

Hermione: I am prompting you to be a bit gentler as opposed to actually teaching you the proper keys.

Ron: That might be why I'm continuing to fail.

Hermione: Here. *pushes his hand away and plays the melody herself* If I can't teach you this then I'm a horrible teacher.

Ron: You're not a horrible teacher, I'm just too busy staring at your face and watching your expression as you play and I'm not even bothering to look at your hand.

Hermione: That would be so sweet if I was paying attention. Try it now.

Ron: …Hey, I actually got a few more notes right this time.

Hermione: YAY IMPROVEMENT.

Harry: I am staring at the Snitch because it is a Snitch.

Hermione: I shall now abandon Ron and go over and curl up by Harry.

Ron: *fantasizes about choking Harry to death with one of the piano wires* I'm beginning to think I have issues.

Harry: *catches Snitch* We have no more Quidditch and I am teh sad.

Hermione: They have flesh memories.

Harry: …They have what?

Hermione: When Scrimgeour first gave it to you, during that scene where this information should've been shared, I thought it would open at your touch.

Harry: That's what she said.

Hermione: Shut up. I don't get why it won't, nor to I know why it will take us till halfway through the film for one of us to remember what actually happened during your first Quidditch match. In any case, I was thinking that Dumbledore had hidden something extremely small inside it, though it doesn't look like it can hold anything larger than a ring.

Man who is decidedly not Lee/River: Many of you are wondering why Voldemort—shit, my house just blew up, we'll be right back after these messages.

Joey Richter: Red Vines. What the hell can't they do.

Noise: *is heard*

Harry: Merlin's eroding driveway, it's Remus, isn't it, I really don't want to have this argument… *runs upstairs with Hermione*

Ron: …Right, I'll just stay down here, shall I?

Man who is decidedly not Lee/River: Right, don't say He-Whose-Name-I-Probably-Shouldn't-Say-Anymore's name anymore, got it. Anyway, you may be wondering why that guy isn't outright taking over now that Dumbledore's dead. Well you'll either have to keep wondering or read the book, 'cause my scene's pretty much done.

Harry: OH THANK MERLIN, it's just Dung, with Kreacher on his leg…wait a minute…

Kreacher: *is actually on Dung's head*

Dobby: CAMEO!

Entire theater: DOBBY! *bursts into applause* OMG YAY!

Movie watchers: Where the hell has he been? And why do you all care, anyway, he was kind of annoying.

Book readers: WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ANYTHING.

Dobby: Harry Potter! Dobby hasn't seen you in, like, five movies!

Harry: It's great to see you too, Dobby!

Hermione: Why am I not thrilled, I like the guy! I think…It's hard to tell sometimes.

Mundungus: Get the fuck off me!

Kreacher: Kreacher wants to tear the bad man's skin off.

Dobby: Dobby just wants a hug!

Mundungus: *falls over, taking the elves with him*

Harry and Hermione: *are still looking at them as if they are upright*

Mundungus: *stands up and hits his head on a pot hanging from the ceiling. And that is the closest you will see to him getting hit with a frying pan*

Kreacher: *closes door* Kreacher was only too happy to return with the thief, Mundungus Fletcher. Also Kreacher picked up a knife somewhere, and is using it to great effect. Kreacher apologizes that they couldn't get this one rather simple thing right, but at least it's some kind of weapon type thing dude guy place.

Mundungus: *tries to draw wand*

Hermione: Expelliarmus!

Harry: Wait, I'm the Seeker, why am I ducking out of the way so Hermione can catch it?

Hermione: 'Cause I cast the spell.

Harry: That's kind of lame.

Hermione: It is you who is lame!

Mundungus: I am rightfully confuzzed as to why you'd send a couple house-elves after me.

Dobby: Dobby was only trying to help Harry Potter once again!

Harry: Funny how nostalgia makes that not as terrifying as it once might have been.

Kreacher: …Ohhhh, so Kreacher picks up the knife here, okay, Kreacher imagines that people would spend too much time staring at Dobby to notice anyway.

Dobby: *climbs on the table* Dobby saw Kreacher in Diagon Alley, and apparently we knew each other which is weird since Harry Potter never sent Dobby and Kreacher to stalk Master Draco in this version, or else Dobby and Kreacher might have met up at some Black family reunion or something, which would still be curious, as Dobby believes he is much younger than Kreacher.

Harry: You look a lot paler, you feeling okay or is it just the house's lighting?

Dobby: Oh Dobby is fine, sir, Harry Potter mustn't worry. But since Kreacher mentioned Harry Potter's name, Dobby jumped at the chance to see Harry Potter again!

Ron: I'm still in the movie.

Kreacher: *is also on the table at this point* I'm speaking in first person—

Dobby: Kreacher is a bad elf. *elbows him out of the way* So when Dobby saw Kreacher talking with the thief, Mundungus—

Mundungus: I ain't no thief! *goes to strangle him* You foul little…Shit, you three are still just kids in my eyes, I gotta watch my damn mouth around you little bastards.

Kreacher: Kreacher haz a knife.

Mundungus: I just steal or extort things from people and then sell them again at much higher prices, is all!

Ron: Which is kind of what a thief does.

Dobby: Master Weasley! Apparently Dobby became friendly-friends with Master Weasley offscreen or something!

Ron: Nice shoes, where'd you get those and what happened to your five million pairs of socks, the jumper I shrunk for you, and all of Hermione's hats and things?

Dobby: The filmmakers were too lazy to change Dobby's design, Dobby's lucky he got trainers at all.

Mundungus: I just knocked over a newspaper. And look, I'm pretty sure I'm not a Gryffindor. Not everyone is equipped for going into battle like that. I have my usefulness to the Order, but fighting's not one of them, so I ran. *sits down* I can't help it if Mad-Eye fell off his broom after he was hit by a Killing Curse!

Glaring Trio of Anger: We don't like you very much.

Kreacher: Kreacher wishes to poke him with the knife.

Harry: Just a little, we need him conscious.

Hermione: Tell the truth—

Harry: When you nicked all my godfather's shit—

Hermione: DON'T INTERRUPT ME.

Harry: Shut up, when you stole that shit, and we all know you did, did you happen to find a locket? We kind of need it.

Mundungus: Why? Was it valuable?

Kreacher: That line wasn't changed to be something stupid or funny. *stabs him through the knee*

Mundungus: OH DEAR GOD.

Hermione: So you still have it, I say a touch flatly?

Ron: He just asked if it was valuable, pay attention to tenses. He's just worried he didn't get enough money for it, is all. Trust me, my brothers know a lot about this kind of thing.

Mundungus: Unfortunately, in this case it doesn't matter if it just cost a Knut, I was forced to just hand it over. There I was, selling me shit in Diagon Alley, right in the middle of the street in broad daylight where everyone can see me—you can see how I'm very successful—when some Ministry bitch shows up and asks to see me license. I didn't even know you needed a license! Says she wanted to send me to Azkaban and everything.

Glowering Trio of We Are Not Amused: We remain unimpressed.

Dobby: Dobby's listening!

Mundungus: Thankfully, she liked the locket well enough that she let me go.

Harry: Can you put a name to a face?

Mundungus: No, but I can pick up her face and show it to you.

Harry: …I'm sorry, what?!

Mundungus: *picks up Daily Prophet* I thought you three were shut in at the moment, when did you find time to grab the paper? *sets it on table* So yeah. That bitch.

Umbridge: 'Sup.

Mafalda: Aaaand I am in the picture for the Mudblood. That is the only reason.

Harry: …Well this is gonna be a fucking joy, isn't it.

Ron: Can we kill anyone this time?

Harry: Maybe.

Ron: Here's an idea. Dobby or Kreacher can tail Umbridge without her noticing like they did with Malfoy in Book Six, wait till she's asleep, and take the locket then!

Hermione: Please, Ron, that's so stupid. I say we waste some of our precious Polyjuice Potion on an extremely convoluted plan that'll involve us getting separated and nearly found out, and will be a sheer miracle if we make it out okay.

Harry: Ron, no offense, normally I'd go with your plan, but we will be able to save a couple of souls with Hermione's method so my saving-people-thing's demanding we go with it.

Ron: Fair enough.

iheartmwpp: So…exactly what happened to Dobby after this scene? Was he chillin' with Kreacher, did he go back to Hogwarts, where'd he go? It was nice to see him again, obviously, but we need more context than this.

~For that matter…WTF happened to Dung? In both versions? Seriously…~

Review or Kreacher will stab you...Nah, that's not bad enough, er...OH! Review or Dobby won't visit you. Oh yes, I went there.


	7. Teh HERMAPHRADORPH

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical or Sequel, Chester A. Bum, Ren and Stimpy, Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, The Producers, To Boldly Flee, Code MENT, Doctor Who, A Bit of Fry and Laurie, The Avengers, Monty Python, Some Moron, Dracarot, oreo-and-proud, Assassin's Creed, Dragonball Z, Firefly, Suburban Knights, or Colin Mochrie.

~Okay, that was a bit of an abrupt cut. Suddenly I miss the Star Wars cross-fades or whatever.~

Ron: *peaking around a corner* This is actually really dangerous for me to be doing this, as I have no idea which ones are Muggles and which are wizards since they all dress exactly the same. But I guess I recognize Mafalda coming at me, so… *nods to Harry*

Harry: *closes door thing in wall thing…I don't even know what that is*

Ron: *runs back across the street*

Mafalda: I AM WALKING. And suddenly I'm on the same side of the street as this ginger kid, no idea why I felt I needed to do that.

Ron: Balls, my shoe's untied.

Harry: I'm glad Stunning is working properly again, as in it's making someone fall asleep as opposed to just blasting them backwards. Still wish it could've been red, though.

Mafalda: I ARE NOW ASLEEP.

Ron: Well that was fun. *stands up*

Harry: …Ron? Little help?

Ron: Huh? Oh, right, feet. Hopefully no one notices us knocking out this random woman and taking her into a secluded area, people might get strange ideas.

Audience: Okay, that guy on the crosswalk definitely should have noticed.

Hermione: I wonder how we knew about the other two since they cut out our month of planning. *takes Mafalda's hair and stands back up* Right, remember our very short, simple plan that isn't really a plan and is more of us charging in without any idea what we're doing, like true Gryffindors. Do not talk to anyone, we have our own voices again and someone's sure to spot the difference. *hands Ron and Harry little cup things* Just try and act normal, I know that's gonna be a huge struggle for you but just pay attention to what everyone else is doing and try to imitate them.

Harry: Yes, because that's worked so well the past six years.

Hermione: Shut up. If we work on blending in we might be able to get inside, and once that happens—

Harry: We essentially have no plan.

Hermione: Correct!

Harry: …We're about to strip three unconscious people and leave them alone in a random storage room in the middle of London. This is so fucked up.

Hermione's eyebrows making another brief cameo appearance: Yep.

Ron: The world's fucked up. Why are you two being so hesitant that I basically just turned into the leader?

Harry: 'Cause the films established that I'm a complete pussy, remember?

Ron: Ah, right. Anyway, let's strip these people and leave them unconscious and mostly naked in this little room thing. I'm sure there will be no negative consequences whatsoever once they wake up. After all, we've got a fetch quest to complete!

Harry: Hang on, I have a relevant question. Where exactly did we get all this Polyjuice in this version? Film Two should have established that it was a bitch to make.

Hermione: Shut up and drink your goblin piss.

~One awkward stripping and changing sequence in a small, cramped room later…~

Runcorn/Harry…Albert/Harry…Albuquerque: *sticks his head out the door* Coast is shockingly clear, let's go. *steps out*

Ron/Cattermole…Reg/Ron—Ren! That was easy: Not entirely sure this purse goes with my outfit…

Mafalda/Hermione…Jesus Christ…Mione? No…Herma…falda…Hermaphradorph, fuck it: Merlin's slowly changing leaves, I'm gonna hate these shoes. Also that's my purse, thank you.

Ren: R-Right, of course, I was just, uh, I was just holding it for you—

Albuquerque: Save it and let's go.

Disguised Trio of We Are Not Suspicious: *are standing incredibly close together in a way I'm pretty sure Reg Cattermole would not be standing near Albert Runcorn, but since these guys did like no research this time they know nothing*

Sign: *says Gentlemen*

Ren: …Somehow I don't think you can come in with us, Hermione.

Hermaphradorph: Huh? Oh, right, picked a girl this time, forgot.

Toilets: *make flushing noise and everyone takes a step forward*

iheartmwpp: British public restroom stall doors go down to the floor?! Lucky bastards…

Albuquerque and Ren: …Hopefully no Muggles come into this particular one, or they'd be weirded out.

British Colin Mochrie: *does velociraptor impression past them*

Ren: I got in before you!

Albuquerque: I'm sure you feel so special. *enters his own stall* Not sure if I'm supposed to lock this or not… *locks it anyway and stares around, confuzzled*

Ren: Hopefully no one notices me doing this—

Neighboring stall: Oh! Hello there, good sir! First time using the potty too, eh? Good luck my man!

Ren: …Right…Anyway, looks like we have to flush ourselves in. I mean, I've heard about people's jobs being in the shitter, but this is ridiculous!

Canned laughter: *is heard*

Albuquerque: Trying to stand in a toilet, here!

Ren: You sick little monkey!

Albuquerque: *stands in toilet* Ewewewewewewewewewewwww…

Some other guy: *knocks on stall door* Get a move on, I won't have enough time to be covered in piss for my next meeting!

Ren: *noticeably flushes himself before Albuquerque*

Albuquerque: *finally pulls the chain…Do y'all seriously have chain flushes over there? I've never seen one*

~What if some sick Muggle tried that? What would happen to him? Hell, where does the shit and piss go? The fireplaces must smell terrible.~

Albuquerque: *comes through the Floo first*

Ren: *comes through like five seconds later*

Audience: Wait, Ron flushed himself in before Harry, how did he manage to get there second?

Albuquerque: *doesn't bother to wait for Ren to catch up even though they were told to stick together*

Ren: What a nice guy.

Guards: *are everywhere…dressed similarly to Muggle policemen*

Ministry workers: One third of us have slightly convincing robes and looked magical and whimsical and everything. One third are dressed like Muggles. The last third…Badass longcoats, badass though they may be, do not magical and whimsical make. Thus, we still look like fucking Muggles.

Albuquerque: Please don't notice me, please don't notice me…

Guards: You!

Albuquerque: Oh fuck all kinds of duck.

Guards: Not you, some random guy behind you.

Random guy behind him: What? What'd I do?

Guards: You're dressed like a Muggle.

Random guy behind him: So are you!

Guards: Ah, but your Muggle attire might not be considered work-appropriate.

Albuquerque: Well that was pleasant…Huh, they changed the fountain—AAH! Hermione, you weren't anywhere in the last shot, did you actually get to Apparate in?

Hermaphradorph: Nope, had to flush myself in. And the person before me apparently forgot that you're really not supposed to flush tampons…

Albuquerque: That's lovely, now what's with the statue?

Hermaphradorph: My voice implies that I should be more pissed off than Sophie Thompson looks. Anyway, they're Muggles, in their perceived rightful place.

Albuquerque: How can you tell they're Muggles, though? They're dressed exactly the same as most of the wizards.

Hermaphradorph: Least they're not naked this time, I know a lot of people who would've had a major problem with that, especially since the statue in the book involved naked children.

Albuquerque: No kidding.

Ren: There you two are! Don't do that again, you fucking pricks! Also I'm scared out of my mind.

Albuquerque: …Wait, how long is this particular batch of Polyjuice supposed to last?

Hermaphradorph: Fuck if I know.

Albuquerque: Brilliant.

Book readers: Pretty sure Polyjuice only lasts an hour each time…eh, whatever.

~Hey look, a guy in something resembling robes with a bigass beard. Good thing some people still look magical.~

Albuquerque: Quick, into the regular, non-magical elevator.

Hermaphradorph: We're British, it's called a lift.

Albuquerque: That's spectacular, I don't give a fuck.

Yaxley: Cattermole. *blocks lift gate thing, stares at Ren* It's still raining inside my office, and I'm such an inept wizard that I need you to take care of it for me.

Ren: …Have you tried an umbrella?

Yaxley: Yes.

Ren: Oh.

Yaxley: Also you might want to do this favor for me, as I'm going down to Level Nine to interrogate your wife about her blood status, as apparently the new Head of the Department of Magical Law enforcement. I'm implying that I'll let her off easy if you don't fuck this job up or give me any lip for it, but we both know I'm gonna make you bend over backwards and then rip your last hope away from you for the lulz because that is how I role. YOU HAVE ONE HOUR. *walks away*

Book readers: Why Yaxley be quoting Voldy?

Lift gate thing: *shuts*

Lift thing: *moves backwards. SEE? IT'S TOTALLY DIFFERENT*

Ren: Shit, shit, shit, what the fuck am I gonna do? How am I gonna be able to do this complex bit of magic that I've never encountered before in my life? And I'm supposed to do all this in less than an hour and then hopefully be able to get down in time to save my wife! She's all alone right now without any moral support!

Albuquerque: Ron, you don't have a wife.

Ren: This guy's wife sounds like she's Muggle-born. I'm in love with a Muggle-born. Had this taken place even a few years from now, this could be my actual life. So SHUT UP.

Albuquerque: Wow, that's…Wow, that is a really good point, I'm sorry.

Ren: So how the fuck am I supposed to stop it from raining?

Hermaphradorph: Try finite incantatem.

Ren: Oh that's your answer for everything.

Female voice: Yep, still here announcing what floor holds which department. HOORAY!

Hermaphradorph: Good thing he told us his job, or we'd have no idea which office is his.

Albuquerque: Get out and do it already, we're wasting enough time as it is. *pushes Ron out of the lift*

Ren: Right. So what happens if finite incantatem doesn't work?

Hermaphradorph: Fuck if I know.

Ren: As always, you've been a huge help.

Albuquerque and Hermaphradorph: WHEEEEEEE!

Ren: Those two get to have all the fun.

Two random hunched over guys walking across the screen for no reason: We have no idea what we're doing.

Female voice: I don't think we've ever been up to Level One. My, this is exciting except not because this is the place where the highest of the higher-ups all hang out and they all suck thestral balls.

Albuquerque: Let's make plans to get the fuck out of here if necessary, we'll try again some other time because we apparently have loads of Polyjuice Potion stored away somewhere, which we totally did in the book but if it's not shown onscreen then we're just pulling shit out of our asses.

Hermaphradorph: Hey, we took like a month to plan, I totally could've made some in that time.

Albuquerque: Yeah, but the audience doesn't know how long we took to do this, and where would we have gotten the ingredients anyway?

Hermaphradorph: Stop pointing out logic flaws and focus on finding Umbridge.

Lift gate thing: *opens*

Umbridge: TIMING!

Albuquerque and Hermaphradorph: …OKAY THEN.

Umbridge: Ah, Mafalda. Travers sent you, did he?

Hermaphradorph: …Was that a direct line from the book?

Umbridge: I do believe it was. Splendid, isn't it? *gets into the lift* Albert, aren't you getting out?

Albuquerque: … *slowly walks out*

Umbridge: Hmm. He seems a tad constipated. Also I am so Satanic that I don't even need to hold onto the lift thingies. FEAR MY INHUMAN POWERS OF STANDING UPRIGHT IN A RICKETY ELEVATOR THING.

Albuquerque: Leaving the Muggle-born alone with the bigot. What could possibly go wrong.

Hermaphradorph: …Help…me…

Albuquerque: Okay, bye! Have fun! *starts walking around; the way he's doing so makes Harry seem even more pathetic than usual* Where the fuck's the bathroom in this place.

Poor bastards being forced to put together propaganda pamphlets: *singing to themselves* Unhappy, unhappy/Veeeery unhappy/Unhappy, unhappy/Very very very very very very VERY unhappy!

Pamphlet: Mudbloods and the Dangers They Pose to a Perfect Pureblood Society.

iheartmwpp: Still trying not to comment on that M symbol…Once seen it cannot be unseen…Also the inside probably reads: "They grew up with electricity and we have to take the time to explain to them how magic works. LET'S BLOW THE FUCK OUT OF 'EM."

Albuquerque: This is why most people don't want desk jobs.

Thicknesse: Yo. *runs past with a bunch of people in actual robes trailing after him, that's a nice change*

Albuquerque: …I don't think I like the guy I changed into very much—Oh, found her office, awesome…That's Mad-Eye's mad eye, isn't it. Jesus Christ, I think I'm gonna be sick…Head of the Muggle-born Registration Commission? Surprised they didn't just go ahead and say Mudblood Registration Commission, it's what everyone probably calls it anyway in this place. And I will now drop a thingy that, once again, looks like I pulled it right out of my ass.

Decoy Detonators: *can reproduce asexually, apparently*

Audience: AWESOME! I WANT ONE!

Lego game players: If you get Years 5-7 and play as the twins, those things are their "pets." They don't really do much but they are fun as shit.

Decoy Detonators: *burst into song* I'm a distractiooooon/Of pure satisfactiooooon/Keep your eyes all on me/For what you're gonna see/Will redefine the height of attractioooooon…

Poor bastards being forced to put together propaganda pamphlets: THANK YOU FOR THIS WELCOME DISTRACTION. *start running and screaming everywhere more for the hell of it than in actual fear*

Decoy Detonators: I'm a distractiooooooon/And I'm ready for actioooooon/So the world's gonna blow/Stop complaining and go to the shoooooow!

Albuquerque: *slips into Umbridges office* Merlin's purple people eater, not more cat plates. Hopefully none of them tell on me this time. Least it's black and gold instead of pink. Accio locket!

Locket: *totally doesn't come*

Albuquerque: Damn it, why does Accio never fucking work anymore? Sigh, now what…Why are there two extra pairs of little girl shoes. Whatever, time to ransack her desk. That is a cup of tea. And I'm on a wanted poster…My picture isn't moving, what's up with that. *opens drawer* I should probably fuck with some of these documents while I'm here but I choose not to. *opens different drawer* When Muggles Attack? Mudbloods and How to Spot Them? Surprised they weren't on our reading list two years ago. *opens one more drawer* Oooh, paperwork, more crap to ignore…wait…Mr. Weasley? Shit, he's being tracked, that's not good…And they know Mad-Eye's dead, well of course they do, his eye's on her fucking door, she must be a Death Eater at this rate…Fuck, Hermione's being tracked too, where'd they get that picture of her anyway…

Sirius: CAMEO!

Albuquerque: Oh God, I'm gonna cry!

Michael Gambon: ANOTHER CAMEO!

Albuquerque: You just ruined it.

Random Ministry employee: IT LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL AGAIN OUT HERE.

Albuquerque: So many layers of fuck, why didn't I bring my Invisibility Cloak with me. Also why aren't I just outright trashing the place, seriously.

Random Ministry employee: If I catch you slacking off work again, you'll all get the sack, you hear me? We can replace you so easily—wait, we're sending well over a third or perhaps even half the population to Azkaban or to get Kissed or just prompting them to leave the country, fuck, we're gonna run out of people to work for us at this rate…In hindsight all of this was probably a really bad idea…

iheartmwpp: *keeping an eye on the Decoy Detonators on the floor, as they are clearly the most interesting thing currently on the screen* D'aaaaawww, one of them fell over!

Albuquerque: Kindly don't notice me.

Everyone: We're noticing you.

Albuquerque: Oh bollocks.

Random Ministry employee: Runcorn! What do you think you're doing here?

Albuquerque: What do you think you're doing here?

Random Ministry employee: I work here.

Albuquerque: Really?

Random Ministry employee: Yes!

Albuquerque: Really really?

Random Ministry employee: No.

Albuquerque: Well then. *slowly walks away*

Mad-Eye's mad eye: Well this was productive.

Book readers: Wha…he never took Mad-Eye's eye! WTF?! Actually, what does that even do, anyway, how does it work if it's not attached to a body? In the book, Harry was wearing his Invisibility Cloak, and we know that the eye can see through it, so if it was actually somehow connected to Umbridge, wouldn't he have been in trouble right then? And how exactly did Umbridge get it, did she raid the dead body herself? Wouldn't put it past her…

Albuquerque: *gets in lift and looks at his reflection in random Ministry plaque thing on wall* Mm. New teeth. That is weird. And why is there a random metal plate advertizing that we're in the Ministry? I think people working here would kind of know that already.

Ren: *comes in dripping wet* Morning.

Albuquerque: …Ron. It's me.

Ren: Harry! Blimey, I'd been paying so much attention to Hermione and been so worried about what I just failed to do that I totally forgot what you looked like!

Albuquerque: Understandable.

Ren: Where is Hermione?

Albuquerque: She's gone down to the ninth layer of hell with Satan herself.

Ren: Oh dear. That might be a bit of a problem.

Albuquerque: Might that be a bit of a problem?

Ren: I've just said it might be a bit of a problem.

Arthur: *comes into the lift* Fuck you, Wakanda, I refuse to lower myself to what you're suggesting.

Wakanda: *scoffs* Some people. Can't even bother to torture a few Mudbloods. What is our world coming to.

Ren: He survived! Thank Merlin, we didn't even get a Patronus this time!

Arthur: Reg! Oh right, Mary's being questioned today, isn't she?

Ren: …Yeah.

Arthur: Try to have faith. I know it's pretty much completely hopeless, but some kind words are all I can do, I'm afraid. If there's anything Molly and I can do to help…You're soaked through!

Ren: Mum's alive too, brilliant!

Wakanda: Let me guess. It's raining in Yaxley's office again. It's like the Magical Maintenance people have a grudge against him or something. Can't understand why, really.

Arthur: Tell him to try an umbrella.

Ren: I did, he told me he did.

Arthur: Oh.

Albuquerque: Okay, that is just too adorable.

Lift: Apparently we're not doing the voiceover announcements anymore.

Wakanda: Good, they were bloody annoying. As if we didn't know the layout of our own place of work, honestly.

Arthur: *gives Harry a glare of DOOM! on the way out*

Albuquerque: …I do believe I have just soiled myself.

Ren: He has that effect on people, yeah.

Albuquerque: But I thought that was just your mum!

Ren: How d'you think they got together?

Albuquerque: …Touché. Arthur, hold on a sec.

Arthur: *turns around with a look that only promises pain* What.

Albuquerque: You know you're being tracked, don't you?

Wakanda: I seem to have vanished in between shots.

Arthur: Is that a threat, Runcorn? *is clearly about to make Harry suffer an extremely gruesome death*

Albuquerque: No, it's a fact. They're watching you.

Arthur: …I thought this guy was evil, but it's like he's warning me or something. What's with the sudden change of heart?

Ren: Hell if I know.

Alburquerque: It's impossible to not look stupid in these damn lifts.

~But enough of that lightheartedness, time for shit to get real and for everyone to start crying forever.~

Mary: This is really gonna fucking suck.

Umbridge: Whatever do you mean? I'm having the time of my life right now!

Mary: Exactly.

Book readers: Now that is a proper Patronus! Which is depressing, since it's hers…

Ren: Bloody Christ, it's as cold as Azkaban down here. I do not remember it being this chilly the last time we came down here, wonder if that's significant or something.

Guy who is most likely Jewish—I mean Muggle-born, whose name is apparently Alderton: No, you don't understand, it doesn't matter that JKR said that all of this wasn't meant to directly parallel the Holocaust, people are still going to interpret it that way! Or do you lot believe that the Holocaust never happened, wouldn't put it past the lot of you. Do wizards even know it happened? Anyway, that's not important, what is important is that this will not be looked back on with fondness, and even if you were "just following orders" whether you believed in the system or not, everyone's going to think you're a complete monster regardless! Grow a fucking human soul and don't let mine or anyone else's get eaten, for the love of all that is decent in this world!

Albuquerque and Ren: *watch Alderton get dragged off and stare at each other* …So. This all seems…horrible.

Albuquerque: And now I'm just gonna drag you in here.

Ren: You're enjoying playing the douchebag a little too much, I think.

KITTY!: Apparently Patronuses (Patroni?) can create bubble shields. Yeah, that makes sense.

Umbridge: Mary Elizabeth Cattermole?

Mary: Why is everyone's middle name fucking Elizabeth, be original, parents!

iheartmwpp: So according to Lily in the Prince's Take, a girl who appeared to be in her year was named Mary McDonald, and she was Muggle-born. Unless she was more modern or whatever, which considering this is the backwards as hell wizarding world it seems highly unlikely, she would've changed her name if she married. If she really is Lily's age, she's definitely old enough to have had a few kids by now if she so chose. Basically I've been operating under the assumption that Mary McDonald and Mary Cattermole are the same person. Iunno, POTTERMORE'S NOT TELLING US JACK SHIT.

Umbridge: Of 27 Chislehurst Gardens, Great Tolling, Evesham?

Mary: Evesham is a real place, not sure if the rest of it is, Google just leads to the Harry Potter Wiki and other fansites.

Dementors: WAZZUP.

Albuquerque: THE VOICES ARE BACK.

Ren: Now's not the time, mate.

Umbridge: Pfft. Seriously? Someone reproduced with a Mudblood like you? Someone slept with you not once, not twice, but three times?

Mary: …Yeah?

Umbridge: This Reginald person is disgusting, I can't believe we let someone with such perversions work here.

Locket Horcrux: I AM WHISTLING LOUDLY AND OBNOXIOUSLY.

Albuquerque: That's really loud and obnoxious, I don't know how Umbridge can take that blasting in her ears all the time.

Ren: …What the hell are you talking about.

Mary: 'Bout fucking time, Reg, I'm damn near wetting myself over here!

Albuquerque: *shoves Ron over to the chair thing*

Yaxley: Didja fix my office?

Ren: …Yes.

Yaxley: Cool. I'm still not helping you though.

Ren: Good thing I lied, then.

Yaxley: …You win this round.

Umbridge: Thanks for finding him, Albert, this'll go so much better if I can watch more than one person slowly be drained of all hope in humanity.

Hermaphradorph: I look appropriately terrified.

Umbridge: Mary Elizabeth Cattermole?

Ren: …I'm gonna put my hand on her shoulder because I really don't know what else to do.

Mary: We aren't seriously going to go over this whole thing again, are we?

Umbridge: A wand was taken from you upon you apparently actually turning up for your trial instead of running away or going underground like most of the others. *holds up wand* Is this that wand?

Mary: I can barely see it from down here, but I think so.

Albuquerque: I'm gonna wander around the room menacingly now.

Ren: Good thing you're using that body, then, otherwise it wouldn't work at all.

Albuquerque: You're a right barrel of laughs, aren't you.

Umbridge: So which witch or wizard did a mere Muggle like yourself somehow overpower and steal it from when you were a small child, turning you into a Mudblood because that's totally how magic works and any Muggle can do it if they just steal a wand?

Mary: …How does that even begin to make any kind of sense in your head.

Audience: Jesus Christ, why don't you even bother to find out if she's a real witch or not? There are tests that can be done, people! Just see if she weighs the same as a duck. Because then she'd be made of wood.

Dementors: Can you speak up a bit? We can barely hear you with our nonexistent ears.

Mary: I didn't steal it. There was probably a Squib in my family line a while back and the magic gene or whatever decided to resurface with me! I was fucking born this way, and that wand chose me at Ollivander's when I was eleven, because I'm a fucking witch and can do magic.

Umbridge: *smirks* You're a lying liar who lies. Wands only choose witches, not wizards, just witches. Which you are not.

iheartmwpp's father person: She got sent to Azkaban after the war? And there weren't even any dementors around?! Nah, she's gotta suffer worse than that, come on!

iheartmwpp: I know, believe me, I've been asking around.

Some Moron: Suffocation via toad shoved down her throat?

iheartmwpp: Inventive, slightly cannibalistic but inventive…

Dracarot: Turn her into some human-something hybrid and let her wrath with herself force her to commit suicide so we don't have to deal with her any more than we have to. Hell, make her half-machine, make it a Muggle thing to double her rage!

iheartmwpp: Wow, nice, I like it, I like that a lot, it's gonna be hard to top that one—

oreo-and-proud: A paper cut. Put some hand sanitizer on that. Stings like a bitch.

iheartmwpp: YOU EVIL FIEND WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.

Mary: I am a witch! Reg, you have a scrotum, they'll listen to you! Tell them I'm a witch!

Ren: Well she turned me into a newt!

Umbridge: …

Yaxley: …

Mary: …

Ren: …I got better.

Yaxley: GET ON WITH IT.

Umbridge: Eh heh heh heh heh! Eh heh heh heh heh! Eh der der der der der!

Albuquerque: Never thought I'd have to spend prolonged amounts of time staring at Umbridge's chest. I'm going to be in desperate need of several showers once we get back to Grimmauld Place.

Locket: Hopefully this annoying screeching won't be a running theme with the rest of the Horcruxes, that'd just be aggravating as all hell.

Albuquerque: *somehow slips wand from inside his sleeve to his hand. It's not a Hidden Blade, dude*

Umbridge: U mad, bro?

Hermaphradorph: You totally forgot I was in this scene too, didn't you?

Albuquerque: You are the lying liar who lies, Dolores, I say while conveniently beginning to change back, which kind of seems a step down from Films Two and Four and indeed earlier this very film. But you of all people should know that one mustn't tell lies, and if you do, you know that, deep down, you deserve to be punished.

Umbridge: What the fuck you on about?

KITTY!: *hisses at him. Because Patronuses (Patroni?) can do that apparently*

Albuquerque: Superfly!

Umbridge: DAMN IT WHY IS THAT SPELL MOSTLY CANON IN THIS FILM.

Albuquerque: I can't hear you, you're unconscious.

Ren: *blasts Yaxley nonverbally*

Hermaphradorph: *grabs locket and doesn't bother to duplicate it. I'm sure Umbridge won't notice it's missing at all when she comes to*

KITTY!: *disappears*

Bubble shield whose existence totally makes sense: *dissipates*

Hermaphradorph: *throws Horcrux to Albuquerque who is now fully Harry again*

Harry: YOINK! *catches locket and puts on glasses*

Mary: …The hell…?

Yaxley: I am most displeased with my current predicament.

Ren: Yeah yeah, you can freak out later, right now we need to GTFO.

Dementors: We can haz souls?

Harry, Hermaphradorph, Ren, and Mary: Hmm, let me think about—no. *run for their lives. Souls. Whatever*

Dementors: Aww, come on, it'll be fun! *fly after them*

Hermaphradorph: *leads the way into the lift*

Harry: *shuts the gate*

Dementors: *suck their faces off through the holes anyway*

Harry: EXPECTO PATRONUM!

Dementors: OH GOD NOT THE MASSIVE BALL OF LIGHT—Okay what is this, the fucking Spirit Bomb?!

Book readers: WHY CAN YOU NEVER CLEARLY SEE THAT IT'S A STAG.

Harry, Hermaphradorph, Ren, and Mary: …Well that was fun, let's do it again.

~And now to a random shot of a bunch of people walking around. If someone randomly flipped to this scene right now you'd have a hard time convincing them this was a movie about wizards.~

Book readers: *staring at a dude on the far left* That's the kind of mustache that Slughorn should've had.

Lift gate: *opens*

Harry: Sure hope no one recognizes us.

Hermione: *is no longer Hermaphradorph* …So Polyjuice Potion automatically changes your hairstyle too, I take it? Because mine should really still be up right now.

Mary: *is clinging to Ren*

Ren: …Time to do my little bit of heroism. Mary, you need to go home, get the kids, and get out of the country, wait till the war's over, you have a family to worry about, we need to make sure at least a few wizards survive this damn war.

Mary: Okay.

Ren: Mary, go already!

Mary: I'm in such shock right now and I nearly just had my soul sucked out. Either that or I was very close to being shipped off to Azkaban. I'm so relieved to be alive and free and retaining possession of my soul that I have to do something that makes me feel even more alive so I can get passed what I've just gone through. And for some people that is teh sex. *starts snogging Ren*

Hermione: GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY MAN, YOU FILTHY MUDBLOOD.

Harry: …You are also Muggle-born.

Hermione: SHADDUP.

Ren: *muffled* Well I'd say this would be an opportune time for the Polyjuice to wear off, wouldn't you say. *is now Ron again*

Mary: *muffled* Huh, your tongue suddenly feels different, and I am no longer feeling your lip ferret against my own lips, what's up with that…WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.

Cattermole: I AM IN MY UNDERWEAR.

Hermione: …Why, I don't think we took your wand from you, you could've Conjured a set of robes for a few hours, couldn't you?

Cattermole: Apparently I was so desperate to get to my wife that I don't care that I'm walking through my place of work practically starkers. Still kind of unnerved that I woke up next to a partially clothed Hopkirk and an even nakeder Runcorn, but I managed to run down here as quick as I could, hopefully without Hopkirk they'll delay it a bit—WHAT THE FUCK IS MARY DOING WITH THAT YOUNGER MAN. What, just because he's wearing my clothes she suddenly decides he's the new man for her, does she? Well we'll see about that!

Ron: …So I'm just gonna leave now. She's a fantastic kisser, though, you're one lucky bloke!

Random dude: Hey look, Undesirable No. 1. Now where's my fucking reward.

Spotted Trio of Well This Is Going Splendidly: …RUNNING. *runs*

Guards: WE ARE ALSO RUNNING AND NOT EVEN BOTHERING TO TAKE OUR WANDS OUT.

Harry: WET YOURSELVES AND RUN!

Ron and Hermione: WE ARE!

Harry: WELL RUN FASTER!

iheartmwpp: According to the original script, Percy was supposed to make a cameo around this point. I think I speak for most fans when I say, "Who gives a shit."

Yaxley: I have arrived. I will now walk briskly toward them, though as I'm not walking as briskly as McGonagall I probably won't catch them in time. But I must keep at the walking thing, for I am far to dignified to run.

Hermione: We should really do this more often, it's so much fun and great for our blood pressure. *shoving people out of the way*

Yaxley: *shoves the dude with the epictastic moustache out of the way*

Audience: …Wait, there's something on top of the white block that is the new fountain? What the fuck is it, we can barely make it out!

Yaxley: *blows up lower part with a spell that actually looks yellowish*

Fleeing Trio of Get Caught And You're Dead: *constantly slamming into people and nearly falling over*

Yaxley: *shoving them aside; there are evidently some benefits to moving slower*

Harry: I spontaneously know some kind of spell that can send papers flying everywhere.

Harry Potter wanted posted: It was very important to focus on several of me slamming up against a window in one of the higher offices. Apparently.

Yaxley: As soon as I get free of these I'm actually gonna get serious and start running. *gets free of those, actually gets serious, and starts running* ZAP.

Hermione: The spells aren't appearing anywhere within the shots focused on us, I don't think his aim's very good.

Yaxley: *hits wall a good five feet away from them*

Ron: You're not even trying, are you. Expelliarmus!

Yaxley: …This ain't gonna bode well.

Fireplaces: Wait, since when do we have ominous gate things? Wouldn't we just go out so we couldn't be used—Oh right, we're only active when someone shows up. Because that makes sense.

Ron: I'm kind of a slow runner compared to these two. *looks behind him* And now for the shot of me being soaking wet and freaked out that was in absolutely every trailer ever and was really fucking annoying.

Harry: *runs into the Floo, which is really him running onto a mat, which was his last shot of principle photography for Harry Potter*

Hermione and Ron's last shots: *apparently weren't used unless you count the backs of them*

Yaxley: I HAVE GRABBED ONTO WEASLEY AT THE LAST SECOND—Wait, why are we Apparating, I thought we were going through the Floo.

Hermione: Hey look, if you slow it down you can barely make out Grimmauld Place. We should Disapparate again quickly and just leave him there. WHEEEEE!

Yaxley: …The Dark Lord will probably not be pleased when he hears that I probably could've caught Potter if I'd bothered to run after them from the beginning. The excuse that I wanted to be menacing and terrifying in his place probably won't really fly…I just wanted to look threatening is all…Aaand I've lost my wand. Brill. How the fuck do I get away from here, 's not like I can get in since the Fidelius Charm wasn't invented so I can't count on the Mudblood weirdly becoming Secret Keeper for no reason…How do people get in in this version, bang on the sidewalk across from where the house should be a few times?

Twisted Trio of Apparition Looks Fucking Weird Like This: WE ARE STILL APPARATING. And now we're not.

~And then they all turned into trees. The end.~

Review or Yaxley will walk menacingly at you and give you all the time in the world with which to escape, only getting serious when you're already practically home free.


	8. Teh WOW, THESE GUYS KIND OF FAIL AT LIFE

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, How to Train Your Dragon, Nullmetal Alchemist, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, Twelve Chairs, Lord of the Rings, Sweeney Todd, Dragonball Z Abridged, or Shakespeare.

~…Yes. Those are leaves. They are pretty. Well done indeed.~

Harry: Ooowwww…Fuck, where's the locket—Oh, there it is. *gets up and grabs it* These shoes are uncommonly pointy.

Locket: I AM MAKING WEIRD NOISES.

Harry: That's nice for you.

Ron: OH I'M HURT. I AM VERY MUCH HURT.

Harry: *still staring at locket* Oi, you two, we nearly dropped the thing that we've spent well over four months to get, losing arguably the greatest wizard of our time in the process! Wouldn't've that blown major chunks, amirite? Guys?

Hermione: I AM BEING REASSURING. LISTEN TO HOW CALM I'M BEING RIGHT NOW.

Ron: I appear to be going into shock, and having a marvelous time.

Harry: What's with him?

Hermione: Harry, grab my bag, there's Essence of Dittany somewhere near the bottom I think.

Harry: …Why are you stripping him?

Hermione: GET IT NOW!

Harry: All right, all right, no need to shout…Jesus that's a lot of makeup, do you even need half the shit you have in here—

Hermione: ESSENCE OF DITTANY. NOW.

Harry: *eyeroll, picks up wand* This isn't going to work…Accio Dittany.

Dittany: 'Sup.

Harry: HOLY FUCK IT WORKED.

Ron: Why am I always dying in the background. Seems to be a theme here.

Hermione: Mind unstoppering it for me, my hands are kind of wet and slimy at the moment, don't think I'd manage it.

Harry: …OH MY GOD I JUST GRASPED THE SITUATION. Jesus Christ, that is literally bloody! With blood!

Hermione: Mind hurrying the fuck up, kinda don't wanna lose him when we have over half the movie for him to leave of his own volition.

Ron: Ooooh, the pain.

Harry: 'Ere ya go.

Hermione: Thank you! Okay, this is gonna hurt like a bitch, 'kay?

Ron: 'Kay—OH GOD THE PAIN.

Harry: Why are we here, though? I thought we were supposed to go back to Grimmauld Place.

Hermione: We were, shh, it's okay, one more, one more—

Ron: THAT'S LIKE TEN MORE, YOU BITCH!

Hermione: So we got there for like two milliseconds, right, but Yaxley had hold of Ron, not me, but I was the one who managed to shake him off. And for once it's actually good that the Fidelius Charm was never brought up in the films, so it's truly a plausible excuse to go camping since Yaxley could tell the other Death Eaters where 12 Grimmauld Place was. Never having it exist in the first place makes more sense than arbitrarily changing the rules on us after insulting us.

Harry: You know, since we've long-since established that House-Elf magic is different than wizard magic…why can't I just summon Kreacher, tell him to bring Yaxley to us knocked out with a frying pan so Hermione can Obliviate him, have him heal Ron up better if he can, and then have him take us back to Grimmauld Place so we can continue as usual? Or at least order him to follow us from time to time with food or something. Hell, why didn't we just stay where we were, Stun Yaxley, and then have you modify his memory? It worked last time!

Ron: Yeah, really, I Disarmed Yaxley before we went through, you know, we could've taken him easily.

Hermione: I can't hear you, my beloved, you're in shock and slowly losing consciousness.

Wound: I AM HEALING. Not much, but I AM HEALING.

Ron fangirls: …This is not what we'd hoped for when we wished for a Shirtless Ron Moment. *stare at Rupert's nipples anyway*

Hermione: So yeah, Ron got splinched.

Harry: I have no idea what that means.

Movie watchers: Neither do we.

Hermione and book readers: *facepalm*

Harry: And I've done basically nothing but stare at Ron this entire time. I am clearly not good in a crisis unlike all those other times I've been good in a crisis. Bonus, least I actually look anxious this time.

Hermione: True 'nuff. *looks at Ron tenderly before leaving him shivering and mostly shirtless and still bleeding on the forest floor to walk a bit away*

Harry: *gets over to Ron's other side to examine the wound and wonder why they haven't tried bandaging it yet. Why does no one remember ferula*

Hermione: *raises bloody hands, which in the trailers had to be digitally wiped in order to be approved for all audiences* Protego totalum. Salvio hexia.

Harry: …What are you doing?

Hermione: Something useful, you should try it sometime. How 'bout putting up the tent or something.

Harry: What the fuck you on about?!

Hermione: *motions towards bag*

Harry: …That's a bag.

Hermione: I'm implying that the tent's inside it, you daft dimbo.

Harry: …Oh. Right, I knew that.

Hermione: Protego totalum. Repello Muggletum. Miffilato.

Harry: Muffliato.

Hermione: Shut up.

~THIS IS A SHOT OF THE TENT FROM THE OUTSIDE.~

Hermione: So…now what the fuck do we do?

Harry: No idea, all that's left are just the theories that Dumbledore had.

Hermione: Merlin's marijuana patch, we're so fucked.

Harry: Yep, but Dumbledore thought that the Horcruxes wouldn't be made out of any old object. Which is actually kind of lucky, because death by jewelry is one thing, but death by shoes would just be the most undignified way to go in history.

Hermione: Huh, would've been nice if we could've seen Dumbledore explain that onscreen last film.

Ron: I'm unconscious.

Harry: And they wouldn't just be hidden in random places, either.

Hermione: …That's kind of stupid, actually. If you want to make sure it's completely untraceable, wouldn't you make them random objects that are hidden randomly?

Harry: We've already established that he's not that smart. Anyway, time for a plot recap!

Hermione: Oi, that's my job!

Harry: We only know three out of six so far. The ring, which Dumbledore said belonged to Tom's grandfather even though he actually said belonged to his mother but who cares about continuity since this is gonna be cut anyway, who we never saw last film…

Hermione: Yeah, if we never saw any of the memories or anything, then how the fuck will we be able to accomplish anything?

Harry: No idea. And everyone already knows about the diary, that bit's kind of obvious—

Hermione: And that's not random?

Harry: Look I don't know, I'm just saying what Dumbledore told me! Oh and the locket belonged to Tom's mother, which I just know psychically since Dumbledore was dead by that point and couldn't tell me, and never showed me any memories that could actually be fucking useful to this pleasant little camping trip. Odd that I'm calling him Tom only when I'm explaining his backstory.

Hermione: Freaks me out, it does. Thinking that this tacky bit of jewelry is actually a part of—

Ron: I'M AWAKE! Also don't say the name.

Harry: You're such a pansy, I've been saying it for seven years, Hermione for two, there's nothing wrong with—

Ron: There is now. It's Taboo, He-Whose-Horcruxes-Are-Kind-Of-Really-Girly-When-You-Think-About-It's name. That's how they track people now. And it's…kind of stupid, really, that he never wants anyone to know his name. This guy went to so much trouble to leave the name Tom Marvolo Riddle behind, even if it was just by making a fancy anagram of that name, you'd think he would want to be known by this new name. His logic makes absolutely no sense when you really break it down. Plus, it's basically a way to specifically track people who are brave enough to save his name in the first place, like you, Lupin, Kingsley, those fucking guys. Thing is…If he manages to get rid of all of us, and he rules supreme over the United Kingdom and starts progressing to Ireland and the rest of Europe or whatever his eventual plans are, and if he wants to reign supreme for the rest of his immortal life or whatever…then how are the younger generations going to even know what the fuck his name is? Their parents won't be allowed to say it, their kids are just going to think his name actually isHe-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, nicknamed You-Know-Who because it's shorter. The name he would prefer to be known by would just vanish forever, it'd be like his original name all over again! He's fucking moronic, this guy! I really don't know how we haven't already beaten him yet.

Hermione: *sits on the bed beside him*

Harry: How do you know it's Taboo? Seriously, this would've been great to know in the book instead of this weird-ass feeling you get that we just go along with to humor the injured.

Ron: I heard some bloke at the Ministry talking about it.

Hermione: As I am female, my only use is to cook for my man. Tea?

Ron: OH DEAR GOD YOU'RE SO CLOSE THIS IS AWESOME—I mean, yes please.

Hermione: Kayz.

Ron: I've clearly been out for awhile. Is that it?

Harry: *picks up part of the chain and the locket proper, then gets up and hands it to Ron* Yep.

Hermione: *pours a cup of tea and sits back down on Ron's bed*

Ron: …Whoa.

Harry: Yep. Felt it too.

Ron: What? When did you get sick? How long have I been out, has Hermione been sitting on your bed as well just chatting with you or something, that's not fair!

Harry: …I meant the Horcrux.

Ron: …Right, I knew that.

Harry: It's ticking or something. Like it's got a heart. Or a soul or something.

Ron: Like it's alive or something.

Hermione: I hate it. It's like he's here with us.

Ron: Well that's a comfort. Hey, let's stare at Harry.

Hermione: M'kay.

Harry: So we need to kill it and stuff.

Ron and Hermione: Cool beans, yo.

~Well that was a lot of information we totally didn't need and won't come to play in the future.~

Hermione: You're the one who has to kill this guy once and for all, you do it.

Harry: M'kay. Dissendium.

Locket: WHEEEEEEE! *flies off log*

Ron: …Dissendium? Of all the destructive spells we know, the first one you think of is what is basically the password to the tunnel to Honeydukes?!

Harry: Quiet you.

Hermione: Fuck, where'd it go—Oh, there it is. Now then, incendio.

Locket: …Unless it was really super hot and was left for a really long-ass time, what made you think fire'd do anything to metal.

Hermione: FIRE SOLVES EVERYTHING.

Locket: No it doesn't. Also I sound like a dying baby bird or something, what the fuck.

Harry: Expulso.

Locket: Stop blasting me away, you're gonna lose me! Summoning doesn't work on me, remember?

Ron: Getting splinched apparently means that I'm unable to do so much as lift a wand anymore, even though judging from previous shots in previous movies it's not even my wand arm that got injured. As such, YOU ARE NOW MY SLAVES. I DEMAND THAT YOU FETCH ME A BACON SANDWICH.

Harry: Diffindo cuts through metal normally, right?

Hermione: I don't think so—

Harry: DIFFINDO!

Diffindo: *totally doesn't work*

Harry: Bollocks. Reducto!

Locket: Nope. Surprised you're not trying sectumsempra again, you know that's worked so well in the past.

Harry: SHUT UP! *blasts it several times with several nonverbal spells that apparently set it on fire again*

~And then they started a forest fire. And they all died. The end.~

Film: Except not.

Locket: That hurt me in my hurty place. Except it totally didn't and you guys really suck at this.

Harry: *panting heavily*

Ron: You seem a little tense, Harry.

Harry: *clenches teeth* Do I?

Book readers: Did they not think of Avada Kedavra? Granted it probably wouldn't've worked and they hadn't had any experience with it, but they still could've tried.

Harry: *picks up locket and puts it on*

Hermione: Oh come on, now we're just making the comparisons to Lord of the Rings that much more obvious.

Harry: We have to keep it secret and safe until we figure out how to destroy it.

Gandalf: IS IT SECRET?! IS IT SAFE?!

Harry: And it makes me look pretty.

Hermione: Then why are you tucking it inside your shirt.

Harry: Because shut up.

Ron: Seems a strange adaptation decision, mate. Dumbledore tells you like two things about Riddle's backstory but doesn't bother to actually go into too much detail on what they could be or how to destroy them because he's too busy asking if you're going out with Hermione. Doesn't that bother you?

Hermione: What he said.

Harry: Yes. Yes it does. Immensely. But the film's been made, we can't take it back now. *walks off in a huff*

Ron: …Well poop.

~Hey look, it's that mirror shard that'll still never ever be explained ever.~

Man who is decidedly not Lee/River: HOLY FUCK I'M ACTUALLY GIVING BOOK-RELATED RELEVANT INFORMATION WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN. Yeah, so Gornuk was killed, a couple months too early but whatever, and supposedly-Muggle-born-because-we-don't-know-any-better Dean Thomas was travelling with him and a second goblin, along with Tonks—

Harry: *whips around* Wait, what?!

Man who is decidedly not Lee/River: Ted Tonks, sorry, should've clarified. Also Cresswell. But Dean and the other goblin were the only ones that escaped, the rest are all deaded. And considering that's all you heard and we never clarified that it was Ted…Actually we'd be calling her Lupin or something at this point, wouldn't we.

Harry: Still not used to her being married yet, we'd still think she was dead.

Hermione: I AM PICKING HERBS OR SOMETHING.

Man who is decidedly not Lee/River: But yeah, we're being wicked faithful to the book right now, most fans thought this wasn't included at all. Pity it's so muffled that your only chance at catching any of this is to watch it with subtitles, I know that annoys the crap out of some people. Also a Muggle family of five has been found dead in their home. Truly this is a joyful family comedy romp that everyone can have fun and laugh at.

Harry: *fiddles with locket*

Voldemort: You know the spell, Harry…

Book readers: …Huh? Expelliarmus? What're you talking about?

Harry: No, it's another goddamn flashback…I'm not entirely sure why they decided to include any semblance of a flashback considering we're going right into full-on vision mode, but whatever…

Sign of the Title of the Movie: I am outside this wand shop. FEAR ME.

Gregorovitch: And it's on a paper on a bookcase or whatever. Merlin's stuffed animals, I'm obsessed. *turns* There appears to be someone at the door—Oh balls.

Voldemort: Hey, been wondering about something, as I casually blow up your shelves, maybe you could help me out.

Gregorovitch: Oh sure, absolutely, can I just make a quick run upstairs to change my trousers first?

Voldemort: No you may not.

Harry: This does not bode well.

Voldemort: So you seen it?

Gregorovitch: Not recently, it was stolen some time ago, I'm afraid.

Voldemort: Oh. Any idea who it was so I can track him down? And do keep in mind that you're curled up against the wall and my wand is pointing menacingly in your face.

Gregorovitch: Well—

Voldemort: Oh no, don't trouble yourself, Imma mind rape you and figure it out for myself.

Grindelwald: *crouching in the windowsill, bursts into song* I'll steeeeaaaaal yooouuuu, Johaaaaanaaaaa…

Gregorovitch: Some teenager, Iunno who he was and Iunno what he did with it, all I know is that I never saw it again.

Harry: …He's gonna die for no reason, isn't he.

Gregorovitch: I swear it on my life, even though you can see the truth of it for yourself.

Voldemort: Which is the only reason I believe you, really.

Gregorovitch: So you're letting me go?

Voldemort: *cackles* Don't make me laugh, I'm pissing!

Gregorovitch: Oh dear. *curls up into a tighter ball*

Harry: Oh, dick move, Voldemort! You're a dick! An actual penis!

Voldemort: I know. AVADA KEDAVRA!

Gregorovitch: OH I AM SLAIN!

Grindelwald: …Yep. I'm in the movie. How 'bout that.

Book readers: *grumbling* All of this happened way earlier! They can't get ANYTHING right!

Voldemort: This appears to be taken from a flashback again.

Harry: ENOUGH WITH THE GODDAMN FLASHBACKS. And Merlin's lake privileges, this ringing in my ears is damn annoying.

Hermione: I am disapprove. And I am carrying leaves. You can't keep letting him in, Harry.

Harry: It only stopped 'cause he was freaked out by me kicking him out after he possessed me, and even then it only lasted a year.

Book readers: Why did Voldy stop employing Occlumency against Harry anyway? Still, thankfully, Hermione isn't nagging nearly as much as she did in the book.

Harry: Imma start calling Tommy-boy You-Know-Who from now on. And since that earlier scene was cut, the movie watchers can just sit back and wonder why while the book readers collectively facepalm. Anyway, He-Who-Has-Found-Gregorovitch has found Gregorovitch.

Hermione: *sits down* The only other wandmaker we know apart from Ollivander?

Harry: Sure, go with that I guess. He wants something that was stolen from the guy that he just murdered. I don't know what it is, but he wants it. He needs it. Must have the precious…

Man who is decidedly not Lee/River: And now we're just incomprehensible static.

Harry: *jerks around again* Ah, it's like one drill in one ear, and another drill in the other ear! AND THEY'RE MEETING IN THE MIDDLE.

Hermione: Hey, leave it alone, it's all he has.

Harry: Why? I do not get the point, and neither did a lot of other people, apparently.

Hermione: What's not to get? It's literally the only thing that's still connecting us with the Wizarding World and the Order. Your owl's dead, need I remind you, this is all we've got. If we don't hear anyone we love on the long-ass lists of the dead, that means they're still all right. No news is good news in this case.

Harry: Well if no news is good news, why bother with it whatsoever?

Hermione: …He's got six siblings plus his parents to worry about. He didn't really get the closure that we did, I had time to mentally say goodbye to my parents before obliviating them and you actually got to physically say good-bye to your relatives. Ron didn't get to say good-bye to anyone. He doesn't know how any of them are doing, or even if they made it back okay from the wedding, Arthur didn't send a Patronus over in this version and the scene where you two saw him at the Ministry was cut from the final film. And let's face it, with nine Weasleys, there aren't very good odds that they'll all survive, three of them have already sustained massive visible injuries in this film alone, even if Bill's happened offscreen. Ron needs to make sure that they're still all right, and the only way he can do that is by not hearing them on the list of the dead.

Ron: Tonks's dead apparently, unless she had a father we never met and never heard of.

Hermione: Shit this is dark, she was pregnant for fuck's sake!

Harry and Ron: SHE WAS?!

Harry: Wait, how do you know, unless it's some bullshit intuition that apparently all women have where they can always tell except they can't and that's retarded?

Hermione: No, nothing like that, I just read the original script. And the book.

Harry: Ah. *gets up* So how long before we can get the plot moving again?

Hermione: …Did you not see his arm?! I'm not exactly a Healer, nor do I have an unlimited supply of potions or spells!

Harry: WHY NOT?! YOU SHOULD BE DOING EVERYTHING! RON SHOULD BE HEALED BY NOW!

Hermione: I don't see you doing anything!

Harry: *starts stomping away*

Hermione: *gets up* Take it off.

Harry: Well, okay, but I don't know how Ron's gonna feel about this—

Hermione: The Horcrux, you fucking fuckface.

Harry: …Right, I knew that. *takes it off, ringing finally stops*

Hermione: *takes it* Better?

Harry: …Yeah. I no longer want to stab you in the nostrils.

Hermione: Lovely. How 'bout we put it in my bag, no one'll ever find it there. Hell, neither will I, we can't Summon it, remember? If only you had that mokeskin pouch for easy storage, that would've been even better—

Harry: No, we're taking turns and that's that.

Hermione: You're an idiot.

~…So many fucking plotholes in just this one chapter alone. Wow.~

Review or all of your belongings will somehow be blown away by a tunnel password.


	9. Teh EPIC CAMPING TRIP FROM HELL

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, The Producers, TV Tropes, My Immortal, Starship, Code MENT, Pokémon 'Bridged, Rejected Cartoon Movie, the Nostalgia Critic, or bunnies.

~And the epic camping trip from hell begins.~

Hermione: I am sitting by a small fire outside the tent. THIS YEAR IS SO FUCKING AWESOME—What was that noise. *gets up*

Harry: *apparently was sleeping at the table* Since that one scene was cut, this is actually the first time you see the inside of the tent. And those who forgot about Film Four are probably wondering where me and Ron are and not realizing the tent's actually bigger on the inside.

Man who is decidedly not Lee/River: Something about a dude named Finch having some kind of invention or something, Iunno.

Harry: Damn it, I'm turning this fucking thing off, I can't stand it anymore, Ron's not even listening, he's fucking asleep. *picks up radio*

Man who is decidedly not Lee/River: And of course, in more important news, guess who gets to be headmaster nooooooow?

Harry: *double take*

Snape: *excitedly* Me?

Ron: *excitedly* Snape?

Man who is decidedly not Lee/River: …Yes, actually, good guess.

Snape and Ron: BOO-YAH! *high five*

Man who is decidedly not Lee/River: And he's a dictator who's being unreasonably harsh on all the students. I'm sure all of them will have a marvelous time and not suffer any kind of traumatic flashbacks of any kind once peace returns and they have to return to the scene of so much bloodshed next year.

Harry: …Okay, I admit it, this thing's useful.

Hermione: Apparently I've never watched any horror movies of any kind over the summer, because if I did I'd realize what a complete dumbass I'm being right now by being alone in the woods at night and movingtoward the creepy noise. I should at the very least have my wand out, Jesus Christ Almighty.

SCARY NOISE!: *is a scary noise*

Hermione: Oh sure, now I stop.

Harry: I'm looking at the Marauder's Map!

Book readers: Aww, he's gonna look in concern at Ginny's footprints, that's so sweet that they added that!

Harry: It would've been, wouldn't it. Only would've taken two extra seconds and everything. *stares at Snape's footprints*

Man who is decidedly not Lee/River: It is highly unlikely, based on all the evidence shown thus far, that the filmmakers would make any kind of concentrated effort on focusing on the idea of Harry and Ginny as a couple. While they are getting better at the whole Ron/Hermione thing, unfortunately they still have a long way to go and not enough time to make that final step.

iheartmwpp: In Maximum Movie Mode, Jason Isaacs reveals who exactly the makers of the Marauder's Map are, and admits that this information never made it into the films. He explains it all in twenty-six seconds, a segment of time that's far too long to fit into a film that was already much shorter than Film Two. And of course, because of this, the reason why Peter is suddenly called Wormtail for the rest of the films, in addition to Sirius occasionally being referenced as Padfoot in the fifth film, is never. Fucking. Explained. Because why should the filmmakers care about how much those who only watch the films understand? NO I WILL NEVER LEAVE THIS SHIT ALONE.

Hermione: WHY AM I STILL MOVING TOWARD THE SPOOKY NOISES. I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE SMART ONE, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.

Greyback: Hey, wouldn't it suck if I saw her standing right in front of me like a complete dumbass, or somehow sensed her with my superhuman abilities I somehow possess as a werewolf? *carrying dead corpse* Eh, not like it matters anyway, I gotta prepare for dinner.

Hermione: I look really freaked out that people are right the fuck in front of me. Probably shouldn't've left the tent. Or should've taken my wand out. Or not have left the tent.

Scabior: Hello, I'm far more important than that Greyback fellow for Merlin knows what reason considering we got to know Greyback and what kind of a threat he posed for two whole books when I basically existed in the last book to be his lackey for like one chapter and that was it. And really, Greyback's way more threatening as a villain than I could ever hope to be anyway. Not only is he a werewolf, and kind of a rapist and a pedophile as interpreted by a large section of the fandom, he's also a fucking cannibal. Which adds to the Goddamn scary. Anyway, I just smelled something. *walks over to Hermione*

Hermione: Oh bollocks.

Greyback: You know, if we're going with this whole werewolves eat raw meat shtick, I'd assume the filmmakers would give us other wolfish characteristics. Like an enhanced sense of smell that's practically fanon, for instance. So really, I should be the one who sniffs out the Mudblood, not you.

Scabior: What, and give you screentime and/or establish your character in any way? I think not!

Greyback: The films don't give us any love at all, do they?

Kind-of-sort-of-not-really Bill: NOPE!

Remus: And I'm the director's favorite character, too! It makes no sense!

Greyback: Wah-face.

Camera: *pans around Scabior*

Hermione: *literally just ducked down for the part where the camera went outside the protective enchantments before standing up again. Sometimes the simplest methods are the best*

Other Snatcher who's dressed more like a Muggle than the other dudes dressed like Muggles: *drops his own dead corpse*

Greyback: Oi, easy with the dessert!

Scabior: Yeah, what's your problem?

Other Snatcher who's dressed more like a Muggle than the other dudes dressed like Muggles: It's heavy, and it's not like we're perfectly capable of using magic to levitate the bodies or anything.

Scabior: Oh, sorry, d'you want me to carry it?

Other Snatcher who's dressed more like a Muggle than the other dudes dressed like Muggles: Yeah, actually.

Scabior: Shut up! I'm having a rhetorical conversation! Now forget about how we're eliminating people who can't use magic or that we believe don't have the right to use magic, and don't use magic to pick up that dead corpse, d'you understand me?

Other Snatcher who's dressed more like a Muggle than the other dudes dressed like Muggles: Nope, in fact I don't understand half this scene other than the fact that it's to illustrate exactly how the protective enchantments work. You are not one of the main established villains and you should not be the leader of our little group thing. The menacing big guy drooling all over his capture over there should be. Why? 'Cause he's got a fucking established storyline and partial backstory. You're just some random dick that JKR accidentally gave a name to.

Scabior: Numpty.

American audiences: …Wha…?

Scabior: According to Urban Dictionary it's apparently Scottish for idiot or silly person, sort of short for numb-skull.

American audiences: Ah.

Harry: I spontaneously know they're called Snatchers.

Hermione: AAAAAACK! AVADA KEDA—Oh, Harry. Do not sneak up on me like that!

Harry: Good to know this scene had a purpose in the overall narrative even if it pissed off a shitload of book readers in the process.

Parody readers: Stop harping on the Greyback thing, it's not even been half a chapter yet and it's already getting redundant.

iheartmwpp: I'll stop when Scabior gets relegated to the back like he should've been this entire two-parter.

Parody readers: Huh boy.

Hermione: Apparently it works against sight and possibly sound, but for some reason it doesn't prevent scent.

Harry: Yeah, we probably should've gotten a tent with a shower—

Hermione: I was talking about my perfume.

Harry: …Let's jump cut to us walking back to the tent now.

Hermione: Fine, but as much as we should move on from here, Ron isn't strong enough to even Side-Along Apparate…even though considering the Snatchers passed through this area already it's unlikely that they'll want to again, so maybe we should just stay here, we know the enchantments work anyway.

Harry: Nope, the book readers came to see a really slow-paced camping montage and by Merlin's used car dealership we're gonna give them a really slow-paced camping montage. Which means we're walking.

Hermione: Oh joy.

Harry: Why are you even wearing perfume anyway? Isn't that kind of OOC?

Book readers: And far more girly than you've ever been in canon aside from special occasions when you had to dress up?

Hermione: I'm trying to impress Ron.

Harry: Normally I'd be okay with that answer, but seeing as we're doing all we can to stay hidden, I'd advise against the perfume next time, okay?

Ron: *unfortunately only heard the last line* …The hell have they been doing?! Also WHY WON'T SHE LOVE ME.

~Sad Ron is sad.~

Man who is decidedly not Lee/River: And now for the names of missing witches and wizards. And by missing we mean they're probably dead, but hopefully they just left the country or something.

Hiking Trio of We Love Camping: We are currently on a vast grassy plain thing with very narrow paths cut into them. It would be very easy to spot us from a distance. We probably should've thought this through.

Man who is decidedly not Lee/River: Thankfully, the list is short today, only like thirty-one people or so.

Ron: …The hell's your definition of short?

Book readers: AND WHERE THE FUCK IS POTTERWATCH.

Man who is decidedly not Lee/River: I'm just gonna list 'em all now. And yes I checked the subtitles like four times to ensure that these are the exact names, just to make sure I got every one. Jason and Alison Denbright. Bella, Jake, Charlie and Madge Farley. Joe Laurie. Eleanor Sarah Gibbs. Harry and Bronwyn Trigg. Rob and Ellie Dowson. Georgia Clark-Day. Joshua Flexon. George Coutas. Gabriella and Emily Mather. Jacob and Mimi Erland. William and Brian Gallagher. Toby and Olivia Gleaves. Katie and James Killick. Elsie Valentine Schroeder. Jennifer Winston. Tamsin and Iola Hillicker. Scarlet and Kitty Sharp. TV Tropes said something about an Ebony Way or something that was a shout-out to My Immortal, which is why I was so thorough, but apparently they were wrong.

Ron: It's a good thing it's no one we know. Got a bit nervous over a couple just because they share the same or similar given names to some people we know, but when it wasn't the people we knew I was immensely relieved. Which then had me feeling guilty because all these people are most likely dead and I'm actually happy that they aren't anyone I know, but that's war for ya. Also we're still on the grass and I am glaring, with the chain of the Horcrux visibly around my neck.

Hermione: Hey, non-injured healthy person who is not my love interest, you want some water?

Harry: I'd love some, thanks. To be honest, walking in one direction for so long has made me dizzy.

Ron: …Think that's her water bottle. So they just shared an indirect kiss. Not to mention all of the other kisses they probably shared when she'd been wearing that perfume. *fumes. Geddit, fumes? Perfume? Fumes? Anyone?*

~That Death Eater trailing black smoke looks like an airplane that's got something badly wrong with it. Hell, that's all it could be, since it's certainly not how Apparition works. Oh hey look, three of them.~

Hiding Trio of This Does Not Bode Well: WE ARE HIDING IN A GIANT ABANDONED BARN THING.

Harry and Hermione: *banish Ron to the other side of the doorway*

Ron: *singing quietly to himself* It's a short, small thing we lead/With so much potential, pointless or essential/Which one can I be?/Where do I fit? Where do I stand?/Who are they to say what I am?/And how can I stay inside this awful world I know?/And I need a way out, I need an escape—

Harry: Come on, Ron, we gotta move to an abandoned trailer park.

Ron: They have those in the UK?

Harry: Looks like.

~Hey, Ron's actually walking faster than both of 'em in this shot.~

Hermione: Well these blasted trailers and the distinct lack of human life isn't ominous or anything.

Harry: You believe this?

Ron: I stopped listening months ago.

Harry: We've only been out here for, like, two minutes.

Ron: Yeah, where is here, exactly?

Harry: I don't know.

~And now they're under a bridge.~

Harry: It doesn't even sound like any cars are driving overhead.

Hermione: You know what this deserted landscape reminds me of? Our relationship. It's empty, uncomfortable, lifeless, and Harry's here.

Ron: But—

Hermione: He's always. Here.

Ron: YOU'RE ALWAYS HERE, HERMIONE, BUT YOU DON'T HEAR ME COMPLAINING!

Harry: …I'm sleeping on Ron's side of the tent tonight.

Ron: OOOOOOOooooooooooooh!

~And now they're near that nuclear factory thing that was advertized on all of Ron's posters where no one knew what the hell was going on in it.~

Harry: I'm standing far away from those two and throwing rocks at nothing.

Ron: We're basically fucked, aren't we?

Hermione: *adjusting his sling* Yyyyep.

Harry: I seem to be growing some stubble. Also I just know they're conspiring against me, like always basically.

~I don't know precisely where this goes so I'm just gonna stick it here.~

BUNNY!: Hi, I'm extremely adorable. Please give me all your money and valuables.

Ron: FOOD. Imma get it—

Harry: *comes up beside him and cuts him off with some nonverbal spell*

BUNNY!: No, you can't kill me! I'm cute! And PETA will totally be on your asses!

Harry and Ron: Tough, we're starving to death and you're not saving the world/country so we matter more. *run after it and keep sending spells at it*

BUNNY!: Both of you will rot in the firey pits of hell, I want you to know that.

Ron: *panting* Damn this is hard, I'm not really much of a runner.

BUNNY!: I will escape and bring back up, mark my words.

Harry: Yes, I am so getting it—

Ron: Zap.

BUNNY!: I NEVER SAW PERU!

BIRD!: I AM SQUAWKING.

Harry: And fuck my life.

Ron: I believe the appropriate phrase is "Boo-yah."

Harry: And fuck my life hard. *glares at Ron and sends a nonverbal hex at him, which misses and hits a tree*

Tree: OH GOD MY ORGANS.

Ron: Oh, so you wanna mock duel, do you? *grins* I can oblige that, we've had so little entertainment this ought to be fun! *runs over to him*

Harry: *backs up slightly* Ron, what the hell are you—

Ron: ZAP!

Harry: Jesus Christ, you almost hexed my foot off! ZAP.

Ron: *dodges* Just like back in the DA, right mate? ZAP.

Harry: WHY ARE YOU ATTACKING ME. ZAP.

Ron: LIFE IS GOOD. ZAP.

Harry: Why are the subtitles saying that I said "Whoops," Ron totally said it. Back when he was trying to KILL ME WHAT THE FUCK I'M THE ONE THAT'S WEARING THE HORCRUX I THINK POSSIBLY WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR DEAL. *hides behind tree*

Ron: THIS IS FUN. *goes to the other side of the tree and throws a spell at Harry when he sees him*

Harry: *running away* Oh God oh God, when did the Death Eaters find us, did they put the Imperius Curse on him, or did they kidnap him and send a Polyjuiced double? Shit, where's the real Ron? How much has this one heard?!

Ron: *sends a Trip Jinx at him*

Harry: I AM TRIPPING. *trips* I AM GETTING BACK UP. *gets back up* I AM RUNNING. *runs*

Ron: Damn, nearly fell over too. And now I'm not.

Harry: I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die… *backs up against a tree*

Ron: I haven't had this much fun in some time! *sends one final spell at Harry, which misses and hits the tree*

Tree: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. *dies inside*

Harry: I echo the tree's sentiment. *staring at Ron incredulously*

Ron: …What?

Harry: The hell do you mean what?!

Ron: Er—

Harry: You attacked me out of nowhere, what the flying fuck were you thinking?!

Ron: …That you threw the first spell in my direction.

Harry: I was pissed you got the rabbit first, you didn't have to murder me over it!

Ron: I wasn't trying to murder you over it—

Harry: Then what the fuck is your problem.

Ron: Those spells I sent at you were harmless, I thought we were just sparring or whatever!

Harry: Well we weren't, I thought you were serious.

Ron: …Oh. I'm…I'm sorry.

Harry: *scoffs* Whatever, let's just get back to the tent.

Ron: …Right.

Dead corpse of BUNNY!: …They're not even gonna come back for me, are they.

Vulture pecking at its innards: Nope.

Harry and Ron: WE ARE WALKING BACK AND STUFF.

Harry: I am kicking things in my continued frustration.

Ron: Awesome. You think this scene'll even be kept in?

Harry: Nope. Hardly everyone understood it anyway.

Ron: …Why not? I thought our body language made it understandable.

Harry: Nah, people are too used to us being far too damn obvious with our actions, I don't think they were fully able to appreciate the subtlety of our acting.

Ron: Huh. Poop.

Harry: Yep.

~Hey, two deleted scenes in a row. Because I have no idea where they go. SO HERE!~

Radio: I AM PERCHED PRECARIOUSLY ON A BUNCH OF ROCKS AND AM JUST WAITING TO FALL INTO THIS NICE LITTLE LAKE THING.

Audience: …Um, Ron? Did Harry or Hermione ever tell you it's probably a bad idea to put a radio near water like that?

Ron: Eh, it's partially made up of magic, it'll be fine. *skips rock* Think that was four.

Audience: If you say so…

Ron: *skips another rock* Definitely three.

Radio: I AM BUZZING.

Ron: Anything useful?

Radio: Nothing even audible.

Ron: Damn it. *skips another rock* Three again.

Hermione: I AM HERE SUDDENLY.

Ron: Apparently I'm teaching you how to skip rocks.

Hermione: Yyyyyep.

Ron: So yeah, the flatter the rock is, the better. You can occasionally get two or three with a thick one, but that's if you're lucky and it's kind of rare. Bend the knees, lean back, and flick the wrist forward. *skips rock* HOW THE FUCK DID I JUST GET SEVEN.

Hermione: Wow, you're really good at this.

Ron: The hell are you talking about, this is the first time—I mean, yeah, I get that much all the time.

Hermione: So like an overhead shot? *does an overhead shot*

Ron: …No, bending down and flicking the wrist.

Hermione: Hang on, let me try it again. *does another overhead shot*

Ron: …Are you deliberately ignoring me?

Hermione: Maaaaybeee.

Ron: Lovely. *takes her shoulders* So, um, get down slightly, like that…

Hermione: *giggles* That sounded really dirty.

Ron: Y-Yeah. Um… *awkwardly puts his arm around her so his right hand can guide her right arm* So just pull your arm back like that, don't get an erection…

Hermione: What?

Ron: NOTHING! Nothing, just…just pull this arm back, and let it fly.

Hermione: I GOT TWO!

Ron: I AM THE BEST TEACHER IN THE UNIVERSE. *skips another rock* And I'm back to three, but who cares because I AM THE BEST TEACHER IN THE UNIVERSE.

Hermione: I am deliberately ignoring your instructions again. *does yet another overhead shot*

Ron: …Are you deliberately fucking it up so I'll touch you again?

Hermione: There is a distinct possibility…

Ron: OKAY. *guides her through it again with his body*

Hermione: This entire section sounds soooo fucking dirty.

Ron: Hey, you got three that time! That's usually my average, keep it up and you'll do way better than me.

Hermione: Sweet.

Ron: Okay, you're gonna try it on your own now, because I have such a huge boner right now and I don't want you noticing. *skips rock* FIVE WHAT THE HELL.

Hermione: Aww, man! *skips rock* Hey, two!

Ron: That's it.

Harry: I AM SITTING.

BIRD!: I AM SQUAWKING.

Harry: That's nice for you. *looks over at Ron and Hermione* Looks like they're growing closer. How nice for them. Damn I miss Ginny. *looks into mirror shard* At least I still have you, creepy piece of glass that keeps spying on me at weird intervals.

Aberforth's eyeball: 'Sup.

Harry: DUMBLEDORE IS WATCHING ME FROM BEYOND THE VEIL. Why isn't it Sirius, he's so much more tolerable and would make more sense.

Movie watchers: …What the fuck's going on.

Book readers: Sigh.

~Ron didn't have his sling in either of those scenes, which is why I put them near the end, to show he was getting better. Or something.~

Ron: I am now inside the tent, still listening to the names of the dead that have been continuously listed during this entire montage thing.

Really annoying ringing noise: I just keep getting louder and louder and more and more annoying.

~Show of reviews, who else was inspired to never go camping again from this film or book?~

Review or the bunnies will—you guessed it!—take over the world. OF COURSE!


	10. Teh AND YOUR HAIRCUT LOOKS STUPID!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Pulp Fiction, Bones, Holy Musical B(at sign)man, Kickassia, Two Best Friends Play, The Room, Avatar: The Last Airbender, or any of the musical references.

~This scene almost opened on a shot of mushrooms boiling in a saucepan. Kiiiinda glad they changed that.~

Ron: This is my alone face. And despite that rock skipping scene Hermione and I just shared, considering it was cut it's like it never happened and I feel all alone and crap. And now she's giving Harry a haircut, because of course she's concerned about the way he looks since he's the one who's her knight in shining armor. *sigh* I'll never measure up. Sometimes I don't even know why I bother trying. I'd cut my hair myself but I know I'll do a horrible job and then she'll like me even less…Do any of us ever cut our hair in canon, apart from the Dursleys before Harry came to Hogwarts? You'd think it'd be down to our knees on all of us by now, weird…

Clumps of hair: Please let this be a shaded shot of the makeup room so we know Emma isn't actually cutting Dan's hair irrevocably for the rest of the films…

Hermione: HOLY FUCKING SHIT I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN WHY DOES THIS PLACE NOT HAVE A BATHROOM I'M SO SICK OF SQUATTING IN THE WOODS. *runs to other end of tent*

Harry: You just shaved the entire back of my head, didn't you. *feels for a bald patch*

Hermione: I'll give you a mirror in a sec, I just need to look something up and not give you any kind of clear answer of what I've just come up with until I've thoroughly triple-checked it.

Harry: Oh for the love of…Hermione, remember our second year?

Hermione: Yeah, that's part of what I'm looking up, just give me a minute.

Harry: No. Second year was the year when, the second you discovered what's been going on, you were put out of commission and nearly killed for the rest of the book/movie. You're gonna cough up what you know nowbefore another group of Snatchers find us, got it?

Hermione: THE SWORD OF GRYFFINDOR IS GOBLIN-MADE.

Harry: …Yes. Yes it is. Very good, Hermione, have a mushroom.

Hermione: WHY U DUMB.

Harry: Because my IQ is under three hundred, I apologize for my average existence.

Ron: IKR.

Harry: *whips around* WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT NOISE.

Ron: … *clenches fists*

Hermione: THE SWORD CANNOT GET DIRTY OR RUSTY BECAUSE IT IS A MAGIC SWORD OF MAGICAL MAGIC. But it can get blood on it if it feels like it.

Harry: …And you just happed to have a book on goblin steel or whatever in your mobile library, did you.

Hermione: Well you never know when you might need one!

Harry: Right…Still not seeing the point.

Hermione: Harry, you already destroyed the only Horcrux you'll ever get to destroy, don't you remember?

Harry: I definitely do, but I don't think the audience does, please exposit so they'll think you think they're dumb.

Hermione: Tom Riddle's diary in the Title of the Second Film!

Harry: Yep, but to my knowledge there was a lot of ink and basilisk venom involved. I can imagine you storing ink in that bloody beaded bag of yours—

Hermione: Nice alliteration.

Harry: Aww, shucks.

Ron: That gag was way overused in Parody Two, and I'm pretty sure few to none found it funny in the first place!

Harry: The wind's been picking up a lot lately.

Hermione: Well if you remembered to close the tent—

Harry: I did, I don't know why we can still hear it!

Ron: … *sits up slowly, takes off sling, starts to pack bag*

Harry: But anyway, I know you stored a lot of really convenient things in that bag that don't include food, but I refuse to believe you packed Sheldon's remains.

Hermione: IT MAKES TOTAL SENSE.

Harry: ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT!

Hermione: You killeded Sheldon with the sword of Gryffindor. In the mouth. It got blood and venom all over it.

Harry: Aw crap, average acting again, probably just gearing up for the rest of the scene which is fantastic so shut up. But really, I should be a lot more excited or have some kind of dawning realization instead of just looking like I'm emotionlessly spewing magical technobabble. Anyway, the sword can get blood on it if it feels like it!

Hermione: Isn't it lovely that Dumbledore left you a giant poisoned dagger in his will?

Harry: It really is. *squeezes Hermione's hand*

Ron: *goes through everything one more time, ties up bag, and grabs Deluminator off his bed*

Harry: YOU ARE TEH SMART.

Hermione: Actually, I'm highly logical, which allows me to look past extraneous detail and perceive clearly that which others overlook!

David Yates: …Okay, someone tell Steve to quit watching Bones, we're trying to make a movie where teenagers with superpowers kill each other, he can work on his fanfiction later.

Harry: I have no idea what most of the words in that sentence mean, but I do know one thing—

Lights: *go out*

Harry and Hermione: …We do not have electricity in this tent, how did that just happen.

Ron: The sword went missing, Scrimgeour said near the beginning. *turns all the lights back on*

Harry: OH HEY! Been a while, mate!

Hermione: Where were you? I—We missed you, yeah, both of us, not me in particular, I assure you.

Ron: Oh, that message came through very clearly, don't worry.

Hermione: Oh, good, that's a relief.

Ron: Also I've been here the WHOLE FUCKING TIME.

Hermione: Oh you were?

Ron: *through gritted teeth* Yes.

Hermione: Huh, how 'bout that.

Ron: Don't mind me, though, I'll let you get back to your little snog session in peace.

Harry: What's with you?

Ron: Wrong? Nothing's wrong, why ever would you think something's wrong? I've only been ignored this entire chapter thus far with you lot pretending like I don't exist, feeling even more useless than usual thanks to this damn arm, the woman I love is clearly with someone else, we've been starving to death, and I have no idea whether or not any of my family is still alive. But why would that make you think anything's wrong.

Harry: I don't understand, do you have some kind of problem? Just talk us through it, maybe we can fix it.

Ron: Go fuck a toaster. Also we've got to go on yet another pointless fetch quest. Seriously, this is sounding more and more like a shitty video game that will go to any length to pad the time out.

Harry: …Surely you must've known that going in.

Ron: Thought I did, but at least in a game we'd be taking this time to level up or something. And don't call me Shirley!

Harry: I'm not following you at all, I'm afraid.

Ron: I'm just not cut out for this, Harry, I'm not.

Harry: Yeah, man, I know what you mean. It's like when you're trying to save the world and the whole world's just against you—

Ron: No, no, no, no, no. This isn't about you. Why does every conversation we have to have have to turn into Potter Talk?

Harry: It's not Potter Talk, it's—

Ron: No, no, I'm miserable! And all you can do is talk about yourself! You're like the most self-absorbed guy I know. If you were miserable, I'd be there for you, but you won't even listen to me, and I'm sick of it.

Harry: *gets up from the table and walks over to his other side so it'll be easier to tackle each other later* So what exactly did you think we'd be doing this whole book? Did you think we'd actually finish up this whole plot before May for once? Don't you know that we have to pad this whole thing out so we can take up roughly an entire school year even if we're not actually at school? Did you think we'd have a nice happy little Christmas scene at the Burrow like we always do when it's not getting unnecessarily blown up? What were you expecting from this book.

Ron: Possibly fighting more Death Eaters, having this actually be a war movie with battles and shit instead of sitting around doing nothing for months, going around and saving Muggles when we're not hunting for Horcruxes, you know, everything fanfiction writers have come up with for years and making things far more exciting than they actually are, have you any idea how bored the audience is right now?! Also I thought we'd be farther along than this after so much time.

Hermione: I wanna be in this scene too, this is amazing!

Ron: I thought you had a vague idea what you were doing, I thought Dumbledore, supposedly the smartest wizard of our time who always has some kind of plan would've actually told you what that plan was instead of having you wasting the year trying to out-stalk a stalker and watching all the pointless romances and shit!

Harry: I told you this already, we can't change that film, it's been made and we have to deal with that, even if we're going on less information than canon! What do you expect me to do?!

Ron: *grabs him and shakes him* I! DON'T! KNOW!

Harry: …Look, what I'm trying to get across to you is that we have found one of them already, you're bloody wearing it, which is probably why you're shouting and shit!

Ron: What I'm trying to get across is fuck you!

Harry: Fuck you!

Ron: Fuck you!

Harry: Fuck you!

Hermione: WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

Ron: My storeroom of fucks is growing low, and winter is coming.

Hermione: Ron, please, just take it off.

Ron: …Oh! Oh, okay, sure thing! *starts to unzip*

Hermione: I was talking about the Goddamned Horcrux! Merlin's sea salt ice cream, why do you two keep thinking that I want you to strip when I really don't.

Ron: Both of us, huh. *zips back up* That's lovely, that's just brilliant, that is.

Hermione: *tries to take it off but gets shoved aside* Please Ron, if you hadn't been wearing it all day this conversation might not have exploded out of the two of you for another month or so!

Ron: You still don't get the point of the radio, do you? I'm going to say Ginny's name first because I know you love her too. Or should, I heard George say something about you snogging her during the wedding. Maybe. I've never actually seen you two together nor am I aware of any actual chemistry of any kind. But anyway, I need to make sure I never hear my baby sister's name on the list of the dead. Or Fred's, or George's, or Mum's, or Dad's, or Bill's, or Charlie's, or even Percy's, and I also now have to be worried about Fleur because not only is she my sister-in-law now but if she got caught then Bill might be in trouble too.

Harry: I started listening to the radio the minute it announced useful information!

Ron: Bullshit, the one time it was giving book-related information they couldn't fit into the film proper, about a guy who shared our dormitory for six fucking years in a row, you were complaining that it was annoying!

Harry: Dean used to date my girlfriend, of course I wouldn't care! And I was talking about when it talked about Snape being headmaster of Hogwarts!

Ron: Of course, it's always about bloody Snape with you, isn't it.

Rupert Grint: I can't remember the last time I got angry.

People who don't like his acting: *can therefore shut the fuck up*

Harry: You don't think I know how you feel right now? I know exactly what you're going through—

Ron: Considering you've never cared about anyone nor had anyone care about you from birth to now, I'd have to say you really don't know how I feel right now.

Harry: *punches him in the face*

Ron: *kicks him in the nuts* Huh, making fun of the fact that he doesn't have parents isn't nearly as entertaining as Malfoy always made it seem.

Hermione: Oh knock it off already.

Ron: And your haircut looks stupid!

Harry: GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY LIFE.

Ron: Fine!

Harry: Fine!

Ron: *takes the Horcrux off and tosses it aside, goes to grab his rucksack*

Hermione: …Wait, I thought this was just some stupid guy fight thing, you're not actually leaving, are you?

Ron: Yep. *pulls on rucksack* Wanna come with?

Hermione: …I'm sorry, what?!

Ron: Me or him. Choose. Now. Said without the locket on, mind, because I'm that desperate to know.

Hermione: …Look, can't this wait until after we kill Voldemort or something? I'm not about to walk out on him when he's trying to save the fucking world.

Ron: YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, HERMIONE!

Harry: Well this is gonna end well.

Ron: …Fine, I get it. I got it long ago, actually. I've seen you two together. The other night, that day after Dumbledore died in the Astronomy tower, on the bridge in our fourth year, in the Forest in our third and fifth years, how you knew exactly how Harry kissed fifth year, and countless other times that I'm too pissed off to list right now.

Hermione: Ron, that's—none of that meant anything!

Ron: …If that was nothing, I don't want to know what your version of "something" is. *leaves the tent*

Hermione: …Okay, poor choice of words, I'll admit that… *also leaves the tent*

Harry: Aaaand of course, since they're a couple, she's going to leave with him. And then I'll be all alone with no idea what I'm doing and I'll die in two days…Well there's a plot bunny right there, what if Hermione left with Ron. I'd go straight to Godric's Hollow with no one to say no to me, for one. And then I'd immediately die of snakebite or whatever. So it'd be a short fic and never mind.

Hermione: Ron, come on! I know that if I was really so exceptionally perceptive as I claim to be I'd easily see that you so fucking obviously have feelings for me, and I'd know that all I need to do is reassure you thatyou're the one I fancy, but you'll have to accept that I'm not going to do that! Just come back for the sake of our friendship, because after all, FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF—

Ron: GET ME OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE. *Disapparates*

Harry: …Yeah. Good riddance. I don't need any stupid…Ron! *reaches out and sobs* Wait. *falls down* Oh, what have I done?

~Well that was cheerful, wasn't it.~

Hermione: I wonder exactly how long I've been standing here.

Harry: Heh, the previous shot was overcast and now you can clearly see blue sky behind my head. It is teh lol. OI, HERMIONE! IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS, LET'S GET MOVING ALREADY!

Hermione: Hang on, let me just take this jump cut to tie this scarf to a tree so he knows we were here.

Harry: …If he was here with us I don't think you need to leave the scarf.

Hermione: It's to know we're thinking about him, all right?!

Harry: Okay, okay, whatever!

Hermione: Hang on, few more seconds, I wanna make sure it looks pretty.

Harry: …It's a fucking scarf. Tied to a tree. In Britain. It'll be rained on in a matter of hours.

Hermione: HE MIGHT COME BACK.

Harry: I don't think he is.

Hermione: FUCK YOU.

Harry: Get over here and hold my hand.

Hermione: M'kay.

Harry: Why am I leading while we Disapparate, I barely know how.

iheartmwpp: Took me this long to notice they don't exactly twirl around when they Disapparate like they're supposed to.

Hermione: Interesting location…

Harry: Just trying to pick places where no one'll find us.

Hermione: Right…no one… *breaks down*

Harry: Oh for the love of—Do I have to do everything around here?! *starts doing all the protective enchantments* Merlin's raindrops that keep falling on my head, I thought you were supposed to be a strong female protagonist!

Hermione: I'M STILL HUMAN, YOU FUCKING PRICK! *cries*

Harry: You think I don't miss him too?! You think I don't know how this feels?!

Hermione: NO YOU DON'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS! You barely interact with Ginny! As far as the movie watching audience knows, you have no significant other!

Harry: *punches her in the face*

Hermione: *kicks him in the nuts*

~WOW that sky looks pretty. Also this is hard, trying to make fun of a part I always tear up at.~

Harry: I AM STANDING. Really far away from the tent for some reason.

Radio: That guy didn't take me with him, BTW.

Harry: …Brilliant. Fucking brilliant. AND NOW I'M INSIDE. TRULY I HAVE MASTERED THE ART OF APPARITION.

Nick Cave: *singing softly* Poor old Jim's white as a ghost/He's found the answer that we lost/We're all weeping now, weeping because/There ain't nothing we can do to protect you…

Book readers: …What's a Muggle song doing coming out of a Wizarding radio?

David Yates: I heard so many tracks. It was really hard to choose one. And I played that one and I thought, "This is it. This is so it." It's actually got a lot of uh, melancholy in it, and a lot of pain, but it's also curiously uplifting. It's really hard to find a piece of music that sort of works it both ways, you know, that feels quite melancholic but in a curious way feels like there's some healing in it, and that piece does exactly that.

iheartmwpp: …

Mary Elizabeth McGlynn: *singing softly* Hey there to my future self/If you forget how to smile/I have this to tell you/Remember it once in a while/Ten years ago your past self/Prayed for your happiness/Please don't lose hope…

iheartmwpp: Nah, that actually works, this is meant to be a humorous parody thing.

Carly Rae Jepsen: *belting out* HEY, I JUST MET YOU/AND THIS IS CRAZY/BUT HERE'S MY NUMBER/SO CALL ME MAYBE!

Harry: Ugh, could you turn that crap off? *sits in a chair*

Hermione: It's a guilty pleasure, plus I kinda need some cheering up at the moment and music usually helps with this kind of thing so you're gonna fucking indulge me, got it? *is sitting on the stairs with her knees pulled up to her chest, staring longingly at the radio as if Ron's gonna fiddle with it any second. T_T*

Harry: …Well this is just heart-wrenching. *gets up and goes over to her*

Hermione: I told you, I'm not changing the bloody station—Whoa, that was a quick song change.

Ministry of Magic: *singing* And I know it's been/Such a long time/Since we've just been friends/And not soldiers on/The front lines of a war/That we were born into/But we have to do this together/Don't leave me.

Hermione: …Wow, it's almost like that song was written specifically about our current situation.

Harry: *holds out his hand* Come on, get up already.

Hermione: …Fine. *takes it and stands up* What's this about.

Harry: I think we can go without the locket for a bit, don't you think? *takes it off her neck and chucks it aside*

Hermione: *eyeroll* It's not going to make me leave you too, Harry.

Harry: Good, I was hoping that, but…I just wanna try to cheer one of my…my best friend up a little. *guides her to roughly the middle of the tent*

Rowlf: *starts singing* You…and I and George…/Went strolling…through the park one day…/And then…you held my hand…/As if to say…I love you…

Harry: *gets behind Hermione, picks up her arms at the elbow, and makes them alternately flop up and down pathetically in front of her*

Hermione: *lets out an unintentional giggle*

Rowlf: Then…we passed a brook…/And George…fell in and drowned himself…

Harry and Hermione: *burst out laughing*

Rowlf: And floated…out to sea…/Leaving you…aloOONE…with, MEEEE!

Hermione: *wipes away a tear* Oh, that was a good one!

Harry: YAY IT'S WORKING! *twirls her around*

Oliver Boyd and the Remembralls: *singing* For as long as I can remember/I've heard nothing more/Than the legend of your life as our savoir/Freeing all from shore to shore/No that's not me/And I can't live up to it/How can I be/Anything but second best to you/You put a weight on me/Too much to hold/This whole damn town/Celebrates when you're around/So I'll always be/In your shadow…

Harry: …If that song were to also magically apply to our current situation, then everything suddenly makes way too much sense and I feel like such a pile of garbage.

Hermione: He's put up with it for the past six years, and he's only shown that kind of attitude once, I can't imagine why it would resurface now. *twirls him around*

Rachel Bloom: I steal pets from the popular people/And then dress the pets up like the popular people/I steal pets from the popular people/And hide them all in a shed/Yeah!

Hermione: …Well this station is certainly fond of mood whiplashes…

Harry: Damn this one's catchy, though, it'll probably be stuck in my head for months.

Rachel Bloom: I steal pets from the popular people/And then dress the pets up like the popular people/I steal pets from the popular people/My parents both are dead.

Hermione: What the fuck. *does weird arm stretch thing with Harry while placing their feet in such a way that it looks like they might fall over any second. Which would be hilarious*

Elton John: *singing* Friends never say good-bye…

Harry and Hermione: *stop dancing momentarily so they can collapse on the floor and tearbend for a while*

Elton John: Never say good-bye.

Harry and Hermione: WOULD YOU STOP THAT.

Hermione: Why is the radio only cycling through the choruses of most of these songs, anyway? *dips Harry*

Harry: IunnoOH CRAP. *falls to floor* It's okay, I didn't need those shoulder blades.

Hermione: Tee hee hee!

Rhett: My home gets foreclosed.

Link: Rub some bacon on it.

Rhett: My cat explodes.

Link: Rub some bacon on it.

Rhett: I wake up in a trunk.

Link: Rub some bacon on it.

Rhett: My friend goes steampunk.

Link: Rub some bacon on it.

Rhett: I meet real pirates.

Link: Rub some bacon on it.

Rhett: There's an awkward silence.

Link: …

Rhett and Link: Rub some bacon on it/Rub some bacon on it/Rub some bacon on it/Yeeeaaahh!

Hermione: That's more like it! *picks up Harry and spins him 'round*

Harry: *loses balance and crashes into chair*

Hermione: Hey, I really do feel better! Let's keep going!

Harry: Sure thing, let me just pop my kneecap back into place—OH SWEET JESUS THAT HURT.

Marti Lebow: The time has come/It's for the best, I know it/Who could have guessed that you and I/Somehow, some way, we'd have to say good-bye.

Harry and Hermione: DAMN YOU POKÉMON! *tearbend some more*

iheartmwpp: Tell me someone else remembers that episode. Hell, I used to have the old 2BA Master cassette tape with a bunch 'o them songs on it. That's right. Cassette tape. That's how old that shit is.

Burton Earny: *what is this I don't even* Here's a llama, there's a llama/And another little llama/Fuzzy llama funny llama/Llama llama duck/Llama llama cheesecake llama/Tablet brick potato llama/Llama llama mushroom llama/Llama llama duck/I was once a treehouse/I lived in a cake/But I never saw the way the orange slayed the rake/I was only three years dead/But it told a tale/And now listen little child/To the safety rail.

Hermione: Oh God no.

Harry: HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT THIS.

Hermione: Because I erased your memory because of the awful.

Harry: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THIS IS AWESOME.

Burton Earny: Did you ever see a llama/Kiss a llama on the llama/Llama's llama taste of llama/Llama llama duck/Half a llama twice the llama/Not a llama farmer llama/Llama in a car alarm a/Llama llama duck/Is that how it's told now/Is it oh so old/Is it made of lemon juice/Doorknob ankle cold/Now my song is getting thin/I've run out of luck/Time for me to retire now/And become a duck.

Hermione: MERLIN'S RUSTY BOTTLE OPENER, MAKE IT STOP.

Phil Collins: M'Kay. *singing* When destiny calls you/You must be strong/I may not be with you/But you've got to hold on/They'll see in time/I know/We'll show them together 'cause…

Harry and Hermione: *dancing close together with their heads resting on each other's shoulders. They both wish the other person's hair was red*

Phil Collins: You'll be in my heart/Yes you'll be in my heart/From this day on/Now and forevermore/Oh you'll be in my heart/No matter what they say/You'll be here in my heart/Always…

Harry and Hermione: *pull apart and stare at each other for a long moment*

Harry: …Why is it that we have way more chemistry together than I do with Ginny?

Hermione: Iunno, maybe it's 'cause she hasn't shared as much screentime with you as I have, and when she does the writing and acting are often really poorly executed. Or maybe the filmmakers keep regulating Ron to the back so he and I seem to have less chemistry together.

Harry: Nah, that doesn't make any sense.

Radio: *starts blasting that bar theme from Star Wars Episode IV. You know the one*

Hermione: Okay, I've had it with this damn thing. *moves away from Harry to shut it off*

Harry: …Well as far as cheering tactics go I'd have to say that this was a resounding succe—

Hermione: You are a failing failure made of fail.

Harry: :(

~What? I couldn't just make it "And then they danced and it was cute, moving on." Well I could, but…~

A/N: Okay, so the songs in order were "O Children" by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, obviously, "Letter From the Lost Days" from Silent Hill 3 by Mary Elizabeth McGlynn and Akira Yamaoka, "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen, "Don't Leave Me" by the Ministry of Magic wrock band, "You and I and George" by Red Kelly from Stan Kenton and his Orchestra, cover by Rowlf the Dog from the very first episode of the Muppet Show, "In Your Shadow" by Oliver Boyd and the Remembralls wrock band, "I Steal Pets" by Rachel Bloom, originally from collegehumor dot com, "Friends Never Say Good-bye" by Elton John and Tim Rice from the Road to El Dorado movie which I have not seen in forever, "Rub Some Bacon On It" by Rhett and Link on YouTube, "The Time Has Come" aka "Pikachu's Good-bye" by Marti Lebow from that one old-school episode of Pokémon that made everyone cry, "The Llama Song" seemingly by Burton Earny or possibly burtonearny, originally on DeviantArt and now everyfuckingwhere, "You'll Be In My Heart" by Phil Collins from Disney's Tarzan, or the Mos Eisley Cantina Theme composed by John Williams. How long would that disclaimer have been.

Review or that scarf'll totally get rained on.


	11. Teh AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Oliver Boyd and the Remembralls, Silent Hill, Lupin III Abridged, Final Fantasy, Dragonball Z Abridged, The Lion King, RENT, Star Trek, Pokémon, Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, or "My Love Is Always Here."

~…Okay, what the hell kind of rock formation even is that, anyway, are they even still in Britain, what gives?~

Hermione: In an attempt at normalcy and to remind movie watchers what my main trait is aside from being inexplicably pretty, I AM READING A BOOK. FEAR ME AND MY READINGNESS.

Snitch: I'm still in the two-parter!

Harry: Damn I wish I was playing Quidditch right now. I still remember my first ever game, where I caught this very Snitch…by…swallowing…it…The fuck did it take me this long to remember. That's…That's kind of sad. *takes Snitch* Hopefully I won't have to actually shove it down my esophagus again, otherwise I should really grab Hermione now in case something goes wrong, but I'm sure making out with it'll do the trick. *makes out with it*

Snitch: "Breath mints, much?"

Harry: …That is not the secret message Dumbledore hid for me.

Snitch: Nah, I'm just joking with ya. The real message is "I Will Make Everyone Bawl Their Fucking Eyes Out."

Harry: Better. And now to show off to Hermione like an excited puppy. Oh Hermy! *runs outside tent*

Hermione: I think we've been away from Hogwarts too long, because clearly you've forgotten what happens when you interrupt my reading time. *eyes turn red, veins start pulsing*

Harry: Yeah that's nice, I just partially figured out a plot point, help me solve the rest of it. *walking over to her*

Hermione: That looks very awkward and I'm sure there are loads of outtakes of you falling on your face. I wish to see them.

Harry: Shut it, you. Anyway, do you remember my first ever Quidditch game?

Hermione: I do remember going off to set fire to Snape's robes and knocking over VoldeQuirrel and missing most of the rest of it, yes.

Harry: Oh come on, you were totally there for the part where I nearly swallowed it! *hands Snitch to her, sits down, and wipes hands on trousers*

Hermione: …So this tiny metal ball you've just handed me has your saliva all over it.

Harry: What? No, I just kissed it.

Hermione: Then why did you just rub your trousers with your hands.

Harry: Because I'm fucking freezing and didn't take gloves out with me. I don't know how long we've been out here but I'm willing to bet it's December-ish.

Hermione: "I Open at the Close?"

Harry: …Well that's not what it said earlier, but whatever, what the hell's that supposed to mean?

Hermione: Well, I know it's one of Oliver Boyd and the Remembralls' greatest songs, and I know iheart thought it meant that we were supposed to open the locket at its close instead of the way it normally opens in order to destroy it the first time she read this book. She took it more literally and forgot that Dumbledore never bloody tells us anything in any kind of coherent fashion.

Harry: Tell me about it. *eyeroll*

Hermione: But let's forget that plot point entirely for about a film or so, shall we?

Harry: Oh come on, I was finally getting close to figuring out a plot point all on my own!

Hermione: Exactly, we can't have that. Now I, on the other hand, was basically doing research on the Title of the Movie without knowing it. *opens book as Harry moves next to her* At first I thought it was the Seal of Metatron with the circle on the inside of the triangle instead of surrounding it, but now I'm not so sure. I can't find anything like it in any of the books I brought, either. Damn, I knew I should've packed more books!

Harry: …Of course you should've.

Hermione: And you'd think that it would be recorded somewhere, in some kind of book that might have information about Grindelwald. It was, in fact, his symbol after all. Shouldn't it be almost as famous as the Dark Mark by now?

Harry: I suppose Dumbledore hushed most of it up, didn't want to be reminded of it or something.

Hermione: And I think someone drew it on the already published page! I don't think it was Dumbledore though, he'd never stoop so low as to write in a book because he is still Wizard God in my eyes and it's not like this book used to belong to him.

Harry: Luna's dad was wearing it at Bill and Fleur's wedding, and the only way I know it was because I forced myself not to scream "bad touch" when he came way too far into my personal bubble. Had to be done, of course, considering they cut your dance with Krum despite casting Stan again and shooting several short scenes with you and everything.

Hermione: Yeah, that sucked, especially since…damn.

Harry: I know, I am not a gay man but wow. Also that might have further attributed to that one departure last chapter.

Hermione: But why would he care?

Harry: …Forget about it.

Hermione: Done and done. But still, why would there be a picture of this symbol of any kind in a children's book even though it was on the cover art of the British edition of Book Seven and there was a chapter picture devoted to it in the US edition because Book Seven is still somehow considered a children's book? Also it was drawn on the Fountain of Fair Fortune by JKR herself in the Muggle copy of the Tales in the US at least, don't know what that tells you.

Harry: …I WANNA GO TO GODRIC'S HOLLOW.

Hermione: Here we go again despite you never showing interest in it before in this version.

Harry: It's been brought up too many times by now, it'd be wrong of us not to go! It's the last book, if we don't go now we never will!

Hermione: It could very well be a trap, you know. *gets up*

Harry: *also gets up* Well in theory all the places the Horcruxes are hidden at are traps, if you think about it. Also wouldn't it be a likely place for He-Who-Is-Unfortunately-Still-Alive-And-Killing-People-Even-Though-We're-Stuck-In-The-Woods-With-No-Contact-So-For-All-We-Know-He-Could-Be-Vacationing-In-Tahiti-Right-Now-And-Opening-A-Shelter-For-Injured-Puppies to hide a Horcrux since you won't listen to me about Hogwarts and I haven't even thought about Gringotts? Also I love how I'm technically right since Nagini was, in fact, there.

Movie watchers: …Since when did Harry of all people actually start calling Voldemort You-Know-Who?

Book readers: Yeah, they really should've kept the Taboo scene in the final product, 'cause otherwise this makes no fucking sense.

Hermione: I don't wanna.

Harry: We never go anywhere I wanna go! *throws temper tantrum*

Hermione: *starts heading back to the tent* Fine, fine, we're going, but only because we have absolutely no other leads and I don't know what else to do.

Harry: VICTORY DANCE! *does a happy dance behind her back as Final Fantasy music plays in the background*

Hermione: I saw that.

Harry: I know. *keeps dancing*

Hermione: Enough with the Goddamn dancing. Anyway, there might be a different plot point hidden there.

Harry: Nagini, I know, we've just been over this.

Hermione: No, I was talking about the sword. If Dumbledore wanted you to find it and not some other random dumbass who can't see under their own noses, where better to hide it than a place that basically shares the same damn name?

Harry: That's a really good point, actually.

Hermione: *brushes his hair out of his eyes* I don't know what he was talking about, your hair is way better than it was the last two films.

Harry: Yeah, been meaning to thank you for that, but…you know…

Hermione: Yeah—OMAGOD IT'S SNOWING.

Harry: OMG YAY FACE.

~Hey look, a shot of snow. Didn't expect that.~

Harry: Well that was fun. Don't know why we had to wait till nightfall, though.

Hermione: Well we had to change, didn't we?

Harry: …Not really, we could've just put on a jacket and been off hours ago, you didn't have to spend the last few hours stuffing your hair into your hat.

Hermione: …I don't think that's how this hat works.

Harry: Then how does it work? And why else would it look so poofy and stupid?

Hermione: …I'm not entirely sure.

Harry: Okay, let's carry on, then.

Hermione: I still think we should've followed the book more closely and used Polyjuice Potion so as to not upset the diehard fans who insist that the films follow every single line of dialog and get pissed if a scene doesn't have enough background characters in it.

Harry: I really don't think they'll mind this time. Besides, this was where I was born, I'm not returning as yet another older actor who has to learn to copy my mannerisms.

Hermione: How do you know you weren't born in St. Mungo's?

Harry: Would you stop ruining everything for me?

Hermione: NEVER!

Bell: RING, BITCH!

Harry: *flinches* Jesus!

Hermione: Come to think of it, if it's you instead of some random old Muggle no one knows, it only makes this scene that much more heartbreaking to witness.

Harry: YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?!

Hermione: Well I would like to get through this scene at least once without flooding the surrounding area with my tears and drowning everyone within a hundred meters.

Harry: Tough. *shoves hands in pockets*

Hermione: *puts her arm in his*

Random man exiting pub: Aww, look, the screenwriter still thinks they have a chance at becoming a romantic couple, how adorably naïve!

Hermione: …Harry, I think it's Christmas Eve.

Harry: …I didn't get you anything.

Hermione: You know, studies say that depression hits worst during the holiday season. That's why suicide rates are so high.

Harry: …You really know how to cheer a guy up, Hermione.

Hermione: I do what I can!

Harry: Sigh.

Church chorus: We sound lovely, but you can barely hear us.

iheartmwpp: Hey, did you know there was a special edition of the soundtrack for this movie? I didn't even know they did special editions of soundtracks! Anyway, the carol is on it, and it will probably make you tear up a lot. Now if only the internet can agree on what the lyrics are, I like the Harry Potter Wiki's version the best, but I'm still not sure…

Harry: …All of this is really lovely and everything, but I really wanted to see that war memorial that turned into the statue of me and my parents.

Hermione: Sorry, but we'd need a Weasley to open a box with a giant exploding firework inside to open the gate because we forgot how alohamora worked a long time ago.

Harry: Huh. It's almost like this could've been done ages ago when we still had a Weasley with us. *pointed look*

Hermione: Oh now you're blaming me for him leaving, is that it?!

Harry: No, I'm blaming you for not letting us come here sooner.

Hermione: Well it's not like we even have Luna around to help us anyway.

Harry: What are you talking about, everyone can wear the Spectrespecs!

Hermione: Please, you really think someone like, I dunno, Snape would wear those stupid things?

Harry: There is fanart of Snape wearing those things!

Hermione: …That's kind of really awesome.

Harry: It totally is. Oh hey look, a graveyard!

Hermione: Yep.

Harry: …You know, I think dead people might be buried there.

Hermione: Generally, yes.

Harry: …My mum and dad are both dead.

Hermione: I don't see your point.

Harry: I think my parents are buried here.

iheartmwpp's father person: …Well, bits.

Hermione: If you say so—Oh come on, do we have to check now, we got stuff to do!

Harry: It's fucking Christmas, Hermione, give me this.

Hermione: We always do what you want, you never do what I want!

Harry: *rolls eyes, starts checking out gravestones*

Gravestone: If you can read this, you're too close.

Harry: Well that's lovely.

Hermione: Fine, I'll look with you, hang on…Mufasa?! The fuck is he doing buried here?!

Harry: …Think I just found it.

Hermione: There's snow on these flat ones, I can't read anything. *wipes snow conveniently off the one tomb thing whatever that would matter to her* Hey, it's the sign of the title of the movie again. Now to keep my head awkwardly tilted as I check out the name…Who the fuck's Ignotus Peverell. Hey, Harry—HOLY FUCK HOW DID YOU APPARATE TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GRAVEYARD.

Harry: …I was totally on the other side, you're right. Anyway, I'm trying to be sad here, why do you always ruin things just as I'm about to cry?!

Hermione: …Sorry.

James and Lily: HEY we're dead.

Harry: …

James and Lily: …Did you hear that? We said that we're dead. Oh hey, that rhymed! Tee hee hee!

Harry: … *lower lip trembles*

James and Lily: Oh get over yourself.

Hermione: *walks over* …Here, since I'm the only one who can actually do decent, non-offensive magic… *kneels down, pulls out wand, and conjures a bra full of potatoes*

Harry: …Why.

Hermione: Oh they'll appreciate it, don't worry. *stands back up*

Harry: …Whatever you say. *sniffs, wipes nose* Merry Christmas, Hermione.

Hermione: *cheerfully* And a Happy New Year! *throws an arm around his shoulders and shakes him, grinning*

Harry: *crying softly*

Bathilda: Hey, I'm here to ruin the mood?

Harry: Should've gotten here earlier.

Bathilda: DAMN IT.

Hermione: Oh look, someone else is here. The presence of people in the pub and the church totally gave me the wrong idea, I thought this place would be completely abandoned.

Harry: You're just the dumbest person ever, aren't you.

Bathilda: We should go and stuff.

Harry: Thanks to Sirius's plot point from earlier, I totally know who that is despite her being really far away and wearing a dark hood so I can barely make out her face, because there's only one person who could possibly live in this village thing.

Bathilda: I move faster with jump cuts.

Hermione: Are you sure about this, Harry?

Harry: She wrote History of Magic.

Hermione: I LOVE HER AND WANT HER AUTOGRAPH.

Harry: Also she knew Dumbledore, who would totally leave a massive sword with a little old lady like her instead of storing it somewhere safe and remote and casting a shitload of protection spells on it and shit.

Hermione: That totally makes sense.

Harry: Shut up, it's all we've got—Oh look, a destroyed building…My destroyed building.

Hermione: What the fuck you on about.

Harry: This is where we used to live, and where they died.

Voldemort: Yep. Even then I apparently had no nose.

James: So many regrets! I'm dead!

Lily: Wait, in the first film I was wearing a tight black dress, why am I now wearing a loose blue one?

Voldemort: Iunno.

Harry: Why am I having flashbacks as if I actually remembered anything.

Book readers: What happened to the graffiti? That was supposed to actually give Harry some hope!

Bathilda: Haaaaaaaai.

Audiences: *shit themselves*

Book readers: Oh dear sweet Merlin, you can already hear the flies! GET OUT OF THERE!

Harry: You're Bathilda, aren't you?

Bathilda: ELLIPSIS.

Harry: …You're really unnerving, d'you know that?

Hermione: *covering face with glove-covered hand* When was the last time this bitch showered, Jesus Fucking Christ!

~Aaaand now we're in Bathilda's house. The jump cuts still don't bother me as much as the previous two movies, but they do make it hard to write transitions for them.~

Bathilda: Me trying to light the candle with matches instead of magic should key you into the fact that something might be a bit off.

Harry: Here, let me also not use my wand. *takes matches out of her hands* Eurgh, that was really cold and slimy. *lights candle*

Bathilda: *staring at him*

Harry: …What?

Bathilda: We should reenact that one song from RENT.

Harry: We really shouldn't. Also what the hell is that high whistling noise.

Bathilda: It's really good that I can't exactly register that the locket's currently around your neck, I imagine that would suck quite a bit if my master realized what you were up to this early on in the game.

Harry: Yyyyep.

Hermione: I'm standing around in the background with nothing to do. Wonder if that's how he always felt…

Harry: Ooooh, something shiny!

Grindelwald: I am scowling.

Harry: Ms. Bagshot, isn't this the guy who used to be engaged to my girlfriend in real life?

Bathilda: Wait, they split up?

Harry: A while ago, apparently. *is suddenly holding picture*

Bathilda: Huh. Poop. *picks up candle and starts to head upstairs*

Hermione: I am warning you that this is a very bad idea.

Harry: I am not listening. *goes upstairs after Bathilda*

Hermione: …Well it's clear that only good things will come from this visit.

Harry: Oh sure, now I use magic. Lumos…This is still all very creepy. See this face? This is my creeped out face.

Hermione: OHMAGOD A BOOK. This trip is suddenly awesome.

Rita: Hey look, I wrote the note that was mentioned in the book. Cool.

Dumbledore: HEY my picture's not moving. What the hell.

Hermione: Huh, that's weird. *turns book over*

Rita: CAMEO!

Hermione: …I've held books that are eight hundred pages. This is five hundred at best, and I'm being generous.

Rita: Oh what do you know.

Spooky room: *is spooky*

Harry: This room sure is spooky.

Bathilda: Oh look, a locket.

Locket: WOOOOOOOOO! HORCRUX PARTAY! *raises the roof*

Harry: Never do that again. Also please forget you ever saw this. Why is that ringing growing louder again, I think I might have to get my ears checked out.

Bathilda: Totsuzen eigo wo hanasu no koto wo wasurete shimatta.

Harry: Zannen desu ne.

Audience: …We can haz subtitles? You do it in Part Two, why not now?

Bathilda: Asoko wo mite.

Harry: Sou ka. *looks over there*

Hermione: Seriously, what's with all the bugs, it's winter, there should hardly be any. *pushes open door*

Harry: Hey look, that thief dude again, standing next to another boy. Plus some girl, but who cares, I wanna fucking sword.

Bathilda: Oh my, I seem to be decaying. How lovely.

iheartmwpp: Two days after this came out on DVD/Blu-ray, my dad totally ran into someone who looked exactly like Bathilda's dead corpse right at this moment. And he was disturbed.

Harry: HOLY FLYING FUCKING SHIT FUCKERS.

Nagini: 'Sup.

Harry: *shows that he's been raised by Muggles by ignoring his wand and attacking the giant snake with a chair*

Hermione: Oh…Oh God…Oh God it's everywhere…Merlin's origami dogs, it's on the ceiling! *gags*

Nagini: *noms chair* …Ew. *flicks away Harry's wand with her tail. That is one smart Horcrux*

Harry: PROTECT ME, CHAIR!

Chair: I'm givin' 'er all she's got, Captain!

Hermione: *turns to run away but trips over books in the most ironic situation EVAR*

Nagini: Stare down, me and you, let's go.

Harry: You just blinked.

Nagini: Snakes don't have eyelids.

Harry: You totally just blinked.

Nagini: Fuck you! *slams into him, causing the wall to break into a child's room next door*

Hermione: I should probably get up and help.

Swinging light thing: *is a light thing that is swinging*

Nagini: Aww, no babbies for me to eat!

Harry: Plenty of toys for me to throw, though. *throws toys*

Nagini: Ow! That hurt me in my hurty place!

Harry: DAMN YOU GIANT POLKA-DOTTED PILLOW THING!

Giant polka-dotted pillow thing: Mwah ha ha ha haa!

Nagini: *uses WRAP! It's super effective!*

Harry: *uses BRICK!* Wow, it worked. *scrambles away*

Hermione: Hey, I'm here!

Harry: Awesome, give me a hand, would you?

Hermione: *starts applauding him*

Hermione: …Why did I even take you with me.

Hermione: So I could do this! *sends nonverbal hex at Nagini*

Nagini: Ow. *falls through floor*

Harry: Crap, she bit me. *HARRY's hurt by poison!* Wand, what are you doing on the floor?

Harry's wand: I'm tired, what do you want?

Hermione: Your wand's so frickin' lazy. *grabs it*

Audience: All right then, now all you have to do is grab Harry and Disapparate—No? Okay…You're an idiot…

Harry: I'm just gonna keep dying on the bed here…Good thing He-Who-Should-Basically-Be-On-His-Way-Right-Now-So-He-Can-Put-Two-And-Two-Together-About-Grindelwald isn't gonna show up in this version…

Hermione: I am now standing. Fear me.

Nagini: I do not. *tries to bite her*

Hermione: Well at least I'm not screaming like all those takes suggested I was supposed to. Confringo!

Nagini: AND NOW I'M ON FUCKING FIRE!

Hermione: Now we can Disapparate out the window.

Harry: Cool beans, yo.

Window: *shatters, with smoke billowing out of it*

~Could've done with a fade to black right here…~

O sleep, sweet babe  
Though the snow is cold and deep around  
Just sleep, dear babe  
Through the wind's so keen and icy sound  
O hush, sweet babe  
There is nothing you should fear  
Just hush, dear babe  
For my love is always here  
And I will hold you, safe in my arms  
So no evil can touch you  
You can come to no harm  
Wake now, dear babe  
Now the night is nearly through  
Wake now, sweet babe  
There's a world that's waiting here for you


	12. Teh HYPOTHERMIA IS AWESOME!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Holy Musical B@man, The Dark Knight, The Simpsons, Katy Perry, Book of Mormon, Kickassia, Pokémon, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, Airplane!, 2001: A Space Odyssey, the Avatar credits song thing by Leona Lewis, Shakespeare, that one Oscars tribute song video thing, or Me and My Dick.

~WOW that's gorgeous. Hang on a sec, lemme take a quick screenshot, that'll make the best desktop background!~

Hermione: I am getting freezing cold water from the river thing because fuck aguamenti, this series don't need no stinking magic! And now we jump cut to a scene of me sitting in front of a fire that looks totally ineffectual.

Harry: I LIVE! *comes out of tent* It is fucking freezing, what the fuck.

Hermione: I should probably be keeping an eye on Harry to make sure he doesn't die from snake poison or to make sure he doesn't wake up disoriented in an empty tent with no one else visibly around so he might momentarily panic and think I left him too, but I HAS A NEW BOOK TO READ yay-face.

Harry: This hill isn't even all that steep, and yet I am still panting.

Hermione: Are you feeling better?

Harry: Well, considering I was poisoned and unconscious and am now awake and walking around and presumably not poisoned, I'd have to say no. Just had a flashback of my parents' deaths from The-Bastard-Who-Killed-Them's point of view, but that's not important right now. Also I don't know if I'm complimenting you on saving my life once again or for picking a good location.

Hermione: We're in the Forest of Dean. Phineas Nigellus's portrait would be taking that info back to Snape right about now if we bothered to have anything make sense.

Harry: Oh please, what are the odds of that happening ever. *sits by a tree near her*

Hermione: I came here once with Mum and Dad on a camping trip, years ago. *looks around* Oh look, there's Mum and Dad, camping. *nostalgic expression* It's just how I remember it, considering we totally went when it was snowing and freezing rather than staying warm inside our old house because pneumonia and hypothermia are so much fun. The trees were dead and the river was near frozen, it's the perfect time to be completely open to the elements and everyone would totally choose to be in that position.

Harry: …Dentists really are out of their fucking minds.

Hermione: Nothing's changed except that we probably didn't go camping in the dead of winter so there wasn't fucking snow everywhere. Also I modified my parents' memories so they probably wouldn't even remember coming here. Though what I really did was just get rid of their memories of me specifically so they might be able to, they just wouldn't remember I was there. Maybe. I really don't know.

Book readers: Quit it with the depressing, it's not permanent, JKR said Hermione fixed her folks as soon as the war was over.

Movie watchers: Oh, that's a relief, was that in the book?

Book readers: …It was in one of the many interviews given after the books were finished.

Movie watchers: Then what's the point of the books if she's just gonna answer questions anyway?

Book readers: YOU KNOW NOTHING!

Harry: Since I still don't know what you did to your parents, for all I know you could be just speaking metaphorically and you mean you've changed so much and become such a different person that your parents probably wouldn't immediately see you as their daughter anymore.

Hermione: I could partially mean that as well, yes. Still, maybe we should just stay out of the rest of the war and let everyone else who's been fighting their asses off to survive die alone and afraid, still clinging desperately to the hope that one day the Boy Who I'm Suggesting Should Abandon Them might return and save them, but he never will.

Harry: Why am I not protesting this course of action.

Hermione: WE SHOULD GROW OLD TOGETHER.

Harry: Look, I do not see you that way, okay?! The dance thing could be interpreted as me trying to cheer up a hurt friend, the arm-holding thing last chapter could be us pretending to be a couple so no one'll take any notice of us, and the whole head on the shoulder thing could be you trying to comfort me that time, but this is where the whole us two as a couple is extremely forced since there's virtually no excuse or alternate interpretation that I can see. Stop. It.

Hermione: So apparently I got a good look at the boy in the photograph as well even though we never really saw me looking at it. This magical book I picked up holds all the answers.

Harry: YAY PLOT.

Hermione: His name was Gellert Grindelwald. Here, have a book.

Harry: Oh great. Reading. Thought I escaped this by not having to go to school this year. *conveniently flips to the correct page* Hey cool, if you pause it it's the exact passage that was from the book. Also he's the dude who took one of the Titles of the Movie from Gregorovitch's flashback.

Hermione: Cool beans, yo.

Harry: Gregorovitch was a wandmaker.

Hermione: Where are you going with this?

Harry: I didn't see my wand in the tent, do you know where it is?

Hermione: …

Harry: I WANT MY WANDY-POO.

Hermione: …Hang on, I shoved it up my ass, give me a minute. *pulls it out* Ow.

Book readers: …It's not supposed to be that bloody busted…

Hermione: Never cast confringo on a Horcrux, apparently, even though we totally did multiple times on the locket and will again on Nagini next film. But yeah, this time it rebounded and yer wand done broked.

Harry: …You destroyed my penis metaphor.

Hermione: Yeah, reparo doesn't work so good when you're not using the Elder Wand. Please don't explode.

Harry: I'm not gonna explode, I'm just going to steal yours for the time being. The locket too, cough up, there we go. Now go inside and warm yourself up without the use of a wand.

Hermione: I'm sorry. Would you like to be alone?

Harry: Heh. I am alone. This is what it means to be Batman. Darkness…Solitude. This is the life that I have chosen. Nay…the life that has chosen me!

Hermione: Oh great, now he thinks he's Batman.

Harry: I'M NOT WEARING HOCKEY PADS.

~I always thought Batman said "Hockey pants," but the interwebs disagree with me.~

Harry: I am sitting alone by a tree. THIS IS ONE MASSIVELY ENTHRALLING ACTION MOVIE, RIGHT HERE.

Dumbledore: This is a flashback of my voice telling you to trust me.

Harry: Why the fuck did I ever trust that asshole. What has that led me too? Freezing to death in the middle of a random forest, cut off from civilization and fucking food, with one friend abandoning me and another probably thinking about it. I'm all alone…as alone as the day my parents were stolen from me by death's greedy hand. *shakes head* I trusted him, but he never told me a Goddamn thing, and now we're gonna lose this war because I have no idea what to do. *takes out mirror shard again*

Movie watchers: Okay seriously, what the fuck is that thing.

Book readers: Wanna read the books yet?

Movie watchers: Why when we can just ask you lot?

Book readers: …We do like talking endlessly about it…

Movie watchers: There you go.

Mirror shard: THIS IS A BLURRY WINDOW.

Harry: Well you're massively unhelpful. *tosses it aside, pulls blanket thing tighter around himself, and bursts into song* When I look at my life/I see something's not right/Like a thousand percent/And I wonder what it is how it is/That it's always just me here crying alone/At the end of the night/Ten thousand percent…

Light: *suddenly shines on Harry's face*

Harry: …Dafuq.

Light ball thing: *is clearly a Patronus, judging by Kingsleys tiny ball of non-lynx-ness*

Harry: Well that's weird, did someone find us? How did they find us?

Patronus: *solidifies into a doe*

Book readers: Now that's a Patronus. *start holding back tears*

iheartmwpp's father person: D'OH!

iheartmwpp: I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!

iheartmwpp's mother person: So you're telling me Snape sent that?

iheartmwpp: Yep.

iheartmwpp's mother person: From where?

iheartmwpp: Yeah, that's the thing.

iheartmwpp's mother person: And how did he know where to find them?

iheartmwpp: Exactly.

Harry: …Well aren't you incredibly shiny. *gets up and discards blanket* Me likey da shiny. *stares at doe* Did I mention you're shiny?

Doe Patronus: …Tommy-boy sure picked a smart one, didn't he.

Snape: You don't know the half of it.

Doe Patronus: Anyway, FOLLOW! I COMMAND YOU!

Harry: I should probably be suspicious…except not, JKR pretty much said that Snape was the only Death Eater who could cast a Patronus and aside from Umbridge no one evil has been able to do much with the charm either and since hers is a cat you were probably created from someone at least vaguely tolerable.

Doe Patronus: Yeah, yeah, that's nice, now hurry yo fat ass up, bitch.

Harry: …You don't have to be a dick about it…

Doe Patronus: I was created by Snape, it's in my contract.

Harry: Point—HOLY SHIT YOU'RE WALKING ON THE WATER YOU WERE CREATED BY JESUS.

Doe Patronus: …It's frozen, you fucking idiot.

Harry: …I KNEW THAT.

Doe Patronus: Of course you did. *turns back into tiny ball thing and hovers for a bit, waiting for Harry to catch up*

Harry: It just got considerably less bright around here. Lumos. *stares down at ice* Damn it, forgot my skates. *steps onto it* Huh, didn't expect it to hold my weight, though considering I barely weighed anything to start with and haven't been eating much since…

No longer corporeal Patronus: You got problems, man.

Harry: I have no food, this is what happens, not all of us are as privileged as you, you know.

No longer corporeal Patronus: Yes, because I can actually consume anything.

Harry: Hey fuck you, man.

No longer corporeal Patronus: Oh I've had enough of this. *sinks beneath the ice*

Harry: Wait, I didn't mean it! *crouches down and wipes snow off ice* Aww, it went away…You've got to be kidding me.

Sword of Godric Gryffindor: Hay gurl!

Snape: Did I leave yet or am I still hanging about?

Harry: Accio sword!

Sword: Yeah, keep it up, that spell totally still works.

Harry: MY EDUCATION WAS MEANINGLESS. Fuck it, diffindo.

Ice: *breaks apart, then…sinks? Melts? What exactly just happened? Also that ice looked really thin, actually, I tend to avoid the lake in winter, can it really take that much weight?

Harry: NAKED TIME! *strip teases*

Katy Perry: *this isn't even singing* I wanna see your peacock-cock-cock, your peacock-cock-cock/Your peacock-cock-cock, your peacock/I wanna see your—

Harry: Hell, I ain't stripping that far, I don't care that there's supposedly no one else around.

Katy Perry: So you ain't brave enough to let me see your peacock?

Harry: No. Go bother Lucius.

Katy Perry: OKAY!

Lucius: And people wonder why I want to exterminate all Muggles.

Harry: Finally, now to catch hypothermia in peace…

Snape: I sincerely hope I've left by now, otherwise I just watch the child of the love of my life strip till he's almost completely starkers. Awkward…

Harry: Jesus Christ, the snow's cold on mah feets.

Locket: I think you're forgetting something…

Harry: Yeah, I know I should take my underpants off too if I desire to keep my bits, but I'm not that comfortable with myself, so pipe down, would you? *places Hermione's wand rather close to the ice opening thing instead of leaving it on the shore where it has less of a chance of falling in the water and being lost forever, making them entirely wandless* Okay, now to stick a foot in—THIS WAS A MISTAKE I HATE DUMBLEDORE SO MUCH I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I'M GLAD HE'S DEAD AND I HOPE HE BURNS IN THE FIERY PITS OF MORDOR.

Sword: You're gonna have to stick in a lot more than that if you really want to grab me.

Harry: Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-That's wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-what sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-she s-s-s-s-s-said… *takes a deep breath before the plunge* G-G-G-G-ER-R-RON-N-N-IM-M-M-OOO! *plunges, causing the water to flow over the ice and take Hermione's wand with it* Huh, this isn't that far down, this should be cake considering I still can't fucking swim.

Sword: Nearly there, brah.

Harry: Awesome.

Film Brain: I'm so excited! Are you excited? I'm excited! EXCITED!

Harry: I am excited—WHAT THE HELL LOCKET, WHAT THE HELL.

Locket: I'm an evil Horcrux made of murder and evilness, why wouldn't I try to murder you when you've finally found a tool that would destroy me? *LOCKET uses WRAP! It's super effective!*

Harry: Well bollocks. *HARRY uses BUBBLE! It's not very effective…* Damn it, why does Wrap always last like five moves, I'll be dead by then!

Locket: That is the general idea, yes.

Harry: *clawing at the ice* Boy is Hermione gonna be pissed when she sees I lost her wand. Oh, and that I'm deaded…

Shadowy figure on the ice that is in no way Ron: Those look like Harry's clothes…And I can partially see someone struggling to breathe under the ice…Hmmm…

Locket: I'm in ur pond thing, stranglin' ur main characterz.

Shadowy figure on the ice that is in no way Ron: *dives into the water, fully-clothed, creating so many bubbles that you conveniently can't see who it is* Hang on, let me grab the shiny sword thing before I save my dying friend.

Harry: I'M OUT OF THERE YAY and still freezing to death, how lovely.

Shadowy figure that is in no way Ron: There you go, catch your breath, you fucking idiot.

Glasses: I randomly fell off as we were dragged out, it seems.

Harry: Yeah, what was up with that. *puts them back on* Anyway, you saved my life once again, Hermione, I really need to figure out how to thank—

Oh hey look it was actually Ron: I HAVE HYPOTHERMIA, YAAAAAAAAAAY!

Movie watchers: …That was ridiculously convenient—

Book readers: *clapping furiously that first night, at least at the theater I was at* SHUT UP IT'S AWESOME!

Harry: …You should really take those clothes off fast, mate—

Ron: Only if you drop your underpants as well, we're both about to die, basically.

Harry: The needs of keeping this PG-13 outweigh the needs of us doing what would realistically have to be done to survive. Also it appears as if you were the one who prevented me from drowning.

Ron: What, did the fact that I also appear to be sopping wet and shivering and am holding the sword not give it away?

Harry: Not immediately, no.

Ron: Well you're dumb.

Harry: *putting trousers back on* And you cast the doe as well?

Ron: …You saw in Film Five that it was a dog. A Jack Russell terrier specifically, I believe.

Harry: Well Patronuses can change, so—

Ron: Yeah, but we never find that out in this version. Hell, I thought the deer was you, yours is a deer, isn't it?

Harry: No, my Patronus is a stag.

Ron: Right, yeah. Penis. *sticks the sword out in front of his crotch*

Harry: Exactly. *does up belt and puts shirt on offscreen. Just the shirt though, no need for the jumper, it's not like they'll die of exposure after they've just been in water that's below freezing or anything*

Locket: I am now on a rock.

Harry: Okay, Ron, you get to kill it! Aren't you so happy?

Ron: …Wut.

Harry: You get to kill a Horcrux. I am giving you that opportunity.

Ron: …That thing brings all your insecurities to the forefront, making you really pissy when you realize what a subpar person you really are, and I appear to be far more insecure than you and Hermione.

Harry: Well this is your chance to prove yourself.

Ron: I fucking came back, didn't I?! What more do you want?!

Harry: For you to actually do something now that you are back, or what's the point of you.

Ron: …Fine.

Harry: Now I've just figured out psychically that I'll need to speak to it in Parseltongue in order for it to open, because suddenly I've realized we need to open it to destroy it.

Ron: …Why does the locket have to actually be open for basilisk venom to be effective? The diary didn't have to be open, why can't I just smash it now, will the deadly venom cured only by phoenix tears not work on it otherwise?

Harry: Iunno, but you need to do this quickly because it will try to fight bit that was in Tom Riddle's diary tried to kill me, and obviously even when this one was closed it still tried to strangle me.

Ron: …Thanks so much for that delightful bit of reassurance, matey-poo.

Harry: That's what I'm here for!

Ron: Sigh.

Leslie Nielson: I just want to tell you both, good luck. We're all counting on you.

Locket: I'm starting to screech again.

Harry: Y'all ready for this?

Ron: NOPE! *raises sword anyway*

Locket: What are you doing, Dave?

Harry: One…two…three.

Parseltongue: *is decidedly different from how Harry said "open" five movies ago…So let's change languages!* Abierto.

Locket: That's an adjective.

Harry: Well I forgot how to conjugate, just do it.

Locket: *rolls nonexistent eyes and opens…revealing an eye. There was an eyeball shoved into the locket. The kids had been carrying around an eyeball for months. Ew*

Harry and Ron: *are blown away by an explosion of black goo*

Harry: Damn that ringing in my ears is annoying, I really need to have Hermione check that out if she can…

Ron: What ringing, I don't hear anything, all I see is goey Voldefaces swirling around in the slime.

Goey Voldefaces swirling around in the slime: *bursts into song* Walking through a dream, I see you…

Ron: …Okay, Avatar was overrated, but that song was kinda nice, I admit it.

Harry: How can you not hear that ringing, it's so freaking annoying!

Ron: I really think it's just you.

Goey Voldefaces swirling around in the slime: I am basically an uber-boggart. Have a shit-ton of tiny spiders.

Ron: I could really do without, thanks.

Goey Voldefaces swirling around in the slime: Hey, you know how your mother conveniently stopped having kids right after she finally had a girl?

JKR: I was supposed to be a boy, so…

Di: Simon John.

JKR: I was supposed to be Simon John, I even know who I was supposed to be.

Documentray dude: Had they told you?

JKR: Oh yeah. *laughs*

Di: She was a massive disappointment.

JKR: Yeah. And, um…So now I said quite hopefully, "And when Di came along, were you disappointed too?"

Di: *nearly spews her drink*

JKR: "No!" I said "Was that because you'd found out it was quite nice to have a girl?" "No."

Di: *laughing her ass off*

JKR: So then I just went upstairs and wept.

iheartmwpp: Huh. It's almost as though she knew what she was doing when it came to writing that aspect of Ron's feelings of inadequacy or something. Sigh, haters gonna hate, I suppose…

Goey Voldefaces swirling around in the slime: You know how she always heaps praise on Bill, Charlie, and Percy, and even though she's always shouting at the twins at least she's paying attention to them? And how she is completely motherly toward Harry while practically ignoring your very existence? You know how the films have really emphasized Hermione's relationship with Harry while getting rid of anything you had to offer at every opportunity?

Ron: I have been made fully aware of all of these things in the past, yes.

Harry: Okay, it's just taunting you instead of outright trying to kill you, this could actually go better than I thought—Why is it glowing?

Goey Voldefaces swirling around in the slime: *morph into glowing pale Harry and Hermione thingies*

Ron: …What the hell.

Glowing pale Harry thingy: *looks like he's from a video game: almost realistic but just slightly off* Seriously, no one in the fandom likes you at all, you stupid ginger.

Glowing pale Hermione thingy: It's Harry Freaking Potter, the biggest, richest, most famous celebrity in our entire world! Who wouldn't want a piece o' dat ass?

Fo realz Harry: Ron, she doesn't want me at all, I swear! Aside from that one line about us growing old together I really don't think—

Ron: She wants to grow old with you? Well I give up all hope now.

Glowing pale Harry thingy: *sing-song voice* Your mum likes me better, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh-nyeh, nyeeeeeh!

Glowing pale Hermione thingy: That's right! As long as Harry's around, you'll always be second-best. Least loved. But if Harry Potter were to die, then we could be together forever!

Fo realz Harry: Ron, it's not true! It's not true, Ron!

Ron: Yeah, Harry's my friend!

Glowing pale Hermione thingy: But don't ya want me, Ron?

Ron: Yes…

Glowing pale Hermione thingy: Don't ya love me, Ron?

Ron: YES!

Glowing pale Hermione thingy: THEN YA KNOW WHAT YA GOTTA DO, RON!

Ron: Yes. *monotone* I must kill Harry.

Fo realz Harry: Ron! No! It's a trick, Ron, don't listen to her! Stop it! Listen, Hermione's my friend! One of my best friends! I would never do anything to hurt you or her! *ringing's still there, only when the camera's on Harry*

Glowing pale Hermione thingy: *is now naked. As is the glowing pale Harry thingy. And they're ferociously making out. I'm not sure it was entirely necessary to go that far*

Ron: …Surprised they're not full-out shagging, to be honest…

Glowing pale Hermione thingy: *eats glowing pale Harry thingy's face off*

Ron: Okay, that's it, I'm killing everything. *gets up, raises sword*

Harry: You okay there, buddy?

Ron: AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGHHHH!

Harry: Oh crap. *shields himself*

Ron: *kills locket*

Locket: OH I AM SLAIN! *is dead*

Harry: …Well that went well. *gets up*

Ron: *is on his knees on the ice* Indeed. *drops sword as Harry sits on the shore beside him—He's still barefoot! What the fuck, he's gonna get so fucking frostbitten at this point!* So that's the diary, the ring, and the locket down, and now we just got, what, a cup that we don't know about, a tiara that we don't know about, and a snake that we don't know about?

Harry: Roughly, plus me that we don't know about, and the last bit that's still within the Dark Tosser himself which is the only thing we do know about.

Ron: Brilliant.

Book readers: They really should have included Harry and Ron's talk after they destroyed it, otherwise their relationship would have continued to be strained and I doubt Ron would have ever been able to move past this.

iheartmwpp: So here you go.

Harry: Ron…You had me going there for a minute, buddy.

Ron: Yeah. Sorry about that, pal. It was just…Everything she was saying, you know, and it…I couldn't…

Harry: …What?

Ron: Even if that's…how she did feel about you and me…Well, it wouldn't matter. 'Cause you're my best friend.

Harry: *bites fist*

Ron: And I would never…do anything to hurt you… *also bites fist* Because I love you.

Harry: *sniffs* I love you too, man!

Ron: Come on! *hugs him*

~Wouldn't it be hilarious if Ron never showed up and Harry drowned?~

Hermione: I am asleep. Fear me and my sleepy powers of being asleep.

Harry: WAKE UP, BITCH!

Hermione: …I hate Mondays. *exits tent*

Harry: *picks up mirror shard and sticks it in his pocket* Huh, my fingers are blue, that's weird.

Hermione: So are your lips, what did you do last night?

Harry: Oh nothing special. You know, hypothermia's not so bad, actually, I don't really feel the cold anymore. Nor any other sensation.

Hermione: That's probably really bad, actually.

Harry: Yeah, but this ain't.

Ron: I'm probably far worse off than he is, please take pity on me.

Hermione: … *walks up to him* YOU TOENAIL MOTHERFUCKER! *uproots tree and starts beating him with it*

Ron: Bitch I got a fucking sword—OW!

Hermione: YOU DILDO SHITHEAD! *grabs a boulder* You show up after weeks and all you can do is complain about how you're freezing to death, don't you ever think about anyone other than yourself?! Do you have any idea what you did to me?!

Ron: Okay, I understand your feelings were hurt and I understand that that registers in the brain the same way physical pain does, but I am literally dying from cold and we're barely acknowledging it right now!

Hermione: Violence towards men is the only way that girls are allowed to show feelings of anger, because that leads to healthy relationships. Harry, give me my wand back so I can shove it in his eye.

Harry: No! I am not about to promote domestic violence!

Hermione: HARRY JAMES POTTER, YOU GIVE ME MY GODDAMN WAND OR SO HELP ME I WILL TEAR OUT ALL YOUR PUBIC HAIR, KNIT IT INTO A PILLOWCASE, AND SUFFOCATE YOU WITH IT.

Harry: *instinctively covers naughty bits*

Ron: I missed something, how come he's got your wand? Is it to prevent you from killing everything that moves?

Hermione: *turns and glares* Yes, as a matter of fact, you did miss a few things.

Ron: *flinches*

Hermione: …What's that you're holding?

Ron: Dead Horcrux. *holds up locket with goofy grin on his face*

Hermione: …It's broken.

Ron: Yep.

Hermione: It's destroyed.

Ron: …Very good.

Hermione: So…you destroyed it?

Ron: Why did I come back.

Hermione: But the Sword of Gryffindor just happening to turn up in the Forest of Dean, that's a little convenient, isn't it?

Harry: You're telling me, I almost think it would've worked better if we still had nothing and Ron went and found the sword on his own so he'd have something beyond knowledge of the Taboo and Potterwatch to offer when he got back.

Hermione: …You smashed a piece of jewelry. Good for you. But don't think for a second that I'm impressed. *starts to head back*

Ron: Again, I CAME BACK! And I only destroyed a fragment of He-Who-Is-Still-Oddly-Keeping-A-Low-Profile-Or-May-Still-Be-Out-Of-The-Country-At-This-Point's soul, why would that be noteworthy?!

Hermione: *stops* …Maybe we do give Neville a bit too much credit—

Harry: That's dumb and so are you.

Ron: Look, I wanted to come back as soon as I left, but since we're cutting the bit where I nearly got taken in by some Snatchers I just got lost like a dumbass because why make me competent in any way.

Harry: Yeah, how did you manage to come back here, anyway?

Ron: With the only one of Dumbledore's gifts not counting the sword to be useful so far. Hey look, I beat you both at something! HA!

Hermione: Get on with it, you fucking fuckface.

Ron: Right. It doesn't just look really cool or turn off lights. I don't know how it works, but it was apparently around Christmas morning even though I'm pretty sure it was a few days later in canon or whatever. And I was staying at this little pub because fuck camping, and apparently I never stopped at Bill's place even though I totally know where he lives later. Snatchers were still larking about, and for some reason it's always the group with Greyback in it, though he's kind of the comic relief at this point, it's kind of sad, actually. But I heard something, so I clicked it and something else happened.

Harry: Be more specific, what happened?

Ron: *burst into song* This ball of light/This tiny ball of light/ Floated through my chest/ Float through me, right here/I heard your voice/Whisper my na-a-ame…

Hermione: *joins in* What exactly did I say, may I ask?

Ron: Hey.

Hermione: I say hey?

Ron: Hey.

Hermione: You say hey?

Ron and Hermione: Hey, hey, hey—

Hermione: You say hey, hey…

Ron: You're my light/You're my tiny ball of light.

Harry: Way to reference the freaking Oscars.

Ron: But yeah, you didn't actually say "hey," you said my name. And, uh, there were some other noises—

Hermione: *hastily* And happened when the ball of light touched your heart, exactly?

Ron: I psychically knew exactly where to find you, so I turned up, but your protections were so amazingly phenomenal that all I could do was wait for someone to show up, and eventually Harry did.

Sun: *appears over Harry's head and goes behind the clouds again as he and Ron stare at each other*

iheartmwpp: …I'm not sure who's in love with who anymore.

Ron: *looks back at Hermione, then pulls out some cards and starts to read from them* Hermione! You are beautiful to me. And I am sure that I love you. So sure, I am willing to make you this vow on humbled knee—ON HUMBLED KNEE! *gets down on his knees* I will provide for you—I WILL PROVIDE AND I LOVE YOU! AND YOU WILL KEEP MY HOME AND RAISE MY CHILDREN! *thrusts his arms into the air*

Hermione: *is utterly flabbergasted by this performance*

Harry: *is laughing hysterically in the background but still gives Ron the thumbs up*

Ron: I will make you happy if you will make me happy!

Hermione: What exactly do you want me to say to you?!

Ron: Well, sometimes the best thing to say…is a kiss.

Harry: Good line, Ron!

Hermione: …I'll think about it.

Ron: YES!

~What? I couldn't not include more Starkid!~

Review or you'll catch hypothermia and be suddenly too stupid to take any preventative measures.


	13. Teh THIS WHOLE SEQUENCE WAS SO FUCKING COOL!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, The Sound of Music, Suburban Knights, Twilight, The Chronicles of Narnia, the Nostalgia Critic, Naked, The Muppets, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Spamalot, Final Fantasy VII, Heavy Rain, Star Wars, or bronies.

~Well that was a touching scene. NOW TO SET EVERYTHING ON FIRE!~

Ron: I've always liked these flames Hermione never made in the films apart from that one time she lit Snape on fire which I didn't actually get to see.

Harry: Yyyyyep.

Hermione: I am outside in the cold for I am shunning you.

Ron: It's so cute how they think not talking to us is punishment, amirite?

Harry: Truth, but if you want to still have a chance with her, just keep talking about that little ball of light touching your heart, because that really does sound unbelievably cheesy.

Ron: Hey, Dumbledore was a romantic, what do you want? Anyway, Dumbledore totally knew I was gonna run away from you guys, which is probably why he gave me the Deluminator in the first place. Nice to know he had so much faith in me.

Harry: I read somewhere the theory that he remembered the chess game, and how you were the first to sacrifice yourself, so he figured you'd be the first to jump into a fight while making us run and save ourselves, and you'd need the Deluminator to find us again when you eventually got away yourself.

Ron: I like that theory better, let's roll with that. But why program it to Hermione's voice? Why not yours, since he wanted us to protect you first and foremost?

Harry: Maybe he came up with adding that feature to it while he still thought Hermione and I were an item, he was so obsessed with that last year.

Ron: Point. Oh yeah, you need a wand, don't you?

Harry: Magically got a spare, do you?

Ron: Nah, just stole it.

Harry: …Okay…

Ron: Hey, Sirius did the same thing, if you recall. Also it was from a Snatcher, so good riddance, I say. *digs into bag* Blackthorn, ten inches, no idea about the core.

Audience: …How do wizards automatically know what kind of wood wands are made of? And do they always carry a ruler around or what?

Harry: *grips it* Feels weird, holding another man's wand in my hand, not sure I like it much.

Ron: That's what he said. Anyway, this was actually from a different set of Snatchers for once. One of 'em smelled like he was part troll. And that's the guy your new wand came from!

Harry: Oh this has me bathed in confidence.

Ron: I'm here for you, mate.

Harry: Funny that the first spell I try is engorgio, ain't it.

Fire: *explodes everything within a ten-mile radius*

Ron: *coughing up ashes* Smooth.

Hermione: Why is the tent on fire?

Harry and Ron: No reason!

Hermione: M'kay. *enters the towering inferno* So we need to get on with the plot.

Ron: I am totally down with that.

Hermione: … *purposefully walks over to Harry* I want to visit that creepy rapey dude who molested you at the wedding.

Harry: …Why.

Hermione: *shows book thing* See this?

Harry: Wow, they actually put in the letter from the book! Nice!

Hermione: Yes, and they even included the symbol of the Title of the Movie. Dumbledore literally put it in place of his name. I'm seeing it everywhere, it's in the book, it's in that other book, and I'm so excited about the memory of seeing it on that one gravestone that my eyebrows are temporarily acting up again!

Harry: It was in that other place, too.

Hermione: What other place.

Harry: It was outside Gregorovitch's wand shop. And you say I should stop having visions. Well I ain't if they're gonna keep moving the plot like this!

Ron: I'm confuzzled.

Hermione: No one is surprised. And since we've hit a dead end we've got to use the only other hint we can think of.

Ron: I am in complete agreement. We should go visit Elphias Doge.

Hermione: …I was actually referring to Xenophilius Lovegood.

Ron: Or him, either way works. Let's put it to a vote.

Harry: There's no real need, I'm in complete agreement—

Ron: Those in favor of visiting Xeno… *raises hand*

Harry and Hermione: …

Ron: …Just trying to diffuse the tension.

Hermione: *activates super special eyebrow powers for the final noticeable time and walks out*

Ron: Hey, she smiled a bit that time!

Harry: Yeah, at how dumb you were being.

Ron: Don't care, as long as she smiled!

~Ah, beautiful grassy fields, how lovely. Thought it was still winter, but whatever.~

iheartmwpp's father person: *bursts into song* The hills are aliiiiive…

iheartmwpp's mother person (different viewing): Hey, it's the Sound of Music.

iheartmwpp: HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS THOUGHT THE SAME THING?! DOES NOT COMPUTE, DOES NOT COMPUTE, ABORT, RETRY, FAIL.

Ron: I am leading the way since this is near to where I live. I wanna go home.

Harry: You're not really still mad at the guy, are you? I mean, he did save my life, nearly killed himself trying, destroyed a Horcrux, got me a new temporary wand, and came the hell back.

Hermione: I'm always mad at him. Which'll make our married life nothing but peaceful bliss, I'm sure.

Ron: Looking at that house, suddenly a lot about Luna makes sense.

Harry and Hermione: No kidding.

~Why are the dirigible plums still leafy green in January? Is it just one of those kinds of plants?~

Quibbler sign: *is on the door*

Hermione: *knocks on said door*

Ron: I know how to read!

Hermione: How nice for you.

iheartmwpp's father person: I want Dirigible Plums!

HOUSE!: *is there*

Kites: WHEEEEEEEE!

Xenophilius: *opens top part of door* AH! GINGER! *slam*

Ron: …

Hermione: Huh. And here I thought he was crazy.

Ron: Fuck you.

Harry: All right, stand aside, amateur. *knocks on the door*

Xenophilius: I don't know why I'm opening the door again, it's got to be the same people…

Harry: Hi there. We represent the Broadway Better Business Players for a Brighter Tomorrow. We're trying to start a petition to get second-rate shows taken off the marquee. And with your help, we can stop Mama Miafrom ever playing again.

Xenophilius: Oh, thank goodness. Come in, come in!

~THEY ARE NOW INSIDE. FEAR THEIR INSIDEY POWERS OF INSIDENESS.~

Harry: So.

Xenophilius: Yep.

Hermione: Uh-huh.

Ron: No kidding.

Harry: …Sorry, what were we talking about?

Hermione: Oh! Did Luna come home from winter break or is she still at Hogwarts?

Xenophilius: I really should've made the excuse that she stayed at school or made up that it was mandatory to stay at school because under this new regime it's actually rather surprising that it isn't, but no, she's outside somewhere.

Ron: Odd, you'd think we would've seen her when we came up.

Everyone: *takes a sip of what should be infusions of Gurdyroots but is apparently just tea*

iheartmwpp's mother person: I like…the mugs.

iheartmwpp's father person: Of course you do.

Ron: Oh that's foul.

Hermione: I am not being that polite about this.

Harry: I'm just gonna set that down…

Xenophilius: Tell me what you want already.

Harry: Do you remember Bill and Fleur's wedding? You were wearing some kind of pendant thingy?

Xenophilius: Oh, this pendant thingy? *holds up sign of the Title of the Movie*

Harry: IMMA POKE IT.

Ron: He really has been hanging around Dumbledore too long.

Harry: So what is this I'm poking, by the way.

Xenophilius: Well it's the sign of the Title of the Movie, o' course!

Ron and Hermione: Which is?

Harry: …Which…is?

Xenophilius: The Deathly Hallows.

Ron and Hermione: Which are?

Harry: …Which…are?

Xenophilius: Y'all read "The Tale of the Three Brothers?"

Hermione: Yes, it was quite morbid and creepy, I didn't much like it.

Ron: Yeah, it was all right, I guess.

Harry: The hell are you all talking about?

Xenophilius: …Okay, it's bad to assume, got it.

Hermione: I HAZ A COPY! Finally, I can actually use the thing Dumbledore gave me!

Ron: 'Bout damn time.

Hermione: *digs through bag* Hang on, it's stuck under a bus, gimme a minute…

Harry and Ron: We have a bus?! WHY HAVE WE BEEN WALKING THIS WHOLE TIME?!

Hermione: *ignores them* I have no idea how I immediately grabbed the right one, but here we go.

Xenophilius: I like watching you.

Harry: See why I didn't really wanna come all that much?

Hermione: "There were once three little pigs—"

Harry: Check the title.

Hermione: Oh, right, sorry. *puts that back and takes out actual Tales of Beedle the Bard* "There were once three brothers who were traveling along a lonely, winding road…at twilight."

Ron: Midnight. Mum always said midnight.

Harry: …Good for her?

Hermione: That a jab at the Twilight franchise?

Ron: Of course not, it's just a creepy time of day, or night if you will, all sorts of things are supposed to happen around midnight, it's a really superstitious time and it's stereotypically pitch black if there's no moonlight even though it's actually either deep blue with stars or dark gray at most, and dark equals scary if you're really young and sometimes even if you're not.

Hermione: Well the original says twilight, and originals are always superior to all other versions.

Ron: Oh yeah, that 1988 Chronicles of Narnia series was absolutely brilliant, wasn't it.

Hermione: Of course not, the books were far superior to even the Disney films.

Ron: I disagree, I found the written stories to be rather dry and the dialogue especially to be really unrealistic and stupid-sounding.

Hermione: Wanna have your voice go over the shadow puppets?

Ron: Yeah, sure, I'd love—

Hermione: Go fuck yourself.

Xenophilius: *goes to window* Hey look, a crow.

Crow: OH NO I DROPPED A FEATHER MY LIFE HAS NO MEANING WHY DIDN'T I FLY SOUTH ARE CROWS ONE OF THOSE SPECIES OF BIRDS THAT JUST DON'T FLY SOUTH FOR THE WINTER OR WHAT I CAN'T USE WIKIPEDIA I'M A FUCKING CROW.

Feather: WHEEEEEEE! *floats toward river or stream or whatever that is*

Hermione: And now I have to start over. Thanks for nothing, Ron.

Feather: *lands on surface of water, making everything go all sepia and shadow puppetness and epicosity*

Hermione: "In time, the brothers reached a river too treacherous to pass. But being learned in the magical arts, they didn't bother to Disapparate to the other side, either because Apparition hadn't been invented yet or because they had to be stupid in order for the story to work the way Beedle intended. So they made a bridge with grass and shit, because that's safe and sturdy."

Book readers: THIS DOESN'T FOLLOW THE TALE OF THE THREE BROTHERS WORD-FOR-WORD! THIS MOVIE FUCKING SUCKS!

Antioch: I'm the oldest, so I get to go first.

Cadmus: I'm really getting sick of this bullshit.

Ignotus: IKR.

Death: *appears in leafy tornado thing* 'Sup.

Peverells: Oh hey!

Death: So non-suicidal people avoid death every chance they get if possible, I'm not entirely sure why I'm only hacked off that you three in particular didn't drown, but I guess you three are just special and unique snowflakes, aren't you.

Antioch: I AM WALKING TOWARDS YOU.

Death: Well you're a bright one, aren't you. Wanna present?

Antioch: HELLZ YEAH. I LIKE TO BLOW SHIT UP.

Death: Well since guns and dynamite haven't been invented yet I don't think possibly maybe, here's a wand that I fashioned from the elder tree that I just materialized from. As such, I kinda pulled it out of my hand.Ooowww…

Antioch: YAY IMMA GO KILL PEOPLE NOW! *leaves*

Cadmus: …Hmm…I don't like you very much.

Death: You don't say.

Cadmus: I wanna rub in your face that I cheated you. Gimme a way I can call people back from the dead and stuff.

Death: …Okay, but only because I like your goatee thing.

Cadmus: Awesome.

Hermione: "So Death plucked a stone from the river, and by plucked it from the river I mean made it burst into existence between his hands as though he'd just conjured it out of thin air. Same thing, really."

Cadmus: …That's a really smooth and precisely shaped pebble.

Death: Just piss off already, go make a ring out of it or something.

Cadmus: Wha…This is way too big to make into a ring! Unless I can shrink such a powerfully magical object?

Death: Iunno. Next!

Ignotus: …I just want something that'll hide me from you for a while, I'd like to live a while longer if you don't mind.

Death: …Fine.

Hermione: "And so it was that Death reluctantly handed over his own Cloak of Invisibility, which is kind of a stupid move because that would mean that he's currently visible and we should be able to see him all the damn time so we'd be able to avoid him better. Also look how gorgeous this animation is."

Death: Well I didn't really hand over my own cloak to you so much as trim a bit off my long flowing sleeve so I can still hide from people if I tuck my arm in my Cloak.

Ignotus: This whole thing makes no sense. Huh…Kinda small, don't you think?

Death: What, you expected it to be able to cover three people or something?

Ignotus: Well it would've been nice if it could cover at least four…though I suppose if one could turn into something rather small it would suffice well enough…Hee hee, it's sparkly. I like watching the sparkly sparkles with sparkle powers of sparkliness.

Nostalgia Critic: Fuck yeah, sparkle sparkle sparkle!

Death: …I'm so pleased that my gifts went to such intelligent, deserving people.

Hermione: "The first brother went on a killing spree with the Elder Wand, always making sure to tell anyone around him that he had the most powerful wand ever made and showing off with a bunch of charms and curses and things and lots and lots of murder. That night, he left it on the bedside table on practically the other side of the room like a dumbass, so some dude was easily able to take it for himself and kill the bastard to make sure he wouldn't follow. And this candle effect with the tannish bloodstain across the black screen is so freaking cool. But yeah, Death was all, 'One down, two to go,' and stuff."

Cadmus: I AM OPENING A DOOR. And I'm not sure how I know to turn the stone exactly three times in order to get it to work, but whatevs.

Hermione: "To his delight, the girl he'd once hoped to marry before her untimely death from mysterious and unknown causes appeared before him, conveniently in a sparkly wedding dress and veil and things. Apparently the cause of death was fucking starvation. Jesus, she's thinner than Death! Who's a fucking skeleton! CHRIST!"

Cadmus: I LIKE WATCHING HER.

Hermione: "But eventually the white part of her dress flaked away, revealing a much darker dress underneath. Bereft of the shiny that once made up the dress, Cadmus killed himself to avoid being stuck in a room with such horrible wallpaper any longer. And check out how he hangs himself, and then the camera pans upward and Death's holding onto the tiny little rope with his fingers, as if the second brother was merely a puppet and Death, the puppet master. WHOA."

iheartmwpp: Okay, for the whole Marauder backstory, I understand it could get kind of boring to just stand around and listen to Moony monologue, in film anyway. (Except that I've seen Naked and am therefore fully confident that David Thewlis could've held our attention perfectly; apparently the filmmakers did not have this level of faith in the actors they hired.) Which is why I think it would've been totally awesome if the filmmakers had thought of this animation idea four films earlier; wouldn't it've been amazing if we could see weird-ass shadow puppets of the Marauders running around under a full moon?!

Hermione: "As for the third brother, Death searched for many years, but he was never able to find him. Now bereft of an Invisibility Cloak, the third brother could see him just fine and would often lift his hood slightly directly behind Death's back, teasing him mercilessly. The third brother himself evidently never took off the Cloak until he was quite old, and yet somehow managed to find a woman who didn't mind this strange habit of his, who was even willing to do the nasty under the Cloak in order to give him a son, who looks quite young in this shot so there must've been quite a huge age gap between the boy's father and mother. Then again, considering the time period this may have been written in, 'a great age' could very well mean like thirty or something. But yeah, the third brother took off the Cloak, gave it to his son, and then forced his son to watch him die as Death flew off with him. Nice chap. I mean sure, he was prepared to die, but I bet the kid wasn't! Way to traumatize the poor bugger for life, asshole!"

Xenophilius: Hey look, more birds. But yeah, those are the Deathly Hallows.

Harry: …Wait, are you talking about the brothers, or…

Xenophilius: …Hang on, I have a pen and a clean sheet of paper somewhere, just give me a second…Ah, here we go. Come over here for a quick sec, would you?

Ron: Sure thing, just let me block the view of what is most likely an Erumpent horn in the background. Nice shoutout to the book, that.

Hermione: Too bad we couldn't see Luna's friendly paintings of friendly friendship friends.

Ron: Eh, they're in the Lego game. Look pretty awesome, too.

Hermione: Oh, sweet.

Xenophilius: It's actually easier to make it look right if you draw the triangle from top to bottom and back up, then a line down the middle, then a circle within the triangle all without even lifting the pen or pencil or whatever, but I'm gonna describe each thing in the order it was described in the story so bear with me if it looks like crap.

Harry: M'kay.

Xenophilius: A straight vertical line means the Elder Wand, the most powerful wand ever made.

Harry: Where are you going with this?

Xenophilius: A circle through the lower half of the line means the Resurrection Stone even though the stone was kind of diamond shaped, and I don't feel like describing that one, it's basically Exactly What It Says On The Tin anyway. And a triangle around the lot of it means the Cloak of Invisibility, because when you look at someone wearing a cloak from the back it does look vaguely triangular, doesn't it.

Hermione: …You don't think it's Harry's, do you?

Ron: Even if it is, let's not ever acknowledge it beyond this significant glance and never even use it again apart from one tiny scene in the next film after which it might as well have been lost forever.

Hermione: Now you're starting to make sense!

Xenophilius: *blinks* Huh, that came out pretty okay, actually. Anyway, all three of these make up the Title of the Movie, and supposedly make one master of Death. *smirks* Maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh…

Harry: Creepy…

Ron: Really hope that horn doesn't explode while we're still here…

Hermione: That mark was on a grave in Godric's Hollow.

Harry and Ron: YES, WE KNOW, THIS IS LIKE THE FIFTEENTH TIME YOU'VE MENTIONED IT, GOD.

Hermione: Who are the Peverells and do they play a role ever?

Xenophilius: *suddenly starting to freak out even though he could totally keep talking for hours if he bothered to drag the story out any longer* Pardon me. *shoves Disturbed Trio of Confusion into wall* Ignotus and his brothers Cadmus and Antioch were believed to be the creators of the Hallows. Indeed, Antioch in particular was very good at making things that go boom.

Hermione: You mean like the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch?!

Xenophilius: The very same!

Hermione: Sweet.

Ron: I'm lost, the what?

Hermione: *pulls out another book and flips to the correct page* Armaments chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one… "And St. Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this thy Hand Grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thy enemies to tiny bits in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large—"

Xenophilius: Skip a bit, sister.

Hermione: *skips in place*

Ron: I'm learning so much today!

Xenophilius: So anyway, the kettle's cold. I could just tap the kettle with my wand to heat it up again, but I do need to send a message to the Death Eaters to come and collect you, so if you'll excuse me for a moment…

Harry: Oh, of course, take your time.

Xenophilius: Thank you kindly, dear boy. *goes downstairs*

Ron: I'd like to leave.

Hermione: Agreed.

Harry: Aww, but I wanted to say hi to Luna!

Ron: Hey yeah, isn't she still outside or something?

Hermione: Strange that we still haven't seen her yet, isn't it.

Xenophilius: I'm staring at the window. Maybe that crow was my message or something. Where the hell is my wand, did they take it when they took my Luna, what the fuck.

Hermione: BOO!

Xenophilius: JESUS! *jumps about ten feet in the air* Don't do that!

Harry and Ron: *laugh uproariously and high five Hermione*

Ron: Also, despite having no desire for you to make that hideous concoction for anyone on the planet ever again, you totally forgot the water to make it and crap.

Xenophilius: Oh, whoopsidoodle! *goes over to sink*

Hermione: You really don't have to, we were gonna GTFO anyway—

Xenophilius: Sit your ass down in that chair and drink your Goddamn TEA!

Hermione: …Okay, that was genuinely frightening…

Xenophilius: *goes over and blocks the front door*

Hermione: …I'm starting to think that he might be acting a tad suspiciously…

Ron: OH MY GOD HE'S THE ORIGAMI KILLER.

Harry: Everything's the Origami Killer. Marlene McKinnon is the fucking Origami Killer.

Ron: *nods* Good one. Obscure!

Hermione: …Ain't she dead?

Harry: YYYYEP!

Hermione: Why would you even…fuck it.

Ron: I would not even fuck it!

Harry: Wait, what's this 'it' that we're even fucking?

Hermione: *facepalm*

Xenophilius: Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

Harry: I'm everyone's only hope, get in line.

Xenophilius: Hey, you know how I supported you and stuff?

Harry: Vaguely.

Xenophilius: Well apparently I pissed off some Death Eaters. Probably shouldn't have included that cartoon that implied that My Little Pony isn't that good, they got all butthurt about it. Which they really shouldn't, I'm a brony myself, I was just poking fun at what I love! They did not have to kidnap Luna over it, there's being passionate about a show you like and then there's people being douchebags.

In Shock Trio of Well Fuck: :(

Xenophilius: *walks up to Harry and pushes his hair back* If I turned you in, I could get her back.

Harry: Don't tempt me. *grips his arm* Tell me who took her, maybe we could stage a rescue or something.

Xenophilius: That one deleted scene really shouldn't have been cut, it makes the Death Eaters turning up when I say Voldemort make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Harry: What are you talking—

Five jets of black smoke: *are Death Eaters "Apparating" over there* Considering this is a dude we took a child from and promised we'd return if he delivered the Boy Who Seems To Have Mysteriously Disappeared, maybe we should actually check what's going on before straight up blowing up the house and possibly killing everyone inside…Naaaaaaaaaaah.

Hermione: I AM SCREAMING.

Harry: Help, I've fallen and I can't get up.

Ron and Hermione: So have we, apparently.

Harry: Crawl towards me!

Ron and Hermione: You crawl towards us too, then, why do we have to do all the work around here?

Death Eaters: Still blowing shit up, don't mind us.

House: *very much minds them*

Xenophilius: I think everyone thought I was screaming for my daughter, but I was actually trying to make you guys stop and tell you that I've got him.

Death Eaters: Yeah, we heard daughter too, I'm sorry but we're gonna have to keep blowing shit up and possibly killing you.

Xenophilius: …Well bollocks.

Tea kettle: *explodes*

Audiences everywhere: NOT THE TEA KETTLE! *sobs*

Harry: Still crawling.

Xenophilius: That bang startled me. *falls to the ground*

Ron and Hermione: Lovely bit of crawling we're doing, ain't it.

Debris: *is debris*

Frightened Trio of We'd Rather Not Explode, Thanks: *finally grab hold of each other and Apparate away*

House: *collapses on itself*

~…LEAST THE ERUMPENT HORN DIDN'T BLOW UP!~

Review or the Erumpent horn will explode IN YO FACE, BITCH!


	14. Teh DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, that one crossover review of Wonder Woman with Nash, Linkara, and Film Brain, Nullmetal Alchemist, Assassin's Creed III, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, Sweeney Todd, Firefly, Holy Musical B(at sign)man, Kickassia, Batman, YuYu Hakushou Abridged, Life of Brian, The Human Spider, Kara no Kyoukai, Y Ruler of Time, Suburban Knights, How to Train Your Dragon, 300, The Matrix, or David Heyman's shitty decisions.

~It's around this time that I constantly go, "HOLY SHIT THE MOVIE'S ALMOST OVER."~

Ron: That sodding bleeding daft bloody wanking dodgy shirty barmy honking shambolic buggering wonky cheeky naff! I can't believe the guy we thought was insane and creepy turned out to be kind of insane and creepy!

Harry: Hey, remember the part where Luna got kidnapped? Yeah, let's not do anything until we coincidentally run into her in like two minutes. Good thing we just found out about it, really, otherwise it would've come out of nowhere! And we can't have that, we always explain the context for things in this series! *makes sure he still has mirror shard*

Ron: And apparently we've been doing the enchantments so often that I've picked them up as well.

Harry: *drops rucksack* Cool, you do…that…Weren't we here earlier, Hermione?

Hermione: Hey yeah, wonder where my scarf went. *brushes off arms*

Snatcher: …The hell was I doing crouching like that just now?

Greyback: Dunno, but now there's at least three more of us. Did we all take a shit at the same time, what's going on?

Harry: …PANTS TO BE DARKENED.

Scabior: I like your scarf, it goes so well with my eyes.

Hermione: You would've been in my line of vision for some time, why am I only noticing you just now?

Audience: Why's it always the same group of Snatchers, you'd think there'd be more of them about.

Running Trio of How Many Times Did They Show That Behind The Scenes Thing With Them Running: We should run. *run*

Audience: …Apparate again? HELLO?!

Scabior: I'm just gonna let them pass me and let you lot snatch 'em.

Greyback: Why do you do none of the work.

Scabior: I forgot my cleats and these shoes are really slippery.

Greyback: Well that's what you get for wearing women's shoes, don't you know that they're like the definition of impracticality?

Scabior: These are Gary Oldman's old shoes from two films ago! I couldn't not wear 'em!

Harry: Back to the fact that we're running…

Ron: This scene's gonna be a bit mundane to parody, I think…

Snatcher #3: Yeah, it's just you running and us running after you, at least the first chase scene was in the air and there was more stuff to describe.

Snatcher #4: I mean, we could complain about how we're totally wearing Muggle clothes again, which it could be argued makes it easier to trek through forests and things, but that joke's getting a bit dull.

Ron: It's not a joke, it's pointing out an obvious flaw in the film design.

Hermione: Kindly stop arguing with the people who want to murder us, Ron.

Scabior: See? I'm running too! You can see my lovely new scarf flapping in the breeze!

Snatchers: Oh look, we're actually using spells now, nice.

Sprinting Trio of Panting: Huh, black spells instead of white spells, that's new.

Snatcher #5: Could've used some fast-paced, heart-pounding music right here.

Trees: *explode*

Hermione: Oh come on, what did those trees ever do to you?

Snatcher #5: Well if you didn't use them as shields we would've caught up to you and they wouldn't've had to explode!

Even More Running Trio of Just Hurry Up And Catch Us Already: We are now in a clearing type thing where there are few trees. It sure is a good thing that they're not throwing spells at us right now.

Harry: *looks behind his shoulder* Shouldn't have done that. *trips and tumbles over*

Ron: *ducks a spell that hits a log*

Harry: These are my legs.

Everyone: *…still running…zzzzz…*

Hermione: Okay, I'm bored.

Scabior: I'm not for some reason.

Ron: Wheeeee.

Snatchers #3 and #4: This is so much fun. I'm having the time of my life, aren't you. *one of them throws a spell*

Ron: Seriously, why didn't we just grab onto each other and Apparate somewhere else again?

Harry and Hermione: Well if you could keep up—

Ron: Oh fuck you two!

Snatcher #4: I appear to be the only one who didn't graduate from Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy. *hits Ron with chains*

Ron: NIPPLE SCROTUMS!

Snatcher #5: One down, two to go. There are a lot of branches right here.

Harry: I FUCKING HATE ASSASSINS.

Snatcher #5, hereafter known as Connor: WHEEEEEEEEE WHY COULDN'T YOU DO THIS IN ANY OF THE OTHER GAMES WHEEEEEEEEEE!

Harry: …Running…

Some other Asssassin: Wheeeee… *gets ahead of Harry and jumps in front of him* Finally, something exciting! IMMA MAKE YOU TRIP!

Harry: Yeah, but I'm just gonna get back up again. Why didn't you use your wand, I was in point blank range!

Some other Assassin: Iunno.

Hermione: Way to make those chains hit a tree. *casts another black spell to make the ground explode*

Snatchers: Help, we've fallen and we can't get up.

Hermione: *keeps running and stops*

Greyback: Can we get this over with, I am starving.

Hermione: Hey, a threatening guy and the soundtrack's suddenly tense. TIME TO PUNCH MY BEST FRIEND IN THE FACE!

Harry: …I'm sorry, what?!

Hermione: *blasts Harry in the face*

Harry: *falls over, face morphing* I don't really know what you're hoping to accomplish, Greyback already got a look at me and he'll be able to recognize me easily from the attack on the Burrow last year—OH SHIT HORCRUX OW-FACE.

Voldemort: I'm calling Harry's name for some reason even though I'm totally talking to Grindelwald. MY PLAN IS GREAT.

Young Grindelwald flashback: *is still singing* I'll steeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaal yooooouuuuuu, Johaaaaaaannaaaaaaa!

Nurmengard: *exists*

Voldemort: Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Yosaffbridge. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. Grindelwald.

Gindelwald: I heard you the first time, you noseless freak. And why are you repeating my name over and over when you're not even in the room yet.

Voldemort: GRAR! FEAR ME, FOR I AM MENACING!

Grindelwald: I'm sure you are, Tom, I'm sure you are. Nice of you to drop in, by the way, bit lonely, see. But surely you must know I don't have Johanna anymore, I mean, this is a fucking prison, and inmates possessing weapons, especially wands, is kind of discouraged.

Voldemort: Don't call me Shirley and tell me where it is now, then.

Grindelwald: I'm selling out my former friend/possible lover! YAY GOING COMPLETELY AGAINST CHARACTER!

Voldemort: Hey, we've got to keep the plot moving, the first half's almost over.

Grindelwald: Yeah, but you end up going to Albus's tomb anyway, so the point is moot, really.

Voldemort: Ah, so it's in Dumbledore's tomb, is it?

Grindelwald: …Oh bugger, I fucked it up.

Dumbledore: These flashbacks of me are kind of annoying and pointless.

Grindelwald: Hey man.

Dumbledore: How ya doin', my little cuddle bunny?

Grindelwald: Al, I told you not to call me that!

Dumbledore: Oh you know you love it.

Grindelwald: *giggles and blushes*

Voldemort: Oh this is just nauseating, I'm outta here.

Grindelwald: …Wait, you're not killing me?

Voldemort: NOPE!

Grindelwald: …Why not?

Voldemort: Iunno, 'cause you helped me, I guess.

Grindelwald: …But I'm supposed to die.

Voldemort: So?

Grindelwald: Well you're sparing one person, people are gonna be pissed and wonder why you're not sparing other, far more likable and popular people.

Voldemort: …People do like their Marauders, don't they.

Grindelwald: Many people indeed, and that would actually make sense as one of them is the director's favorite character—

Voldemort: I didn't know Yates liked Wormtail so much!

Grindelwald: …Wut.

Voldemort: Awesome, thanks for the suggestion! Laterz!

Grindelwald: …What have I wrought upon the world. *dissolves into total misery*

Harry: Well that was fun. Why can't I see and why does my face hurt.

Hermione: I'm stealing your glasses.

Harry: They already saw me with them on. Also I should really not be trusting you right now considering you just HEXED ME IN THE FACE, but finding out that the Title of the Movie is a real thing is distracting me. But yeah, He-Who-Is-Trying-To-Reign-Supreme-Over-The-Known-Universe is after the Elder Wand, and he knows exactly where to find it. Why does my face feel so spongey and bloated.

Greyback: I am lifting what was originally my main source of intake and offering it to some other guy. I miss having an actual role to play.

Hermione: I'm having so much fun right now.

Ron: I WILL KICK YOUR FACE IN AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS.

Greyback: No you won't.

Ron: Why not?

Greyback: I summon my fist! In attack mode! *punches him in the stomach* You lose five hundred life points!

Hermione: But he was in facedown position!

Scabior: I bet he's like that a lot, amirite?

Hermione: …

Ron: Oh, thanks for sticking up for me, love, really appreciate it.

Scabior: What happened to you, ugly?

Greyback: I will literally eat your face off, you little bitch.

Scabior: No not you.

Harry: Wait, since when were you holding me?

Greyback: Iunno. Hey, you look different than you just did five seconds ago, why is that?

Scabior: That's not important even though it's a really obvious detail. What's your name anyway?

Harry: …No one's ever asked me that since I entered the Wizarding World…

Scabior: Out with it already!

Harry: Hang on a sec, I want to imprint this into my memory forever…Okay, now then, my name's…Demelza Robbins.

Scabior: …Someone make sure, it sounds kinda dumb.

Greyback: Can I eat your face off?

Harry: Please don't.

Greyback: Aww. :(

Hermione: Kindly let me go.

Snatcher: Hey, be lucky I'm only holding you by the shoulders, if we were actual bad guys I don't think I'd be as friendly.

Scabior: And you, person I'm harboring clearly strong desires of sleeping with, with or without your consent, why do people insist on fangirling over me, I'm clearly a fucking rapist…Anyway, what's your name?

Hermione: …Moaning Myrtle. And even though everyone knows she's Muggle-born Imma pretend she's half-blood.

Scabior: I'm going to fiddle with your hair, lean in close as if to kiss you, and sniff you, while you are completely unable to move or stop me.

Hermione: HOW CAN ANYONE WANT TO BE IN THIS SITUATION. Also why am I not just kneeing you in the crotch or kicking you in the shin or something.

Different Snatcher: There's a Demelza Robbins on here, but she's I believe a fourth year Gryffindor currently attending Hogwarts unless she was one of the lucky ones who left the country.

Greyback: You might want to tell the truth this time, or I'll make good on my promise. And actually be a little true to character.

Harry: *bursts out laughing*

Greyback: …Yeah, I don't really know why I bother trying anymore.

Hermione: I could stomp on your foot, I could headbutt you in the teeth…

Snatcher: Yep. Just keep failing, I got nothing better to do.

Scabior: Imma lift up your fringe, since we apparently are knowledgeable enough to know that the Boy Who's Been Missing For Months Now is never without a male ginger and a brunette hottie.

Ron: Well this is humiliating. *is on the ground with a Snatcher's foot holding him steady* Wait, why am I not trying to knock him over, he's not exactly balanced. Hell, wasn't I just chained ten seconds ago, what happened to those, they were way more efficient.

Scabior: This vaguely resembles an N. Which is supposed to be a lightning bolt but isn't really. Yeah, we gotta go higher up than the Ministry.

Harry: Oh good, I can handle anyone less evil than Umbridge, let's do this.

~Wait, why did they even go back there in the first place? Did they run out of places in Britain to shoot at or what?~

Malfoy Manor: I AM TALL AND DARK AND IMPOSING AND SHIT.

Gate: WHAT SHE SAID.

Scabior: We're not bothering to bind them or anything, they could probably fight back at any time, but why use our wands to do anything useful ever.

Harry: Oh no, you are holding onto my jacket which I could slip out of and fight back against you and steal your wand and help the other two escape, but I can't possibly leave my jacket behind! *sobs*

Hermione: Yeah, this is basically really pathetic.

Snatcher #3: It almost seems like I'm holding hands with you or something.

Ron: Seriously, this guy, Scabior, and Greyback are the only ones that stuck around, why aren't we even attempting to fight back?

Kidnapped Trio of Idiocy and Snatchers: WE ARE NOW AT THE GATE.

Gate: Oh good, I've been looking forward to seeing some new faces!

Bellatrix: Oh hey, it's that Mudblood and Weasel that Potter's always hanging out with. But who's this new guy, I wonder?

Harry: It's really a good thing that this lot really is that stupid.

Scabior: *shoves Harry's face into the gate*

Bellatrix: Hey, he's got nice blue eyes, but Potter's are supposed to be green so I have no clue who this is.

Scabior: *pushes Harry's fringe back* This may or may not be important.

Bellatrix: …Well I have no bloody clue, make Draco figure it out, that way we can just blame him.

Hermione: …Why is the camera focusing on me?

~Hey, wouldn't it suck if the movie ended here? 'Cause this was the original place they were thinking of ending it at.~

Bellatrix: *pulls Harry up by the hair* His voice sounds the same and his jaw looks the same, but I just can't tell, do you think you could check for me.

Draco: I love how idiotic we're being right now. *looks behind him* So, Weasley. What do you think of my manor?

Ron: It's gloomy…and old…and the floorboards are wrought with tears of sorrow.

Draco: …Huh. Well when you put it like that, it seems kind of depre—

Ron: I like it!

Draco: I know, it's so awesome, right?!

Greyback: I was just hanging onto the Mudblood, how come I'm now holding the ginger.

Bellatrix: Yes, all of that's lovely, can we get on with it already?

Draco: Why are you all being so stupid, it's obviously…

Bellatrix: Who? Who is it? Tell us, dear nephew, we really don't have any clue whether it's Potter or not!

Draco: …not him.

Lucius: *grabs him by the back of the neck*

Draco: …Ow?!

Lucius: Sorry, just kind of anxious. Do you think you could take a closer look, just to be sure, I mean I certainly have no idea if it's him or not and you're the only one who would know because why bother torturing two people who we definitely know are Weasley and Granger to find out if the third person they're travelling with is Potter or not.

Draco: Well when you put it like that, it just makes all adults seem especially incompetent.

Lucius: Look, if we are the ones to hand Potter over to the Dark Lord, we'll…be his number one…a-guys.

Scabior: Yeah, except we'll be the ones who handed Potter over to the Dark Lord, us being the ones who actually did all the work while you stayed in your fancy manor with your fancy wineglass.

Lucius: DON'T YOU DARE DISS THE WINEGLASS!

Narcissa: Oh pipe down, would you.

Lucius: Yes'm.

Ron: *gigglesnort* Coughcoughwhippedcouch.

Hermione: Oh pipe down, would you.

Ron: Yes'm.

Bellatrix: Back to the part where you were going to figure shit out for us, sweetie? *pulls him over by the hand* So if you think it's him and we call him and you're wrong, he'll go on a massive killing spree and slaughter everyone within a five-mile radius. No pressure!

Draco: Lovely. *stares deeply into Harry's eyes* Hey, man.

Harry: Hey.

Draco: Your face is really messed up, brah.

Harry: Yeah, I've been hearing that a lot lately.

Bellatrix: Yes, what happened there, was he born that way, or…?

Scabior: We caught him like that, but before we chased him he looked normal-ish and was wearing glasses, it was a pretty quick change.

Bellatrix: Well in that case, maybe it was a Stinging Jinx. Must've been the Mudblood.

Draco: Finally, a scrap of intelligence is found.

Greyback: I love hugs! *huggles*

Ron and Hermione: We're not very huggy people.

Bellatrix: LET'S CHECK WHAT HER LAST SPELL WAS WITH HER WAND! Finite incantatem is just far too difficult for an extremely capable witch like myself!

Draco: And that put an end to that.

Harry: …This is just getting awkward, and my knees hurt.

Draco: Yeah, perhaps I should go…

Narcissa: *taps him on the shoulder* You can get up now, you kind of look dumb staying like that.

Bellatrix: Hopefully this'll work, I'm not sure what else we could do—SHIT NOT THE SHINY.

Sword: I are shiny.

Bellatrix: …What the fuck.

Snatcher #3: Yeah, I know, Muggle clothes, blame the costume designers, they're the ones who made us look this way—

Bellatrix: No, the sword thing.

Snatcher #3: Oh, she didn't stuff the bag down her sock this time, so I took a look through it. There was a shitload of books and clothes and things, I think she grabbed the other kid's rucksacks before she started running because how else would they have the Invisibility Cloak and the Marauder's Map next film, so I also have those but they aren't important, uh, mushrooms, a busted piece of jewelry, some random perfume bottles for no reason, a Snitch, and possibly the portrait of a Hogwarts headmaster except probably not. But none of those are important, this is the only thing that's valuable. Also finders keepers, so nyah.

Bellatrix: No. That's very naughty. *blasts him into the wall* Now you lay there and think about what you did. While unconscious. With fluid leaking out of you—oh, dear.

Greyback: Well that was weird.

Bellatrix: *conjures a black snake that starts strangling Greyback for no reason*

Greyback: I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIAL!

Scabior: What the fuck, bitch?!

Bellatrix: Oh, just for that, Imma use this whip that I'm conjuring from the end of my wand to flip you around and stuff.

Scabior: Ow, ow, why did I insist on doing my own stunts without a mat, ooowww…

Bellatrix: GTFO, both of you.

Greyback: What, you're not gonna kill this guy? Seriously, he won't be missed.

Bellatrix: Yeah, I really don't know why I'm not.

Scabior: Eh, least it means I'll be in the next movie. *gets up and limps away*

Greyback: Yeah, me too, I guess…Hopefully I'll be reinstated to my former status, I didn't really mind being a thug, but this is akin to being a comic relief villain. Hey, do you think you could help get this snake off me?

Scabior: I'll think about it.

Bellatrix: Cissy, dear, would you mind putting Weasley and Whoever This Is in the cellar for me?

Narcissa: Sigh, fine. *grabs Harry and Ron*

Wormtail: I'm still in the movie!

Harry and Ron: Oh, brilliant.

Bellatrix: It's torture time, bitch!

Hermione: …Am I taller than you?

Bellatrix: Possibly.

Wormtail: *thwows Hawwy and Won to the floor*

Dr. Insano: Gentlemen, I am Dr. Insano. Welcome to my creepy basement.

Ron: Oh we are not becoming the fucking Human Spider!

Dr. Insano: Ah poop. *leaves*

Wormtail: Yep. Still have a silver hand. Will it play any kind of role? Tune in to find out!

Harry: I hate that guy.

Ron: At least you didn't have to clean up his excrement three years in a row.

Harry: At least you still have parents!

Ron: That's all in the past now, we have to focus on the present. And Hermione being tortured. We should probably take steps to prevent that.

Luna: Hey, I know that voice! HI RON!

Harry and Ron: …What the hell. *Ron clicks the Deluminator and the light from…whenever the last time he clicked it was goes into a convenient empty lantern on a table*

Luna: *is now visible* HI HARRY! Check it out, I'm not tied up at all! Those guys must be pretty damn confident that we won't be able to get out, huh?

Harry: The hell did you get down here, and I cannot see a damn thing, must've just recognized you by your voice.

Bellatrix: I have laid you out on the floor as if you're about to be crucified. Wonder if that symbolizes anything…Also where'd you get the sword and how did you break into Gringotts without anyone finding out, that's kind of impossible.

Hermione: *sobbing* Please don't let this turn into a rape scene, please don't let this turn into a rape scene…

Sick fanfic writers: *turn this into a rape scene. Or a love scene. Either way, what the fuck*

Hermione: …Did not expect this pairing to be this popular…

Bellatrix: So did you take anything else? And if you did, can I have it back please?

Hermione: If we did, wouldn't that one Snatcher have wanted to take it as well? I mean, what did he have in his pocketses?

Bellatrix: Oh yeah, I should really check on that…

Hermione: But we didn't go anyway, that's next film. Thanks to this tip-off. Way to dig your own grave, bitch.

Bellatrix: Oh that's it! Just for that, I'm going to do something that both Helena and Emma came up with together, not realizing that everyone would read Holocaust imagery into it, and not bother with using my wand or the Cruciatus Curse.

Hermione: …One knife carving cannot be nearly as painful as the sensation of thousands of white hot knives piercing every square inch of flesh. Cruciatus pwns knife, what the hell are you playing at?

Bellatrix: Oh I'm sorry, do you want to be crucio'd?

Hermione: Not particularly, I'm just saying you're dumb for not crucioing me.

Bellatrix: Just shut up and bleed already. *moves to cut into her right arm, but then it shows her carving into Hermione's left arm. Don't you hate it when cameras are backward like that? The same thing happened in one of the scenes in Return of the King, suddenly all of Frodo's scrapes were on the other side of his face*

Hermione: Ooooooh, the pain. *starts screaming in agony—Holy shit she can act!*

Ron: Oh no. The woman of my dreams is screaming in agony. We should probably do something, and quickly. I am vaguely anxious. Does anyone have any ideas—Hey Harry, when'd you get your glasses back, I thought Hermione had them.

R/Hr shippers: OI! What happened to Ron's mega-freakout, I was looking forward to that!

Ollivander: I am also in this scene. Also we tried to get out and couldn't. Which sucks.

Griphook: Dean Thomas isn't here, quit asking.

Ron: We didn't, but okay. He dead?

Griphook: He'll be at Hogwarts next film, Iunno what happened.

Ron: Huh. Weird.

Harry: Eh, no one heard that radio anyway. *bends down and takes the mirror shard out of his sock*

Luna: Cool, an improvised weapon concealed in your sock. This really is an action movie, isn't it.

Harry: Okay, no one think I'm weird, but I thought I saw someone in the other side, so Imma try something.

Hermione: I shall distract the others by continuously screaming.

Ron: Please hurry up. And stuff.

Aberforth: What do you want.

Harry: For Ron to be a better actor than me again, this is a weird flip thing, I'm acting way more panicked than he is. Also send help, we're kind of about to die.

Aberforth: Okay, where are you?

Wormtail: Coming back down the stairs now—Hey, where'd that light come from?

Ron: *clicks the Deluminator again* You saw nothing.

Wormtail: I am convinced. *opens door*

Ron: Hey, do you think you could get Hermione out for us? Repay your debt to Harry, that kind of thing?

Wormtail: Did I ever come across as being competent to you?

Ron: …No you did not, why am I not just grabbing your wand out of your hand right now.

Wormtail: Probably because Potter told you how strong my new hand is.

Harry: No I didn't, I have no evidence of that in this version.

Wormtail: …Whatever, I just need the goblin.

Ron: …Still can't believe I let you sleep in my bed.

Wormtail: Yep, good times.

Griphook: I really don't want to know the context. *walks out the gate door thing, but looks back momentarily*

Harry: …Is this supposed to be a pleading look to tell Bellatrix the sword's a fake? We really should've established something like this or something.

Wormtail: *closes and locks the door nonverbally. Still can't perform a Silencing Charm for shit, though*

Ron: As I light the place up again…

Dobby: *Apparates in and bursts into song* Here Dobby comes to save the daaaaaaaay! *turns around and sees Harry* DOBBY WANTS HUGGLES.

Harry: Maybe in a bit, how did you find us when I didn't give the dude in the mirror any kind of address or anything?

Dobby: Dobby has no idea, but Dobby insisted on saving Harry Potter somehow. Dobby will always be there for Harry Potter!

Book readers: *start sobbing loudly*

Harry: So you conveniently have magical elvish powers that allow you to Apparate in and out of this place at will with or without other people tagging along for the ride?

Dobby: Of course I can! Oh no, Dobby just spoke in first person. DOBBY IS A VERY BAD ELF!

Harry: No you're not, you're brilliant, I'm just wondering why we never bother using Kreacher for any of this stuff since I own him and he is actually willing to follow my orders nowadays.

Dobby: Dobby is willing to help too.

Harry: I know, I'm just saying. Do you think you could Apparate in and out of places like Hogwarts and Gringotts as well?

Dobby: Probably, Harry Potter, sir.

Ron: Brilliant, I think we've got a game plan for the rest of the series.

Harry: Right, Dobby, while I could totally ask you to just grab Hermione and Griphook who are in the most immediate danger and come back for us after, instead I want you to take Luna and Mr. Ollivander—

Ron: To Bill's place, which I know exactly where it is despite not having been there apparently in this version.

Harry: Thought Bill was Secret Keeper.

Ron: He is.

Harry: Then why could you tell us just now?

Ron: 'Cause even in the books the Fidelius Charm barely works anymore.

Luna: Ready when you are, Your Magesty.

Dobby: …I think I'm in love. Why is Dobby speaking in first person, has it been so long that the filmmakers forgot how house-elves are supposed to talk or what. *goes over and holds Luna and Ollivander's hands* Meet me—Meet Dobby at the top of the stairs in ten seconds.

Harry: Wait, could you open the door for us or something?

Dobby: NOPE!

Harry: Well you're only marginally useful, aren't you.

Dobby: *beams* Dobby is so happy, Harry Potter, sir! Nothing short of Dobby's untimely death could ruin things now! *Disapparates*

Ron: Apparently I clicked the Dilluminator again offscreen or something, since it's suddenly dark again.

Wormtail: Who am I supposed to get this time, why am I even coming back down here.

Book readers: *sit up in anticipation*

Movie watchers: 'Sup?

Book readers: Hee hee hee! *flail limbs*

Movie watchers: …Wait, does he—

Book readers: Uh-huh! *dissolve into excited giggles*

Movie watchers: Oh this is gonna be sweet. *also lean forward in anticipation*

Wormtail: *unlocks door and comes in*

Bright light: *hits him in the back*

Wormtail: I think that was a Stunner, but I'm not sure, it wasn't red and it was behind me anyway. *falls over*

Audience: …Was that it? That's all we get for the man who sent Voldemort after Harry's parents?!

David Heyman: I liked the desks too, but if you think about it, in a film which has grown up, that's kind of juvenile. It's like Peter Pettigrew strangling himself.

iheartmwpp: …Imma ramble on about anime again, bear with me. So there's this absolutely brilliant and gorgeous film series, Kara no Kyoukai, also known as Garden of Sinners, and in the first film (well, the fourth, chronologically…it's all rather confusing BUT TOTALLY WORTH IT) the main character, Shiki, gets her false arm under the control of this girl who can move things with her mind. Not only is she forced to strangle herself, but she's also perilously close to falling off a building. The scene was absolutely horrifying, and if I hadn't known that there were six more films and that Shiki was the main character anyway, I would've been positive that she would've died. They managed to make that terrifying. And it was a cartoon. If a cartoon can make that convincingly horrifying, why can't you, with your multi-million dollar budget, DO THE SAME FUCKING THING?!

Audience: Okay, we don't care how at this point, we just want him fucking dead.

Harry and Ron: Well forget about him, he's not nor has he ever been in any way important—

Audience: *bellow of incoherent rage*

Dobby: Caught the wand, who wants it.

Ron: Dibs.

Harry: Ah poop.

Snatcher #3: I still appear to be unconscious.

Harry: That's lovely for you.

Snitch: I have the potential to give you all away.

Harry: Please don't.

Bellatrix: So, goblin, I'm only going to ask you whatever I've evidently already asked you one more time, and then I'll completely stop and leave you alone forever.

Goblin: We've been over this, I don't know.

Bellatrix: I didn't even re-ask the question yet! And why weren't you doing your job, anyway?

Griphook: Because I was on the run in the woods because I didn't want to die by your hand.

Ron: Harry, what have I told you about taking the Snitch out?

Harry: Sorry, I'll try to keep it in my trousers next time. *catches the Snitch and puts it back in his pocketses*

Bellatrix: WHY IS YOUR HAIR BLUISH.

Griphook: It's the lighting, ya dumb bitch!

Bellatrix: Oh, okay then. Now, did you happen to hear about any recent break-ins at Azkaban, by any chance?

Camera: I AM BLURRY!

Hermione: I'm kind of unhappy right now, and my arm hurts like a bitch.

Griphook: The sword was in the vault the last time I was there, I dunno what to tell you.

Camera: Oh, I'm following a hair, okay.

Hermione: Well isn't that convenient that one of her hairs fell onto my jacket. I must burn this later.

Hermione's left arm: I have the word Mudblood carved into me, with a tiny drop of blood spilling out of the first d when probably all eight letters should be bleeding profusely, but I know nothing about injuries.

Hermione: Also…these letters are kinda small, I was expecting great big gashes all up and down this thing. Hell, the word Mudblood might've been carved into my forehead so I'd really be humiliated for the rest of my life, but…Well, I can cover this. Sleeves, I win.

Bellatrix: …Damn, Muddy's got a point. I shall take my anger out on this goblin who apparently allowed the sword to sprout legs and walk out on its own.

Griphook: Well it is kinda sorta a special sword, who knows the full extent of its powers. But there's no safer place then Gringotts, so nyah.

Harry: …Which is why Dumbledore took the Philosopher's Stone out of Gringotts and put it in Hogwarts.

Ron: To bait He-Who-Was-Behind-A-Turban-At-The-Time, putting obstacles three first years could get past in front of it.

Harry: Guess it evens out, yeah.

Bellatrix: LUAU! *cuts a bitch*

Griphook: …The fuck is wrong with you.

Bellatrix: For some reason, I'm just not in much of a killing mood today, so Imma leave you alive. *blows hair out of her face*

Griphook: My makeup is spectacular, WHY DIDN'T WE WIN AT THE OSCARS THIS IS SO NOT FAIR.

Bellatrix: Actually, I've changed my mind, Imma kill the Mudblood.

Ron: Hey Bellatrix, I've got a question for you.

Bellatrix: What is it?

Ron: Doesn't your face sting with all those bruises?

Bellatrix: What bruises?

Ron: THE ONES I'M ABOUT TO GIVE YOU! *runs forward*

Hermione: Oh, at last! My knight in shining armor has come to rescue me! *swoons*

Y Ruler of Time: And feminism marches on.

Ron: Expelliarmus!

Bellatrix: OI!

Harry: Yoink!

Lucius: My turn—Oh, right, it blowed up. *sniffs* Least I still have you, Snakey… *nuzzles snake head thing*

Harry: Stupefy!

Lucius: *flies backwards* The current time is 3:55. Thank you for flying Painful Airlines. *passes out*

Harry and Ron: *shoot white hexes at Narcissa and Draco, who block it*

Ron: Hey, we're pushing them back! And I'm fighting against a presumably fully-trained Dark Witch. I REALLY AM COMPETENT!

Bellatrix: Yeah, but I haz a hostage.

Harry: Oh bugger.

Bellatrix: Mind dropping your wands for me? Thanks.

Hermione: I'm not really fond of the whole "knife at my throat" thing.

Bellatrix: Just put up with it for a bit longer, dearie. I said DROP 'EM!

Harry and Ron: We heard you the first time. *drop their wands*

Bellatrix: Slave, grab them for me, will you.

Draco: M'kay. *picks them up*

Bellatrix: …Was talking to Lucius, but whatever. Oh look, Harry Potter.

Hermione: Oops, shouldn't have set it for only five minutes. Sorry guys, my bad!

Bellatrix: Not too bad a haircut this time around, I must say.

Hermione: Oh, thanks!

Bellatrix: And now we can call the Dark Lord and watch him die!

Ron: …No thanks…?

Bellatrix: Call him. Someone. I don't care who, just someone.

Harry: NO, DRACO! DON'T DO IT!

Draco: Er…

Lucius: If you won't, I will.

Bellatrix: I said someone, just get a move on already!

Griphook: I am short.

Harry: Yo, Narcissa, your hair looks even stupider than last film, why didn't you just dye it completely platinum blonde like the other two so obviously did, you're even more obvious than they are!

Narcissa: I will enjoy watching you die.

Lucius: Well if my little pouf of a son won't do it, I suppose I'll have to. *glares at son* Remind me to spank your cheeks as red as cherries later.

Draco: *mumbling* Yes, Father.

Lucius: *makes a big show of pulling up the sleeve of his jacket, then his shirt*

Bellatrix: Oh, just roll them up really quickly and get on with it!

Lucius: *raises hand several feet above Dark Mark* I'm gonna do it! It's gonna be awesome! Is everyone looking at me, because I'm about to summon the Dark Lord! You're not gonna wanna miss it! Can you all see me? I'm just about to do it!

Hermione: I can't.

Lucius: That's all right. Bella, lower her head slightly so she can see, would you?

Hermione: I wouldn't look anyway, I'm too busy looking at Dobby.

Bellatrix: Wait, what? *looks up at the squeaky noise*

Lucius, Ron, and Harry: …The hell?

Dobby: Why didn't Dobby bring a screwdriver. Hell, why isn't Dobby using magic, why would a wizarding household even use screws, wouldn't these be held up with magic in the first place?!

McGonagall: It unscrews the other way.

Bellatrix: I'm so amazed that I'm just gonna stand here and stare.

Hermione: Suddenly I'm glad I didn't invent SPEW, I'm grateful that his heart's in the right place, but I'm not so grateful that he's about to drop the chandelier on mah head.

Dobby: Got it!

Chandelier: WHEEEEEE!

Bellatrix: I don't know why I'm pushing the Mudblood away as I dodge it myself, one would thing I'd want to see her crushed.

Ron: I've got you, my lady fair!

Hermione: Oh Ron, you're so brave and handsome and strong!

Y Ruler of Time: …Yeah, and feminism marches on. *grumbles*

Draco: Well that was nowhere near me, but still, dodged that one!

Harry: That's nice for you. Say, can I have those three wands you're carrying?

Draco: What—NO YOU MAY NOT!

Harry: Too bad. Now I am the master of the Elder Wand! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! *runs off*

Draco: …Well crap.

Lucius: I'm okay!

Harry: Stupefy!

Lucius: …Less okay…

Harry: YAY WE'RE ALL TOGETHER AGAIN!

Hermione: I'm traumatized for life.

Harry: That's nice for you.

Griphook: When did I get over here? And when did I get the sword?

Bellatrix: Stupid elf! You can't kill me!

Dobby: Dobby never meant to kill! Dobby only meant to maim or seriously injure!

Narcissa: No, IT'S CAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING ELF! *starts to cast a spell*

Dobby: Yeah no. *snaps fingers*

Narcissa: Aww, now we're all wandless.

Dobby: Hey cool, Dobby has a wand now.

Bellatrix: YOU ARE INFERIOR! HOW DARE YOU GO AGAINST YOUR RIGHTFUL PLACE IN THE WORLD, AND GO AGAINST PEOPLE WHO WERE ONCE YOUR MASTERS?!

Dobby: Dobby's still holding onto Mistress Narcissa's wand, Dobby wonders how Master Draco will be getting hold of it next film…But that doesn't matter now, because Dobby will always do what is right and will protect Harry Potter and his friends! Now everyone, hold hands with Dobby!

Hurting Trio of Ow plus Griphook: YAAAAAY FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL!

Bellatrix: I've had enough of that bullshit. *throws knife*

Apparition: *suddenly slows down*

Knife: *is also suddenly slowed down. I AM SO SICK OF THIS SLO-MO BULLSHIT. IT WAS COOL IN 300, I ASSUME IT WAS COOL IN THE MATRIX, BUT LET IT DIE ALREADY*

Apparition: *actually looks really cool like that, but that's what slowing things down and screenshots are for and things*

Bellatrix: My hair is still in mah face.

Knife: *finally disappears into the Apparition portal thing*

Bellatrix: …Did time just spontaneously slow down for anyone else?

Narcissa: Yeah, that was weird and pointless. Were they that desperate to drag out the running time?

Bellatrix: Apparently…

~Heh, wouldn't it've sucked if the knife had hit Harry in the chest?~

Review or Wormtail won’t even be dead in canon anymore.


	15. Teh OH GOD WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything from the book/movie Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other book, movie, or game in the series, Silent Hill 4, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Yu Yu Hakusho, Nullmetal Alchemist, A Very Potter Musical, Dragonball Z Abridged, Firefly, or something someone actually did to their dead cat one time.

~I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating…and it gets everywhere.~

Harry: Hey, a beach, that’s new…why do I only have two wands, I thought I grabbed Pettigrew’s as well. Meh, guess Ron’ll have to go without! *gets up* Hey, Hermione, how’s the torture been treating ya?

Hermione: Oh I’ll be fine, I’m sure, now I know that I have you big strong men to protect me.

Audience: …Eh, still beats Twilight.

Ron: Well I think we handled that responsibly.

Harry: Diffusing a hostage situation with brutality? Yeah, I’d say so.

Dobby: Harry Potter…Dobby fell on his keys…

Harry: …That is a rather large gaping would you got there. *gets up and walks over to him*

Dobby: Yyyyyep. *falls over into his arms*

Harry: *yanks out blood knife that looks like it went in to the hilt…probably shouldn’t’ve done that, that’s basically a blood plug…* Are you okay?

Dobby: …Dobby thinks he’s dying…

Harry: Where? Where does it hurt?

Dobby: …Oh…Pretty much around the big bloody spot…. *coughs up blood* Only a minor hole in Dobby’s stomach…

Harry: Don’t worry, Dobby, we’ve fixed gaping wounds before. I’m pretty sure we still have Hermione’s bag with us, if we can just get to the dittany in time we’ll be able to fix you up easily, right, Hermione?

Hermione: Still crying over being tortured over here.

Harry: What, did we leave it at Malfoy Manor or what? That makes no sense, we clearly have it next film, we put the sword into it and everything!

Hermione: No, we still have it, it’s just…I think he might be too far gone for that kind of help, and I don’t even know if Dittany works on house-elves anyway.

Harry: THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN’T BLOODY TRY! I know you’ve just been through something really traumatic and painful, but someone is dying here!

Hermione: I never started SPEW, remember? Fuck house-elves.

Harry: *incoherent scream of rage and frustration*

Ron: She’s right! Harry, stop being an asshole to Hermione!

Hermione: I…Thank you, Ron—

Ron: And Hermione, stop being such a monumental whingebag with a hard-to-pronounce name!

Hermione: Hey!

Harry: Hey Ron, why can’t you go through her bag and grab the dittany, you’re perfectly capable!

Ron: Look, I like Dobby well enough, but I’m not leaving my dearest love after what just happened to her!

Harry: Oh right, because you sounded so concerned when we were in the cellar! WHY WON’T YOU TWO HELP ME. SERIOUSLY.

iheartmwpp: …Fuck, I’m tearing up. *slaps herself* Come on, come on, gotta make the saddest part of the movie funny, let’s go here…

Dobby: *bursts into song* Pigfarts, Pigfarts, here Dobby comes! Pigfarts, Pigfarts, yum, yum, yum! Aahh… *bursts out laughing and hacks up a lot more blood*

Harry: Okay, now you’re just trying too hard.

Dobby: Dobby thinks this is the closes that Harry Potter will ever get to a dying monologue thing besides Snape, everyone else seems to die rather suddenly.

Harry: This is true, and as everyone knows, you either die quickly or you hang about just long enough to give the main character a dying speech.

Dobby: Dobby better make this good, then, eh?

Harry: I really like how we have a kind of dummy thing whatever so it actually feels like I’m holding a dead or dying body.

Dobby: Dobby bets, and also Dobby’s kind of content, you know? Dobby’s saved Harry Potter so many times at this point, and his friends, that Dobby not only feels like he’s repaid his debt to Harry Potter for freeing him, but he feels like he’s really Harry Potter’s friend.

Harry: Of course you’re my friend, Dobby, which is why I want to help you while those two laze about and do nothing.

Dobby: Dobby is grateful for that, Harry Potter, sir. And hey, this is a really lovely location that the filmmakers have chosen to film Dobby’s death at, Dobby always wanted to see the ocean.

Harry: Look at this performance! Look at Film Three again, and now look at this one! I HAVE IMPROVED SO MUCH AS AN ACTOR WHERE’S MY FUCKING OSCAR.

Dobby: And now Dobby is the dead. Bleh.

Book readers: *sobbing desperately*

Movie watchers: …Really?

Book readers: YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND! *wail*

Movie watchers: Oy vey.

Harry: …One of the most badass characters in the entire series just died in my arms, didn’t he? Wait, weren’t your last words supposed to be my name?

Dobby: …Whoops. Well, too late now!

Harry: DAMN IT!

Luna: *kneels beside him* I’m still in the movie!

Harry: Trying to cry, here!

Luna: Those giant, open, blank, empty, staring eyes are creeping me right the fuck out. *moves head from side to side* Everywhere I go…his eyes keep following me. Mind if I close ‘em?

Harry: *sniffs* Uh-huh. *sobs*

Luna: *closes Dobby’s eyes* Hey, cheer up already! He’s probably hanging out with your parents and your godfather and our old headmaster and your owl, and having a marvelous time!

Harry: I WANT TO DIE!

Luna: Oh for crying out loud. Just…get over it, you know? He’s gone now, but he will be consumed by those insatiable seagulls that scurry about the place! And when they die, why, they’ll feed the plants! And you know who eats the plants? Vegetarians! The lowest rung of life itself! It will go on and on forever, Harry! *bursts into song* It’s the circle of liiiiiiiiife!/And it moves us aaaaaaaaallll—

Harry: I hate you. With all of my hate.

Luna: Well that’s not very nice.

Harry: Hey guys, what do you think, Viking funeral?

Hermione: Yes – of course – but there’s no wood!

Ron: HAVE YOU GONE MAD? ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT?!

Harry: Actually, I don’t really want to do any magic. The more work I can do with my hands to take my mind off things, the better. Might as well bury him—

Luna: Actually, I might have an idea…

Dobby: Dobby is still dead. BTdubs.

Bill: I was supposed to be in this scene, but fuck that.

Movie watchers: Yeah, where are they, anyway? Are they just burying him in some random grassy hill thing on a beach, how are they gonna find it later—Wait, what’s that house in the distance, where are they, WHAT’S GOING ON?!

Book readers: Eh, you’ll find out in about eight months or so. Probably. Maybe.

Some movie watchers: Fuck that, I ain’t waiting that long, I’m reading the book!

Book readers: FINALLY!

Hermione: Okay, Luna finished, I’m carrying him up now, despite that my arm hurts like a bitch.

Ron: Hey, we have to have the girl do some heavy lifting on her own without needing a man to do everything for her, we’ve been starting to get complaints.

Harry: I don’t really know why wizards would even have a shovel, but I ain’t complaining. *keeps digging*

Ron: Maybe Bill conjured one or something.

Harry: Wait, we’re at Bill’s house?

Ron: *facepalm*

Hermione: Well, here we go. *helps Harry take the sheet off*

Harry: …Stuffing him I get, but adding the propellers to the ends of his limbs seems a bit much.

Hermione: I think Luna’s theory is that now you can take him out and see him whenever you want, as if he were still alive, and the grave you just dug is where he “sleeps.”

Ron: *brought the controller thingy* She’s grown on me, Luna has. Here, you should be the one to try it first. *hands it to Harry*

Harry: Thanks. *turns it on, Dobby lifts up and starts soaring through the air* Wow…Dobby really is a free elf now, isn’t he.

Hermione: Well maybe free from the mortal plane, but now he’s a slave to your controller thingy!

Harry: Eh, details.

Dobby’s dead corpse: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Harry: *small smile* He really is in a better place now, isn’t he.

Ron and Hermione: …Whatever you say, mate. *back away slowly*

Screen: *fades to black*

Audience: … *starts to get up to leave* Well that was depressing as hell—

Filmmakers: BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

Audience: Oh, awesome. *sits back down*

~Introductory helicopter nature shoooot…~

Book readers: …Why are we going over a lake with Hogwarts nowhere in sight? If we’re going to check out Dumbledore’s tomb, it should be somewhere on the grounds, where the fuck is this place?

Tiny island thing in the middle of the lake: *is a tiny island thing in the middle of the lake*

The white tomb: *looks like it was taken from the Lego game or something* What exactly was the point of this giant white block thing just perched over the actual tomb itself? MY EXISTENCE LITERALLY HAS NO PURPOSE.

Voldemort: Just get the fuck out the way so I can actually get to the actual tomb itself. Actually.

Actual cover thing: *cracks a bit, then suddenly isn’t there in the next scene*

Voldemort: *bends over Dumbledore’s dead corpse, almost as if to kiss him*

Audience: …Okay, did you have to make it that homoerotic?

Voldemort: Wow, his arm really does look more dead than the rest of him. Shame it couldn’t look black and charred, though. Oh well. *literally pries the Elder Wand from Dumbledore’s cold, dead hands* I need to trim my nails. And I can totally do it with this brand new wand! *cackles with glee* And now I’m standing on the edge of the tomb again, the hell did that happen. Boy do I have a weird way of holding my wand, who holds it with just their pointer and middle fingers, I feel like I’m gonna drop it any second. *strokes the wand—NOT THAT WAND* Damn we need to stop making that joke. I hereby curse anyone who makes wand/penis jokes! MANIACAL LAUGH, MANIACAL LAUGH, MANIACAL LAUGH! *shoots lightning into the sky*

Film: *abruptly ends*

Audience: …Well considering this is a two-parter, this is actually a half-way decent ending, we’ll give Yates credit for that. Also WHY EIGHT MONTHS WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHHHYYYYYYYYYY.

Credits: Hey check it out, before the scrolling thing begins we got this cool thing where black stuff waves in front of all the names that may confuse people in the theater to believe that people are walking in front of the projector thing. Don’t know why, but hey.

Sign of the Title of the Movie: Yep. I’m still here. What of it. *fades until only the Elder wand is showing*

Audience: *staring*

Elder Wand: …Look, I know you’re desperate for more, but you’ll just have to wait.

Audience: We’re hoping for a preview at the end of the credits or something.

Elder Wand: It’ll be on the Blu-Ray.

Audience: A lot of us don’t have a Blu-Ray player.

Elder Wand: …So get one?

Audience: We’ll stick with YouTube, thanks. *leaves*

Dobby’s dead corpse: *flies by* WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

~To be continued…~

Review or your friends’ll sing Disney songs to you after someone just died in your arms.


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